Principles vs. Values and the Photographer Conundrum

Earlier this week, I began reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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I think I have already read this before, maybe years ago, but honestly, it seemed a little beyond what I was looking for at the time. Now, though, perhaps after years of reading about principles versus values on my Myers-Briggs assessments, I wanted to understand what principles actually mean. This morning, I was so intrigued the first thing I googled was principles.
This is when I came to an article by Keith Norris on the Mission. org website, The Difference Between Principles and Values. In this article, Norris quotes Covey's book stating that principles are permanent, unchanging, and universal," where as "values are internal and subjective, and they may change over time."

This made some sense, but still left my foggy-morning head a little confused. Honestly and integrity make sense, however, does that mean the old, telling your friend she looks nice if she doesn't because she can't change it anyway, is a value? Because you are placing the feelings of your friend ahead of the underlying principle of honesty?

I was still confused. I decided to look for more examples. Philosophy Now had a great article Why You Shouldn't be a Person of Principle, which highlighted how using principle would work in one's life, as well as the downfalls to blindly following principle in every example. This made more sense.

Being a person of principle is an important goal to strive for, however, it is important to temper that goal with common sense and caring. Principles may fail sometimes and that is when true character shows-those cases where logic and emotion come into play simultaneously.

I thought about my own life and how honesty has always been a principle I have held to, and then suddenly, when contemplating my photographer conundrum it hit me. Blind principle is naive and foolish. Now I have saved myself a lot of trouble, by 'fessing up and getting to the point and getting the worst over with. But I was thinking about the impact on ME rather than the impact my truthfulness was having on other people.

What's my photographer conundrum? Last January I had a photography session planned for Alec, who is growing up without many professional photos because, time and energy, you know? The morning of the shoot, the photographer messaged me and asked if we were still on. Now it had snowed that night, not a whole lot, but enough that I wanted to spend my Saturday cozy inside. I am not afraid of driving in snow, mind you, I just love not having obligations on the weekend and the idea of staying home to relax was intoxicating. Also, the photographer had mentioned something about her son having a game, and I wondered if she was wishing she had the day off so she could focus on her kids. So I did the absolute wrong thing. I told the truth. Not a version of the truth, but the bald-faced truth. I would rather just stay home. Yes, I am cringing. Cringing. Arg.

Her response? I appreciate your honesty, and I will message you so we can make another appointment. I admit, I was a little surprised when she never messaged me.  I realize now, I was rude, canceling last minute, she did not appreciate my honesty, and I should have sucked it up and went, or lied and said someone was sick. And now that makes perfect sense. She might have turned down another family for that spot. She might have been planning on that $100 to help with a bill that weekend. I was a flake, and if I was going to flake I should have lied. So now, Alec is two and a half, hasn't had photos since he was an infant (except for Santa photos-and she was my Santa photographer!). Ikes.

While I was patting myself on my back for being prinicipled enough to be honest, a stronger value system would have respected her time and at the very, very least, told a white lie, although just bucking up and going would have been best. I get it now.
And I need a good, affordable photographer. She was good.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't learn these lessons earlier in life. It seems like everyone always lies, and I always thought I was the better person. Now in middle age, I find everything turned topsy-turvy, because clearly, there are times not to tell the truth. When someone says, "Sorry I couldn't make it to ... insert activity..., " I  smile and say it is okay. I can't tell them I cried for twenty minutes, because I needed them there. First of all, that is crazy-weak. Second of all, it is just against the rules, it seems. I do know that. I CAN lie to protect my tender heart and ego.
But then I think, again I am wrong,  maybe that is time when honesty is important. Maybe that person needed to hear I was disappointed they let me down.

And so I find myself in a loop trying to be the best person I can be, and maybe what I need to do is focus less on honesty as a principle and focus more on integrity and reliability. Had I done that, the photographer conundrum wouldn't exist, because I would have been keeping my word, rather than relying on my feelings at the time, and Alec would have some current photographs.

As I look back on this, I find I don't want to share. I am ashamed I learned this lesson so late. I feel weird that social lies went over my head for so very long. I feel a wedge of weirdness placed between the reader and me. I am so embarrassed by my own naive stupidity, and I realize now, selfishness.  At the same time, I feel excited, because once the lesson is learned, one CAN grow and change.

I know now it is my principles and focus that needs adjusting. I need to focus on the right principles and at the same move my focus away from myself and onto others when I plan a response. That doesn't mean I become a pathological liar (although I feel a bit of heady power at the thought that one can twist and subvert-I AM NOT A SLYTHERIN, though, and I will not give in!), but it means my toolset becomes more complex and is able to help me accomplish more and navigate better.

McNabb, Ramsey. “Why You Shouldn't Be A Person Of Principle.” Philosophy Now: a Magazine of Ideas, 2007, philosophynow.org/issues/60/Why_You_Shouldnt_Be_A_Person_Of_Principle.

Norris, Keith. “The Difference Between Principles and Values - The Mission.” Medium, The Mission, 15 Mar. 2017, medium.com/the-mission/the-difference-between-principles-and-values-789b95452422.

This week's planner

I am trying to use my planner more each week. This is my beginning of the week look (note the illustrations my six-year-old added!) and after the week has ended, I will fill in with my progress. One thing I noted is that using pencil doesn't really pop. I need to use pens or fine-tipped sharpie in order to see the writing more.

The idea behind my planner is to have a concrete place to put my calories for the day and weight for encouragement (although I am using My Fitness Pal throughout the day to keep track. My name is blueberryjill if you want to add me. If you CAN add through the name. I haven't ever tried! I also wanted to have a rough housekeeping outline and a place to put my workouts.

At the end of the week, I can repost what I actually accomplished, since I am marking off and adding notes as I go.

Usually I don't use a lot of stickers, mainly due to cost, however Runwith Craftscissors, aka Lesley, happens to be my coworker and gave away a bunch of stickers, so I can really play with them a bit. Although I am not as skilled as many at decorating my pages, they do add some nice color!

I am curious what other people put in their planners and what their style is.

Personally I like a lot of clean white space, and I often lament my messy handwriting. I am not the type to feel bad if my to-do lists aren't done, I just move 'em to the next day. This is obviously a personal planner. At work my to-do lists tend to consists of post-it notes with the steps and dates my paperwork is due (with the name of the accompanying person). I don't know why, but it works for me! I may step it up to a legal pad this year, we will see.

Check back in Sunday to see how this week went down or if you just want a sneak peek at my weight and calories!

The Most Influential Books in My Life

Photo by Bethany Laird on Unsplash

Most people who know me, know I love to read. In high school, as soon as I had a free moment, I would pick up whatever novel (usually a young adult historical romance) and get lost in another world. Lately, my to-do lists are so long (and they are mostly theoretical, I don't usually have a to-do physical list at home-I do at work, of course), I have trouble focusing on a lot of fiction, but I still do  indulge when I can.

Below are the top 10 influential books I have read.

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The Little House Series

The Little House series. Although these have fallen out of favor in the past few years, due to certain racist elements, the books themselves have had a tremendous influence on my life and the choices I have made. As a child, I smarted with the jealousy and unfairness over Mary's golden hair and good choices. As a short-tempered, brown-haired gal myself, I got it. Darn that smug Mary and her ability to behave. I see this with my own two boys. Gabe can give a little, while Liam will never give. As a parent, I appreciate Gabe's willingness to sacrifice and delay gratification. As a child, I would have been pretty annoyed with him.
The Little House books probably led to my strong desire to be a stay-at-home mom, after teaching in a one-room school house, of course. Special education is probably as close to the one-room school house experience one could have. Theoretically (although this hasn't happened of late) I would have smaller classes and more autonomy over what I are teaching (guided by IEPs and state standards naturally). I didn't know anything about this coteaching thing when I went into special education. It would have changed my mind. Note: I am a Liam, not a Gabe. But more importantly, I remember Ma with her routines: Wash on Monday, Iron on Tuesday, etc. and I desired to create that cozy, rhythmic home life. Then there was On the Banks of Plum Creek and during times of hardship, the girls learned at home, with Ma overseeing their lessons, and I had the desire to homeschool implanted in me. And later, These Happy Golden Years, where Laura first teaches school, with terrible living arrangements, and is courted by Almanzo Wilder, added the romance my teen self craved. I doubt you could bring up anything in these books which I couldn't remember.

Little Women

I first read an abridged version of Little Women on a snow day in fourth grade. I enjoyed it so much I had to check out the full version from the library and was hooked since then. I loved this book! As a girl there were aspects of each of the March girls I could relate to and it was easy to see myself living out the life of each one (well, maybe except sweet Beth). Being a struggling young homemaker like Meg, an ambitious, spirited writer like Jo, or a lovely, spoiled artist like Amy- who couldn't relate to these girls? Of course, like Wilder, reading this book only led to a greater interest in the author herself and reading biographies about her real life.

Sunfire Romances

The Sunfire romances were MY books in high school. The best, by far, were Amanda and Susannah. In Amanda, a spoiled Boston girl travels the Oregon trail and falls in love. In the second, a Southern girl faces the challenges of the Civil War and falls in love with a Union soldier. Good stuff, people. As the series continued, the books got much shorter, and less interesting, but overall, I learned a lot of history from these novels while fulfilling my feminine desire for romance. These weren't Literature, and I caught some flack for reading them, but truly, they greatly influenced me.

The Tightwad Gazette Books

The Tightwad Gazette books were created from a series of newletters which the author produced from her home. These started before the Internet Age, and were chock-full of practical information on how to save a penny, and how that could add up. I believe they did so well, she ended up retiring early. Although I have a love of luxury, which is always in conflict with my tightwadding ways, these books helped through those very lean years of living as a air force wife and later a divorced college student with three kids.

Ahab's Wife
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Oh! This book! I loved this book. It is the tale of the wife of Captain Ahab, from her point of view. It is a romance, but also an ambitious book where the protaganist herself survived a challenging Kentucky log cabin childhood with an unbalanced religious zealot for a father, and eventually found intellectual and social stimulation on Nantucket. It was a bit too long, dragging in parts, but truly inspired my interest in Astronomy and the idea of being a Renaissance woman.

Color Me Beautiful

Listen. I am all girl. And I love this color theory stuff. I don't always abide by it, but I read it, I study it, I absorb it. This is the original book with its awesome 80's photos and glaring colors, but truly, if you don't know whether you are a Winter, Spring, Summer, or Autumn, where have you been all your life? Now, there are numerous other books out there that build on this idea, and many website, and pins!

Please Understand Me

I adore personality theories. There are so many out there, and they may all be unscientific and silly, but I will tell there are hundreds of thousands of us, many very intelligient, who just eat this stuff up. This is based on the Myer's Brigg's temperament test and gives you a four-letter code with insight into your personality. I liked this book because I finally felt like someone understood what it was like to be me, and make decisions the way I do. These books and ideas are a HUGE part of me.

The Well-Trained Mind

My educational theories in a nutshell. I believe in a nature-based, Waldorf without the religious stuff, preschool, and then a structured classical education. While I think project-based learning has its place in education, I do not believe in child-led learning at an early age. Children do not know what is best for them, and well-educated minds are not encouraged by following the whims of childhood. And this is why, I so often lament not being able to homeschool. I simply cannot live the life I believe in due to our insane societal structure and cost of living a normal life.

The Anne of Green Gables Series

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These should have been first. My Gosh, nothing has probably influenced me greater than the Anne books. I will never be Anne. She is more clever, kinder, and lovelier than I can be. I will forever be destined to be a Katherine Brook, bitter, thwarted and jealous-but oh how I can love Anne and desire to be more like her. These books are great. They are laugh out loud funny, can move you to tears, and how many times have I stopped to wonder, What would Anne do in this situation? Every aspect of my life, which in childhood was filtered through the Little House books, is now filtered through the Anne series. They are my rock.

Women Who Run with the Wolves

Such a great book! This book brought to mind a deep richness and romance which had nothing to do with men. It promised an existence so deep and primal through the idea of archetypes imprinted in our brain-I couldn't help loving it. I haven't read it in several years, and maybe it doesn't quite belong on this list, but I am out of time.


Now, I have probably overlooked crucial books, and I am sure some of you are disappointed I didn't include the Bible or the Harry Potter series. However, I tried to be as honest as I could be in the moment, with kids fussing in the background.

I cannot fathom what my life would be like, or who I would be, without books to influence and guide me. We all have to build structures in our brain, ways to process and respond to the world around us. I believe reading, both fiction and nonfiction, helps us scaffold our thinking and responding in a way that differs from what Disney or YouTube shows young people. I believe our best thinkers and deepest feelers are those who can dig into books and think critically about them (not in the way literature majors do, I could never be one of those people-trust me, I have tried), but who let the words sink in, and throw out what doesn't work, and bring that book into the fabric of their flesh. I believe reading and thinking and feeling what it might be like to walk in another person's shoes makes us more human than we could be without.

Loving Saturday!

I can avoid housework with the greatest of them.

Here is some Saturday fun pictures of my youngest baby.

The Well-Lived Life

 

Someone I follow on Facebook had used this quote to describe why she no longer uses a daily planner, but instead has a simple book which she uses to sketch and jot down ideas.

I love this quote because it reminds me to stop and smell the roses. Which I do already, I can sit and savor the moment like noone's business, but I do find myself drawn to the other extreme as well.

I love problem solving. I get a thrill out of finding the problem in an otherwise okay situation and thinking about how it can be improved. Some people call that negativity. I believe there could be some good in having that skill. I just haven't found it  yet. Or perhaps I am in the wrong field. I love it when everything is almost right, and then! I find the crack. I get off on that a little. Anyway, I thought about this quote and what it means to me.

There is a reality out there. There are sweet, pink roses to smell and there is dark, musky coffee to savor. I imagine the exquisite rush of a blustering breeze at the top of a mountain. The glint of sunlight on crashing foam waves as my feet sink ever so slightly into the damp sand. There are laughs to share and cozy beds to snuggle into on cold wintry nights (well, not so much in this part of the country--oh North, I belong with you). And all these delicious sensual delights indeed add up to a life well-lived.

But what is this about problem-solving? As someone on a constant quest for self-improvement, this made me wonder-am I missing the point? Can we work for more and for better and still savor what we have?

I think we can. I think we can find the crack in the armor, while still appreciating the fine workmanship of that armor. We can see what needs more work, without disparaging what has already been accomplished. I believe in counting our blessings, and I believe in progress. Life merely lived doesn't progress. Constant striving for progress doesn't appreciate.

I think that is what this blog should be about: Finding that balance.

Goal For It Challenge

As some one who is always looking for ways to improve, when I received the email for the Goal For It challenge from Mother Like a Boss, I thought, "Why not?"

I signed up for several home and personal life improvements sites a few weeks ago as part of my "getting my act together" act. I mean, Hey, I'm 45. It is time. But I do not hardly EVER listen to podcasts. I can't stand them. Videos are hard to watch, too. The information is just presented way too slow for my tastes. Plus I hate excess noise. Yep. I am that woman. So fun at parties, right? I want to READ and soak up as much as I can as fast as I can (unless it is fiction, of course). So I have to dance along the edges of a website and dig deep into the files to find the golden nuggets I can access visually.

So I signed up and received an email with a link to my three goal-setting pages. The emails and videos (let's hope there is a transcript! because nothing is worse than a stranger's bantery chit-chat) start next week. At this point, I am not even sure what my goals will be. Aside from the obvious ever-popular weight loss goal, which I am currently squishing nicely (eight pounds lost, so I can't QUITE say I am crushing it. Yet), I am not sure exactly what to focus on. Hence the challenge.

I can't wait! If you want to sign up and do this, too, go to Mother Like a Boss. Currently there is a light blue banner across the front for the challenge which starts soon. 

Get more "Reading" Done Fast!

As someone who loves books and reading, I am always trying to find new ways to get as much information in my head as possible. Therefore I was super-excited to find this article:

The Way You Read Books Says a Lot About Your Intelligence, Here's Why, by Michael Simmons.

I was stumbling around looking for research to support my idea that early academics isn't best (although, likely you can find information to support either side).
Now I will admit looking for research that confirms my biases is not great methodology, and I can do better. I'll work on that later this year!

Anyway, I was so excited to find this article because it gives a clear formula for extracting the best out of a nonfiction book, quick. They should teach this in college. Let's be honest, we can't always read everything that his out there. But we can read reviews, interviews, and first and last chapters within 30 minutes or so. Imagine how much you can absorb by using this method. I love it!