Losing it!

My weight loss has dropped off to only about a pound a week this month. While I know that is a still a good, healthy drop, it seems frustratingly slow, especially since myfitnesspal predicts a slightly greater loss.
Looking back at the month, I am trying to figure what is going wrong. I think first, I have been slipping a few extra bites here and there. A bite of this, cleaning this up on a kid's plate, or just a nibble of that could add up to 100 calories over the course of a day. These bites and tidbits do not tend to get logged. Additionally I may have had too many higher or at maintenance days.

Because watching the pounds drop is fun for me, I want to keep making progress at a steady pace. I need to watch those bites-as in cut them out completely. So no more stray Ramen noodles for me! Also, I am not sure about the calorie count of my baked goods. I can whip up chocolate chip cookies and brownies in a matter of minutes, and while I try to estimate the number of calories in a bite of brownie batter (me, afraid of salmonella? Ha! I laugh in the face of salmonella!), I might be getting more than I think. On the other hand, I AM still losing weight, so I might need to just cut myself some slack. I guess it always falls off fastest the first month.

I am one of those people who gets an idea (in this case weight loss) and wants it to happen yesterday.

And myfitnesspal is just invaluable. It isn't THAT big of a deal to log calories, despite what I told myself when I wasn't losing weight. It isn't THAT big of a deal to go to bed a little hungry.

The hardest part is keeping the weight loss mentality. We have all lost weight and regained it. It is maintaining focus and remembering the skills you have to continue practicing to keep it it up.

The Joys of Madame Chic

I have written about Jennifer L. Scott's writings before on other blogs, I know. However, this morning, when my phone and the computer had been hijacked by short males, I found myself searching for a book and picked up my trusty At Home with Madame Chic. I was first introduced to Jennifer's writings through an eBook Lessons From Madame Chic. As a lover of all things French, fashion, beauty, lifestyle (Taryn may be right-I may be a Sensor after all, or an INFJ (sigh), the are known to like the finer things), I instantly loved this book. I cringed when she cringed over the reception of her worn and holey pajamas, and I rejoiced at the idea of just doing things more beautifully.

I am not going to lie. I am currently sitting in a room with cheerios, a wet diaper and numerous crumpled papers strung out on the floor. However this mess happened when I was at work, in my defense. I will clean it today, but I work fulltime and as Alec's first words were this morning, "Mom home?" I am home, and I am taking it easy this morning.

If you like the idea of living with grace and as Jennifer puts it, "Poise," these books are just a good read. I like her understated style and she is someone you would just relish and invitation for morning coffee and a long talk. In addition to her books, she has a facebook page and a Youtube channel! Look up The Daily Connoisseur if you get the chance.

Or click the affiliate link above to help cover this blog and we can talk about the book together.

Feet First

I have been busy lately. Although my heart longs to sit and write all the swirling thoughts, reality has kept my hands on the wheel. And frankly, writing the thoughts isn't always helpful. When others are involved, you have to do a lot of assuming to figure things out, and if you assume the worst, well you might be quite wrong about someone's intentions, and if you assume the best, well you might again be wrong. As much as I love to think and figure things out, when it comes to other people and why they do what they do, I think a good lesson learned is shrugging it all off with a head shake and a "Whatever."

We are trying to basically be the people we want to be. So as an outdoor enthusiast in my mind, I am trying to take the kids out and hiking more as a family instead of waiting to be in shape or until they are older. We are just going to do it and see what happens.

The online clothing store we started has branched into the catalog online and also more direct social media sales.We are still very much in the red, but we are learning new skills and it is fun, too. Eventually we may have to pull the plug, but the things we are learning can be transferred to new endeavors. I love the problem-solving aspect of running a business. Trying to figure out what will work,what will get people to look, how to make it profitable (profit margins are not as big as you'd think). It's all interesting. The tax stuff is confusing, though.

So I only have a few minutes before I have to pick up these darling middle schoolers from PE. Cheerio!

Midweek Planner Look

Here is a quick snapshot at my week so far. I am trying to leave the notes on the left margin for recapping what happened.

Take It Easy-Managing energy levels

If you are now singing the Eagles tune under your breath, you're welcome!

This morning I woke early, early, early suffering from both a bad cold, and my-six-year-old-got-in-bed-with-me-and-left-the-door-open-and-the-hallway-light-was-on-itis. So, I wrote in for a sub for work, because I cannot be effective and kind, which are starting points for an acceptable workday, and I am in pain and dying (probably not). 

Part of me started running over all the silly things I have read and my head tried to tell me this was nature's way of telling me to relax and take it easy. But upon further thought, I realized it was probably that a cold virus got on a doorknob or shopping cart, I touched it and touched my face and voila! Sick! And I do take it easy. I can relax with the best of them, although apparently only about certain things. A few weeks ago, my husband and I got into an argument, because, as I let him know, he wasn't "being efficient." He found great humor in that, and it did sound a little silly coming out of my mouth, but at the time, it was seriously irking me.

But it did get me thinking about the work/life balance and how much is enough and how much is too much. I suppose this is a very individualistic thing. 

I am extremely work-oriented (meaning I derive my identity through work, not family) and at times get frustrated because I feel like I am not successful enough in that arena  When I come home, however, I want to sit and soak up the sun. Or rest on the couch catching up on the newer episodes of the X-Files. But I have these kids, and man, they need attention, too! We just signed my nearly seven-year-old for gymnastics (he wants to be a ninja) and the thought of dragging my introverted self out to sit with a bunch of other parents every Monday night isn't fantastic. But if I have learned anything from past regrets it is that I need to do it. On top of that, while my house is a mess, I can only tolerate so much mess, so there is regular daily work to be done on maintenance.

Getting Started

Mindtools has a great article Finding the Right Work-Life Balance which could be useful if you are just getting started or like to have a structured plan.

My personal struggles include Time-Energy and People-Energy. What do I mean by this?

Time Energy

First, I am a morning person. I have been this way all my life. I try to make the most of it, by writing in the morning, working on my small business in the morning, and getting to work as early as possible. I can whip things out in the morning like noone's business.  But come afternoon, I am done. My body is ready to just stop. One drawback to early morning work, is noone sees it. If I get to work an hour early, noone else is really aware of the time I am putting in because most people are not morning people. They only see the afternoon slump and there is still a lot of time left and things to do in the afternoon and evening. I am a mess by the kids' bedtime. In the past several months, I have become more productive by having one or two targeted cups of coffee after work (but cutting down during the day) , and cutting back on calories. Surely having a little less to carry around has to be helpful. 

People Energy

I work a very extraverted environment. I am sort of not. Although I can concentrate when I put my mind to it (to the point of not even registering the people talking to me), when I am sitting in my office surrounded by people, my play center is activated and I get very stimulated . Sometimes I think about just taking my laptop and locking myself in a small bathroom somewhere, but then, how would I access the printer? Additionally, after interacting all day with people, I am out of energy and words for people. I am tired of listening to tone and inflection and reading faces and body language.  I just want to sit quietly and not talk.  However, I then go home and have to interact even more with the people who it is actually all about and I am beat.  Now those two things may seem contradictory, but they are happening. I don't know how to fix this just yet. Some people wear headphones, but that is so pink-collary. Maybe just changing my expectations, and nodding and smiling, whilst tuning people out is the way to go. But. I. Always. Get. Sucked. In.

The two things I have found especially detrimental are too much coffee (because I get jittery, weird, and anxious), which I love, and too much sugar. I have been cutting calories, but allowing myself to eat whatever I want over the past 5 or 6 weeks (11 pounds down!), and I have found sugar is the biggest enemy of energy. It feels amazing at first and munching on a chocolate chip cookie makes my brain light up with joy, however, after eight cookies (I counted the calories!) and an hour or two later, I feel awful and sluggish and just want to go rest in bed.

Also if I have a feeling I might have trouble sleeping all night I take a Benadryl. This is usually hormonally related for me.  There always seems to be a week or so when anxiety is high, sleep hours are low (which I firmly believe causes more anxiety), and emotions are raw (because so very tired). Making sure I get enough sleep during these times is imperative, even if I do get a Benadryl hangover which makes getting out of bed painful (I'll still do it. Such a morning person, I am ). 

The Takeaway

• Figure out your high  energy times. Pour your energy into those times and accomplish as much as you can during that time.
• Balance your people time. You know your needs. If you are an introvert working in a highly extraverted environment-take care of yourself and your needs. Plan some down time, even if it is just taking the long way home, or a nature walk before you pick up the kids. Sometimes I have to just go find a place to hide during my conference times, even if people think I am angry.
• Check your diet. Too much caffeine and sugar can exacerbate energy problems.
• Use caffeine, but use it wisely.
• Do what it takes to get enough sleep. One night without enough is doable, but two or three can lead to problems with emotional regulation and anxiety. If you need help talk with your doctor. I take the occasional Benadryl during that PMS week and it has helped a lot (but sometimes I forget-and it shows!).

And of course, "Take it easy."

Pre-week Planner Check. July 8-14

Alright! Let's get this week started.

Public and Private Life

I have the ways of a hermit. As a young child, I dreamed of being like bird scientist, Nell Porter, in the movie, Continental Divide. Although my interest in eagles was rather limited, the idea of roughing it alone in a quiet mountain cabin appealed to my soul. I would write children's novels of course. All through my life, I found myself drawn to a life which would take me away from the hustle and bustle and people, whether it was emulating Heidi's grandfather in his cabin in the Alps, living in a cozy, wind-blown lighthouse like Captain Jim, or just homesteading out in the wilds of Alaska. Yes, by golly, that was the life for me.

As I have grown older, however, I have noted my practical knowledge of the world is small and rivals my lack of understanding for people and how to get along with them. Perhaps maybe a quiet apartment in the city, surrounded by books, and with the ability to watch my neighbors, cat in lap, and imagine what they are up to, would be best. 

But then, every so often, a desire rises in my soul and I WANT to be known. Even if I am the only person who sees the value in these thoughts, I want them out in the world-I want them stuck in someone else's head. 

I feel this change. Not that something is necessarily coming to me, or going to happen, but this other drawer has been pulled open in  my head and light is pouring out of it. It isn't all good. I see things, like I put in my retracted blog post about principles versus value, that show my failings all too clearly. I was too embarrassed at my own naivete and blindness to leave it up. Maybe someday I will get the nerve. Maybe today. It is hard. I get that I make mistakes. But on something so obvious, it is just humiliating. 

People my head has clung to and been influenced by for a decade are fading. They haven't done anything wrong, I just feel the currents are pulling our boats apart-which is odd, because they were tied together for inexplicable reasons for so long.

But on the outside, everything is the same. I have the same job, the same home, the same lack of friends. I just keep existing, but the whirls imprinted within are shifting, the colors clouding and reforming to something new.

My faith is faltering as science just keeps pressing its nose into reality. I guess I feel how can we be so important when the Universe is so big? How can one group of people, who do so much terrible, hateful damage in the world, also have knowledge of the truth? It is just faith.  One chooses to believe or not to believe. One chooses which version to believe. I will eventually choose it again. It is easier to close one's eyes and drift along, than swim against the tide, especially when the end will hit us all with the same drowning pull. And I live in Rome.

A little over a year ago, maybe a year and a half, I prayed a very earnest prayer to get over a particular problem. I prayed to be moulded in a certain way. I have found it to be painful and humiliating. I have also discovered, the medium, the clay-the marble, me, has a say in the moulding. We may be shifted and chiseled and pushed and pull, but we push and pull and shift in return. We are not nothing. We have a say in the moulding. We can never lose us.

I am struggling with the A Mighty Queen blog,  because who am I to give advice? This is more of a Just Jill post. But I am reading a book, Show Your Work! which advocates just using your voice and getting it all out the world-whatever it is you need to express, and so I jumped. But people want certain leadership, and someone to say, "Hey, follow me, I have the answers." But all the answers are made up and chosen. But I guess the presribed path is safe. If you fail-well, the leader, the "J" probably led  you wrong. Can I lead by not leading. By simply expressing my truth? 

What is this trend toward leadership? Doesn't that imply others must then follow? Why not, instead of leadership, use the term, action. Or Initiative, or Inspiration General,or something doesn't imply winners and losers right from the start?

This wasn't the post I intended to write. But maybe it was the post I needed to write.

I am off work for today and the next four days. I need the break.