On Vision-Why Developing it Matters to Me

 

Photo by Matt Noble on Unsplash

Vision. 

My focus word for the year

Vision is the word I have chosen as my focus word of the year. It is something most of us probably like to think we have, but many of us truly do not utilize vision to the fullest extent possible. If you had asked five years ago if I had vision, I would have said, "Yes, of course."  However, aging has a way of making you look at yourself differently and embrace your faults and shortcomings in a kinder, more whole-hearted way. And I don't operate from a place which utilizes vision. 

Now is this TRULY a shortcoming or just a manner of being? That, my friend, is wholly dependent upon your values and how you wish to live your life. For me, it is an area I just feel the need to expand upon. 

What is vision exactly? 

To me, vision is the ability to use your imagination to see how things might be different or better in the future. Vision is looking beyond maintaining the status quo and picturing a way to make things better. Vision may or may not be about bending things more to your will, but ideally, it is based on constructing an enhanced future with greater depth and meaning. 

I often feel as if I going through life partially asleep. Physically it feels like there is a lulling, foggy weight sleeping on the frontal lobe of my brain and behind my eyes. I feel as if I am truly NOT completely awake. While it is possible to operate in a fairly complex manner and maintain a challenging life half-asleep, it can also lead a sense of complacency with what is and sleeping through life watching Netflix reruns and living for the next donut opportunity. It's a smaller way to live. 

And again-it's okay. If you work hard and are relatively good (most of us are neither as good nor as bad as we think ourselves to be, I imagine), you will live a fairly fulfilled life in the half-asleep state. You will enjoy your animal comforts, love your children, laugh at jokes, and enjoy the sensation of a soft pillow and a conscience-free heart. And for many that is enough.

But if, like me, a persistent, nagging feeling is tugging from within-pressing on your eyes, rousing your forehead (it's truly a physical sensation for me) shaking the cloud hovering just over the front of your head, it may be time to search for more. 

I cannot imagine this is a one and done affair. I can't spend 30 minutes imagining a future, write it out and be on my merry way. First of all, I am out of practice when it comes to imagination. As a child, I would lie in bed at night envisioning ways of making my mark on the world. I was to be a martyr, universally loved and cherished at the  moment of my death. People would KNOW. Now though, martyr dreams are out-I have  a family to raise, and frankly, it just doesn't sound appealing.  I have to sit and DO the hard work of planning. And I am out of practice. As much love as I have for self-help books, I always skip over the workbooky aspects of them which require putting onto paper your thoughts and plans. I thought it was because doing so was a waste of time and slowed down my intake of ideas from the text. I know now, however, that it was sheer mental laziness, impatience, and a way to consume ideas without truly digesting and fully incorporating them into my life. I thought it was mental freedom, but it was actually mental neglect. 

There are different ways I can handle this. One is to get a book which organizes a life path-where I just need to fill in the blanks. Another might be to determine which paths to focus on before I spend time envisioning the future. Yet another is to just sit quietly and let the dreams and visions unfold to determine what I want. Even now, I just want to think about thinking about it. I don't want to DO it. It's hard. Thinking and imagination, for those out of practice, is HARD.

Always have to make the plan...

Since this is a yearlong focus, I will be blogging at least monthly on my progress in this area. 

1. First, I need to determine which life areas I wish to focus on applying vision. 
2. Next, I will need to spend time allowing my imagination to soar as I envision ways to improve, alternate possibilities, and how to go beyond "drink more water and get more exercise," to creating a truly unique life experience which awakens and challenges me. 
3. Finally, I need to put it into practice. 

For me, this is the satisfying part. Writing out what I plan to do is usually enough to make my brain hit that little checkmark tab on and I think, "Done." I need to move beyond a simple plan, into true thought and imagination, and finally application. 

I need to keep shaking myself, keep waking myself, and keep demanding I stay awake and aware.

When I return I plan to have an outline of the areas in which I want to focus my vision. 

See you soon.

Junk Journal or Make a Smash Book? Tough Decision.

The view from my window. Note the patched screen? My next husband MUST be handy. ;o) Really just a good ole ST who can fix things  and leave me alone, will be just fine with me. If only I had the resources of Murphy Brown and could just hire a painter/handy man to get things done. But alas, there is the need for intimacy and someone to take along on trips and movies. Those experiences are generally better with another human-and men are cute.

The second area I wanted to focus on this year is creativity. I have been intrigued by the lovely junk journals I have seen, including the one I purchased to use for photos when I went to Ireland. I was going to share some photos of it, but it is currently misplaced. It will show up eventually.

However, getting started has been a challenge for me. First of all, I threw most of my scrapbooking papers away last year. Over the years, I get less and less sentimental. In fact, a lot of the stuff I have, I now have because it was a gift and I am waiting for people to die so I can toss it out. So I want to get started, but I don't want to spend a ton of money on supplies. 

That is why I started thinking about smash books rather than junk journaling. Junk journaling suggests pulling out pages and sewing and covering bindings and oh, I could do it...but it isn't a start quick and get it done thing. And I am impatient.

What's the difference? This lovely article sums it up:

Junk Journal Vs Art Journal Vs Smash Book

So I think I am going to start with what I have. I have various journals and old books. In Ireland, my almost-ex-husband (just one more week or two), bought me an old religious text at a used book store. I used it to journal and sketch with oil pastels. It wasn't a work of art-je ne suis pas une artiste-but it was fun.

                                

These are oil pastels:

Photo by Kai Tremblay on Unsplash

And so I ordered some paper ephemera which finally came in after about 3 weeks, and am ready to get started. Here are my goodies!

Now of course, part of me can't help but decry the lack of authenticity in my goods. These are made in China to look old. They will not have the charm of a truly repurposed postcard, for instance. However, they are within budget and get me off and running AND I can slowly start adding more "real" items to my collection of supplies. 

Whilst looking for my Ireland junk journal, I found this day calendar from 2017. It must have been a Christmas gift which was tucked away and forgotten. Oh well.

I'll post pictures on new blogs as I create. The goal is one post per area I wish to work on, per month.

Getting Fit-Why is it so hard?

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER on Unsplash

This pic is absolutely not me. It makes my neck hurt just to look at it. plus I just couldn't pull off that shade of haircolor.

 I am looking at the first branch of my plans for the year, and that is the ever-popular one: Fitness.

Just saying that makes me want to jump under the quilt, cover my head, turn on my side, and dive into the quiet world of fantastical imagination (usually centered around romance, because that's how I roll). 

I haven't dove in as enthusiastically as I wanted. There are a myriad of things that are stopping me. First of all, inertia. It is easier to stay still when you are still. Procrastination is rearing its ugly head. I plan to exercise in the morning, and then morning comes, and it seems like cruel and unusual punishment to do more than sit quietly and sip my French roast and maybe do a few simple stretches and squats. I am only sleeping about 5-6 hours, which overall feels okay, but since I usually fall asleep within about two minutes of turning out my light, I think I might be sleep-deprived.

 I also have a fitness blog and matching Instagram (which I am not ready to share-I don't need my coworkers seeing me in a sports bra at this point in my life), but people are ALWAYS trying to sell something.  This is a problem for me because I get pride doing things for myself. If I figure out how to lose weight and tone up, it means something. If I go the gym and get a personal trainer (which is the ONLY way I see myself going to a gym), good for me. If someone else makes a suggestion-it doesn't mean as much. It robs me of my ability to feel pride in my accomplishments. Plus, saying no is hard for me. Now, a walking/jogging partner (a newbie like me) would be helpful. I think that would get me out the door-but since I have taken on a couple online courses to teach in the afternoon, I don't know when I would get the childfree time for that.

So there are all my excuses. 

On a side note, I was listening to an Oprah podcast on Spotify this morning (while slowly sipping my French roast), and one of the main points being made was how important it was to be true to your word. And Oprah cut in (she cuts in too much-I mean I like the topic, but shush and let the speaker unfold), and talked about how hard it is to be true to our word to OURSELVES. She talked about how easily she could talk herself out of not finishing a workout she had promised herself. And that is so true. When we aren't true to our word to ourselves, we just call it, "Changing my mind." Something to think about.

Knowing all these excuses, doesn't get my ass smaller, though. Actually, I don't "see" my butt, except in pictures, therefore I really worry about my stomach and my double chin. Every pound, I swear jumps to my waist and face.

I have to find ways to build this into my day without a lot of stress. 

I know the easiest thing to do is to put on my sneakers, dress Alec (because he walks in the door and strips his clothes off everyday), and just go out for a walk. There isn't anything hard about that. Except that-people will see me. That stresses me out a little. When I am home, I want to be home. Alone. Quiet. In pajamas and unseen. 

I have my 15-pound dumbbell. The exercise video I do with the weight, literally takes less than 5 minutes, and I feel pretty worked out the next day. There is NO excuse not to do 5 minutes of this a day.

The weighted hula hoop is easy, though it feels too easy and gimmicky to work. Tierney said it was working for her, though. The yoga mat isn't getting a lot of use because, it seems like too much in the morning. 

How can I build this into my day?

I need to have it all set up in the morning. I need the yoga mat spread out on the floor, the weight and hula hoop nearby, and the roku remote ready to go find a Youtube video for Yoga or others (I always used to love Cynthia Kerulik videos-apparently she was a thing for men to gawk at, but I always enjoyed listening to her quiet chatter while working out). It is just a matter of getting the ball rolling. The easier I make it on myself, the easier it will be to do it the first time, the second time, the third...until I feel like a habit has been formed. 

I think a HUGE part of the problem is the idea of fitness is linked with attractiveness in my head. And I will NEVER be young again. I need to retrain my mind to focus on how it FEELS to move lightly and with ease. How good it would feel not to huff and puff. How nice it feels NOT to have heartburn and to have your pants a little to0 loose rather than too tight. 

Now...I have written a whole lot of words here. Until I put them into action that is all they are. Words. I could do a check-in or a fill-in-the-bubble when you do it planner activity, but those don't work for me. My rebellious nature will kick that plan to the door. FREEEEEEDOM!

But now I have a plan. Set everything up the night before. Grab the dumbbell before I turn on the TV. Do the hula hoop the first 10 minutes of salivating over Damon. Just do the danged floor exercises WHILE I listen to my soul-growing podcasts. When I set it in motion, 3, 4, 5 days in a row, I should theoretically start feeling good about the new habit I am developing. Then I will let you know how it goes!

New Year's Resolutions-Getting ready for 2022

 

                                            Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I didn't want to say New Year's Resolutions, but let's call a spade a spade. After a delicious 11 days off, tomorrow it is back to school for the second term. I have thoroughly enjoyed binge-watching The Vampire Diaries (rumor is it is going off Netflix in March), which I just found in November. I have enjoyed doing a whole big fat lot of nothing. It was wonderful. But now, I feel the need to stir things up, plan for the new year, and start making progress towards greater meaning in this crazy little thing called Life.

Do you make resolutions? How do you decide what to focus on?

My Resolutions

Below are a list of things I want to focus on this year:

Fitness

First of all, I feel a renewed need to focus on fitness. Let's be honest. I am 48 and have carried and given birth to six children. No matter what I do, this has marked my body. And sometimes I do get discouraged. When energy and mood is flagging and brownie batter is calling my name, it is hard to stay focused on the fact that am overweight. Part of me thinks, "Well, no matter what I do there will be stretch marks and saggy skin, so why bother?" But part of me is also aware of the things I want out of life. I want to hike, all day hikes, which require a strong, healthy body. 

Creation

I want to start junk journaling. I have wanted to do this for awhile, but have put it off. First of all, when I have tried making/creating things in the past, the kids have always interrupted or messed with my supplies. However, I am tired of putting off what I want to do. I need to develop systems which allow me to quickly and easily put away my items and get them out when I want to use them. 

Here is a link to a video on Junk Journaling for Beginners.

Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

Focus on Vision

I am one who likes to quietly experience life and then slowly contemplate my experiences. This is where I find meaning. However, I want to start focusing more on vision and planning a future for myself. Part of me abhors this-it such a high-maintenance TJ  (the link explains the different types. I am an FP, so TJ are sort of my polar opposite)  sort of thing to do. But really, whenever I try to participate in meditations or abundance mindset, I find myself struggling to even know what I want. 

What I feel like I want is romance and friendship and adventures and interesting thoughts and quiet nights and good books and an occasional fire crackling in the fireplace. And that is all good. But maybe, it is time to start envisioning more for myself. This is actually VERY hard for me. I remember watching people at work, and they had all these ideas for how to improve things, and I am over here like, "Hey, let's just all be friends and have fun together." 

While that is okay and is valuable, I also feel like there is a part of my brain that is quietly slumbering through life. It probably doesn't help that most of them are younger now and they do get together and I am sadly excluded-so I have no choice but to change my focus, haha). And I want to wake it up and shake it up a little. I know I often come across as flaky and unintelligent, and while I am a wee bit shallow (I like the way things look), I also know I am intelligent. It irritates the bejesus out of me when people are surprised at my tests scores or my ability to get things done. Just because I like boots and makeup doesn't mean I don't have the ability to think deeply. Now, thinking quickly, that  may be a problem for me. But slow thinking has its benefits, too, and both types are needed to get things done. 

Either way, when someone asks, "What do you want?" I want to have an answer.

Less Screen Time

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I really plan to focus on less screen time for both myself and the boys. Time spent blogging and creating-not so bad. Time spent bingewatching a TV show and watching the boys scroll through Youtube videos (I don't allow TikTok), is a bit of a waste. I plan to develop limits and then ENFORCE them. The enforcement is the hardest part. When I have worked all day, and the boys are bickering, it is hard to hold my ground. But I can and must. I watched this horrific video by Mrwhosetheboss (who by the way is sexy as hell-I have a thing for British-Indians, I guess), and I feel like the whole world is slipping away from us and we are just dumbly watching it happen (It may have something to do with getting older, too).

The video I'm Worried about humanity's future is really an interesting one!

Less Perfectionism

Finally, I need to start nipping my perfectionism in the bud.  I often feel like I can't have people over unless my house is perfect, or I can't start a hobby without the perfect workspace in place. I have to stop that. I can't keep waiting until everything is perfect to live my life. If someone cannot realize that I am working fulltime and am doing well to keep up with laundry, kids, and dishes and wants to judge me because some things need work, I don't need them in my life. 

This is easy to say, hard to do. I want to be liked. I want make other people happy. But if Joe or Josephina Cool can't deal with my broken dishwasher, then are they really the best person for me?  Let them go find the perfect person with the perfect life. This insecurity over my imperfections is terrible. 

My workplace is going to masks not required tomorrow (thanks to our state attorney general), and while I yearn to breath freely, part of me is worried that people will see my larger than average nose again and BE DISAPPOINTED. Like Screw them. I *know*if someone likes me, they will extend this to my face, but ... this damned nose. Sigh. 

Anyway, more acceptance, less perfectionism. I think part of me wants to be more and higher. I want friends with money and beautiful homes, but I also know if I can't get there myself, they probably aren't my group. So I hide and...I'm a fruitcake, people!:).

Anyway, I will get a head start on this, by not proofreading this post. I hate proofreading and editing. Blah. 

So those are my basic resolutions for the year. I realize these aren't SMART goals. I plan to attack each individually in upcoming posts.

Happy New Year!

Please share what you hope to focus on this year.

 After the topsy turvy upheaval of my life, i find that things are now quite quiet. However, I find I am struggling with a problem I haven't had to face in a long time- acute loneliness. It usually hits sometime after dinner. I am sitting quietly, awaiting bedtime and bam! the aloneless starts to seep under mys skin. It is times like these when I really miss my mom. I miss having another adult to call and to have call me. I even miss my soon-to-be ex hanging around, when he was healthy, he was another person, another mind to connect with. 

The hardest part has been falling asleep. My body is tired, I am perfectly comfortable in bed, fan blowing, and I just can't drift off into dreamland. Last night, I finally got up at around 11, after trying to sleep for over an hour, and took a melatonin and went down to the couch. That seemed to help, and I was alseep within 20 minutes or so. I do hate having to rely on a pill to go to sleep, though, especially when my body is quite tired. I guess, though, taking a melatonin is preferable to that silent, creeping loneliness. It is such an ache, grabbing a slow squeezing control of one's chest. Getting through the evening is the tough part. During the daily hours, something can always been done. There is work, or sitting outside, or entertaining Alec, who "doesn't like being on his own," as he frequently tells me.

Projects around the house have been keeping me somewhat busy. I am trying to pace myself, so what could be done in a day is being completed slowly a little at a time. Mainly this is just to protect my own energy. Laying the floor in the dining room a week and a half ago, completely wiped me out and left me with very sore leg muscles. I don't care to feel that way again soon, so doing things slowly seems to be the trick to not completly exhausting myself.

Social media actually helps a bit, too.Just putting something out there and getting a response helps. Now there are the people who make me cringe every time I see their posts, and that can drag me down a bit (why do I follow them? Well, you know, ,keep your friends close and your enemies closer, they say. While I wouldn't say they are really enemies, they are people who just get my shoulders crunching up and my mouth skewing into an unpleasant angle. I keep them around for soul growth. I figure when their lame-o popular posts stop bugging me, I will have definitive proof of my growth as a human. 

My eyes have been on and off imflammed, and I think I am going to have to face the fact that I just cannot handle contacts anymore. It makes me SO sad, because glasses make my eyes tired and they are inconvenient, especially when dong active things like hiking or wading. I will just have to invest in strudy prescription sunglasses, I guess. Makes me sad. Plus I really like wearing green or hazel contacts to brighten my face a bit. But nope. My eyes are making everything difficult. Photophobia and cringing when the light hits, makes accomplishing ANYTHING very difficult. I left work early because of it yesterday. I just pray my eyes are calmer today. Frozen/cool compresses help ease the pain a bit, but that isn't practical at work with a classroom full of kids. 

By the way, I am working in the library for summer school, and I really just don't like it that much. I like getting to meet all the kids, but I think I prefer actually being in a classroom. My schedule is full, so I am not really bored, so that is a bonus, but it just isn't as satisfying as having one or two groups of students to work with all day. If I do elementary summer school in the future, I think I want a 4/5 classroom to work with.I just love leading classes. It is what I was meant to do. The middle school classes are nice, too. I think that is my frustration with my current job. It isn't that coteaching is bad, or that my coteachers are bad. It is just not where my strength and desire lies. I want to be leading a class independently. While I do also long for my own classroom (that's a huge draw to being a teacher-having that space, it is leading the class itself that I love). I get so frustrated because I can't have that where I am (at least not full time). So I will just keep searching, which sucks, because I want a home-but I want the right home.

What Does it Mean to Be Mighty?

Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash

 

Lately, I have been thinking a lot. In truth, now that I am the only adult in the home, the quietness , though it is rarely ever quiet, leaves a lot of thinking time.

Tonight I sit by the white-orange logs in the firepit where the larger logs burn with a heat and mesmerizing chemical magic which fails for words. An artist would be able to capture it perhaps-an an artist's eye could determine whether the logs burn white or orange, but my untrained eyes, can't distinguish. It is both to me. 

A breeze is brushing the treetops and the stronger gusts bring a shower of maple seeds-helicopters- raining down on me. The moon is just the slightest smidgen shy of full.

It's been weird. A peace invades the house, my house, my castle. I do what I want when I want (as long as it involves kids). I sleep on the couch without excuses, my room smells, not of tobacco, but of cats and me. I don't resent anyone lying on the couch while I work, and I don't have the easy ability to slip out the door and into the car alone anymore. 

People irritate me. I try to explain my feelings-the joyous peace, the occasional crush of loneliness. Others say, "I could see. I could see you were hiding your pain. I knew you were unhappy." It is frustrating. Of course. It is so easy on the outside, isn't it? But I know me. I know my easy ability to wash away the pain, to forgive the past, to see what is so wonderful. Happy posts about flowers and candlelit baths were REAL. They weren't put on for show. The date night selfies were done in fun, not show. The companionship of sitting by the fire, watching a favorite tv show together, that was real. In truth, bad things are rarely bad all the time. If they were, they would end so much sooner. Bad, awful, hurtful things are interspersed with good moments, with laughter, with understanding,, and intimacies. People on the outside don't see that. They don't want to see that. They see the evil, the bad. The bad, I so easily forgot, I had to start keeping a diary to remember what had happened.

And that's fine. It isn't their burden. But it feels as if my cross to bear is the inability to be honest about the pain. About the loneliness. About how hard it is to be the only adult in the house-even when it is easier to not live with someone unstable and unhappy. Nothing is simple. And were people to come over, I would probably make polite conversation, and wait, and watch the clock, wanting my hours back to myself. Companionship is not to have any warm body, but to have the right warm body. Oh, don't get me wrong. There is noone on my mind. And that is difficult, too. My INFPness lives to dream of romance, to get lost in a crush, but there is no one now. Everyone I meet is married or young. And damn, if that isn't dull.

And I thought I could be so happy alone. My own bed. Noone to care that I am gross sometimes, or let the bathroom trash sit way too long. And I am. But my toes tickle for the touch of someone else-don't read into that-I don't have a toe fetish-, my toes are actually just tickling right now. They are propped on the edge of the firepit, probably falling asleep. And it is like some animal urgency, this desire to have someone. I don't really understand it. I am 47. I do not want more children. Why does my mind scan the world for a partner NOW? But alas, the world is made for couples, it is normal to want someone to do something with, I suppose. Restaurants, nights out, travel. The world was made for two.

And I make my stupid jokes, and then I worry that people pity me. And I do hate pity. I want to be adored and babied and yet, I want to be strong and admired. The truth is, even as I write these thoughts-it isn't so bad. I don't feel so sad. I don't cry. I worry. I worry so much about this person who is falling apart and won't let me help. I worry for my four year old who misses his dad. And I feel the sickening disgust that so many of my thoughts are financial. Am I really so cold and removed and calculating as that? Everything is filtered through loss and gain. And then I remind myself that idealism only goes so far. It is okay to think about practical matters. It is okay to fight for the best life possible. All those hurtful words thrown at me-cold, calculating- don't matter. If it is cold to want the best life and stability for my kids, then toss me in a glass of lemonade, because I do. If it is calculating to do what is within my power to keep my kids in a stable home, then I guess that is what I am. There is no shame in caring for their well-being. 

So to be mighty. What is that? Is it being honest and open? Is it carrying on in silence, striving towards the future with grim determination? Is it something in-between? 

According to the Century Dictionary, mighty means:

     Possessed of or endowed with might; having much ability, strength, or power; eminently         strong, powerful, or great: as, a mighty conqueror; a mighty intellect; a man mighty in         argument

I think to be mighty is being honest with oneself, doing the tasks for the sake of those who need me, and just letting the waves wash over and around me. If you don't fight reality, you don't sink. If you go with the flow, eventually the water will part around you, and you just rise and fall with the swell of waves. So I am mighty. I am sad. I am tender. Nostalgia is all around me in this sad house, and yet each morning, I wake up with a smile, and joy for how incredibly amazing this journey continues to be. I snuggle in my soft bed at night in peace, not with tears, but with a feeling of strength and pride. And as much as I long for people to understand exactly what I feel, I know they can only see what the filter of their own experience allows. I am mighty when I am sad, and I am mighty when I move forward. Mightiness doesn't dissipate because I am real and because I feel. Mightiness reigns because I move towards the future, because I know I will survive. There is no self-pity, no surrender. There is just determination to keep on going, to keep on feeling, to keep on pushing towards destiny and seeking God's purpose. 

Quintessentially, Unapologetically Me

                                                 Arno Smit on Unsplash

I have been rather quiet on this blog lately. There are several reasons for that which I will get to in a moment. But first let me say, Hello! Spring is in bloom here in my neck of the woods and life is bursting out with vibrant color. This. is. heaven.

I have been quiet on this blog for several reasons. 

First, my personal life has crumbled down in the past six months, although the stirrings of trouble have been brewing for a few years. I don't want to get into the details, but all I will say is, it is hard to smile and give life advice when you feel guilt over not being able to fix everything in your own life. Now, granted, I realize I cannot be held responsible for everything wrong in a relationship, but I can't help but look at my failings and mistakes and how I might have contributed. But alas, I am my bestest friend, and I will forgive myself for my less than perfect motives. I just want a peaceful, happy life guys.

Second, a sort of authentic honesty has been bubbling up in my chest of late and dang it! it has to come out. Whilst I am writing blogs on being a leader and getting ahead, the truth is--I only ever just wanted a happy house and happy kids. I have failed domestically in so many ways.  One of the main issues is in today's modern world while of course you need to have a perfect kid and a perfect house, it shouldn't really be your focus, unless you are Today's Christian Woman or something. The fact that reading wardrobe planning and puttery decor tricks is how I love to spend my time is sort of shameful in the eyes of the modern female. How can I protest a world which essentially forces us to be men in mascara, without sounding like some aging luddite clinging to a world that has long past? How can I be my own frivolous self and still command respect? So I am on these fan pages for Sarah J Maas books and the hate that quiet, wallflower, homebody Elain (of the ACOTAR world) receives is strong. And as a quiet, wallflower homebody-that hurts me. I try to defend her without making myself a target (social media is brutal), but are we flower loving girly girls really such a waste of space? And how do I balance my need for spending Saturday nights in a bath drinking wine and reading makeup tips with the sometimes overwhelming feelings of jealousy and competition. I want to win. I don't care what it is, I want to be on top.  And thus, I have been trying to sort out exactly what I want to win. If it is queen of the wavy hair, then I want to accept that. Maybe I wasn't mean to be queen of the working world. But oh the shame! It is shameful to not be the best at anything-that is how I feel. So I have these conflicting desires. Do I want love or respect? Do I want to be cute or commanding? And I struggle with leading my readers with my thoughts, because I don't know how to be EVERYTHING.

So I am trying to sort it all out. How to be me, and how to please everyone, and how to be the very best at every possibility out there. So Yeah. That isn't going to work. 

So be patient with me. I am going to arrive at a higher place with a stronger sense of self by the end of this. I might not be the person I was trying to be, but I will be the best me I can be. 

And on that note--what are you chasing? Are your dreams and goals hijacked from someone else or are they truly yours? What four things are you working towards in your life? Are you putting your energy towards those goals, or are you falling down rabbit holes of borrowed dreams? 

And on another note-This video is everything to me: 

Why the Starks Always Get Betrayed

This is me! This is my failure! It was so cool to see my mistakes on the video. I have been expecting everyone to react to things like me. To have motivations like me. Then I end up feeling betrayed when I am...betrayed. But I wasn't careful; I opened the door, but I didn't have my eyes open. I am not advocating for deceit, but maybe a little discretion in some areas is best. I wish I had seen this years ago.