Day by Day~ just rambling

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It's morning again, and I slept until after 6:30. That is rare for me. I even had a sweet dream, which made me feel young and hopeful when I awoke, and the first thing the little boys wanted me to do was read to them in my bed. Sadly it was a really weak book, "The Berenstain Bears and the Real Easter Eggs," which the boys like, but I really don't. Some Berenstain Books are great and have good ideas, but this one just feels weak. 

 But your little ones would probably like it because it has lots of pictures of candy!


I found a new morning coffee. We had been drinking the Great Value French Roast K-cups. Now, I am not going to say these are the best things around, however, I liked them because they were bold and strong and cheap! However, my husband has been refusing to go to Wal-mart, because he says their parking lot loudspeaker announcements are like a dystopian nightmare. I think they are weird, too, but I will go to Walmart if needed. However, somewhere along the way, I ended up trying a different brand. Now, I like that Highland Grog I told you about in a previous post. Mmm! But I wanted something unflavored for every day use, and since I am blessedly home every day (loving it!) with this whole pandemic fiasco, I wanted something just regular. And I found this:




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I don't know why I grabbed the Post Alley, but I did and I enjoy it. It is rich and very smooth on the tongue. Now, I am not a coffee aficionado, or would that be connoisseur?  who can talk all day about the difference in coffee beans and roasts, but I know I like this. I would like to try some of their other coffee, too. I usually mix my "good" coffee with a cheaper store brand or Folgers to enrich the less expensive coffees and to stretch the better stuff. I have to say, today I grabbed my cup when it was still brewing and it is strong and bitter. I also had fresh pineapple, so maybe I am just reacting to the contrast between sweet and bitter.

Listen, this last month and a half has been one of the best in years. Once I went through the initial adjustments I have found I am sleeping better, have very little anxiety, and am more active whether walking or stair climbing. Now I have gained a few pounds, as  unfortunately a walk around the neighborhood doesn't erase the calories of too many home-baked goods, but overall it is nice. However, there are downsides to living this way long term. First of all, financially, noone is going to pay me to stay home for years. And poverty is yucky. This is just a lucky break (assuming we don't get sick). Two, a woman needs a means to support herself and her kids in case of troubles. Three, this goes along with two, but retirement is a thing, and who wants be working well into their seventies and beyond? Not me!

So, I am just going to enjoy it for what it is. Ultimately, I like our lifestyle and don't want to cut back. Now when the Universe is ready to bless me with that winning lottery ticket-or when my store takes off and starts pulling in real cash, I will be happy to move on to something new! I feel as if I have plateaued at my current job, and that is sort of pathetic to me.  Can you imagine how nice it would be to just focus on my online shop? Or expand into a real little shop? I want my own store. How do I do that? It doesn't even have to be clothing, just a little place that is mine with interesting things and a warm, homey vibe. I'd have a little office in the back to run my numbers and a coffee pot and people would come see me, and I could focus on those superficial greetings which don't make me anxious about saying the wrong thing or pissing anyone off, because who can mess up a greeting?  I need a mentor.

I also need to stop with the superficial greetings and holding people an arms' length away. I am going to start drawing them in. I don't mean to hold them away, but my cautious language does that. For example, a coworker has found a new job. Everyone was saying how they would miss her, and my words were, "I am sure you will be missed." Now what I was saying is, "I will miss you." But my natural inclination was to remove myself ( and thus protect myself) and make a general statement. I have to stop doing that.

I have finished my stack of library books more or less. I need to get them together and drop them off and start reserving more. There are a few I didn't read, but they just didn't pull me along they way a book should. They were all nonfiction. I am a nonfiction junkie. That is so the opposite of who I was in my younger years. It's just so hard to find a fiction book which really draws me in. I want to be head over heels wrapped up in the story and can't put it down if it is fiction.
I have started this book:

But I am not in love with it yet. We'll see. I probably just need to keep on. There's nothing magical or romantic about it to get me hooked. But it was well-recommended.

I will be happy when my 10-year-develops a bit of modesty and doesn't walk through the house naked. Just saying.

So I am just rambling. I find myself torn over what to do with this blog. If I wait until I am inspired to write, I will write little. If I write regularly, but it runs of the risk of being dull and boring. Also I am struggling with people pleasing. I am always, always thinking of spiritual things, but I am sort of eclectic in my thinking. If I try to please the Christians, I leave off a large part of my thinking. If I am open and free with what I am thinking, I'll have some thinking I am a total flake as well as sinfully wrong.

So as far and when to write-I will just have to go with the flow. As far as spiritual things, I need to be strong enough to be me. If people laugh, they laugh. If they feel the need to pray for my lost soul, well, it can't hurt.

Much easier to say, "Be yourself," than to actually stand up and be you, though, isn't it?

Reading together, brotherly love

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It has been an effort to keep my ten-year-old reading during this break from school. He would much rather do a hands-on experiment, watch a YouTube video of someone doing a hands-on experiment, play Minecraft, or just ride his scooter around than sit and read a book. However, as both a teacher and a mother, I know how important it is to continue reading. Not only does reading practice those important skills, it introduces the reader to new vocabulary, and far beyond academics, enlarges the reader's worldview and the whole scope of their life. If you think I am being dramatic. I am. It is! Reading can absolutely change a person and change a life. Think back to those first chapter books which have really stuck with you. If you read and reread enough, those books become a part of who you are. That is why I love sharing books in my classroom, even if I am reading or we are listening to an audiobook. Stories broaden our world. I learned history though teen romance novels and science through adult literature-and learning this way is painless!

Off my soapbox now. I want my boys to understand and share my love of reading. I also want them to have a shared experience beyond who can ride their scooter the fastest down the road. So I have made a deal. Some might call it a bribe, but I prefer to consider it a business deal. My older son is reading this famous book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone aloud to my seven-year-old, and I am providing incentive to do so.

Now, you might be a little shocked over the incentive, but hear me out. First, my 10-year-old doesn't like Harry Potter. Magic isn't real and he lives very much in the world of real, or at least theoretical. However, we are a Harry Potter family, and I strongly desire to get his Ravenclaw butt hooked. My seven-year-old likes Harry Potter, but could use more opportunities to practice sitting quietly and listening. Also, I remember listening to my brother read books such as The Hobbit and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe aloud to me. I could see those gigantic spiders swooping in ready to gobble up the Bilbo and his friends. I could feel the respect and awe reserved for Gandalf. I, too wanted to step through the doors of the wardrobe into a magical world where adventures awaited. I want my sons to share that experience of wading through imaginary lands on an adventure together.

We have purchased the Illustrated edition, because it is so beautiful. I just love the pictures and I believe they will draw in the young listener. There is enough text, however, they will still have to rely upon their own imaginations to help create this world in the clouds.

It's risky-pushing someone to do something which I would like to come from the heart. If things work out perfectly, then they will enjoy it so much, they will ask for the second book, and continue on an amazing childhood adventure together. If it doesn't, then my son still won't want to read for fun, and the bonding I hope happens will form somewhere else. At that point, I will continue to read aloud to them in the evenings, but it is proving difficult to always fit the time into our evening routines since the three-year-old is staying up later.  They will have to bond over BeyBlade competitions and Minecraft discussions. I am excited to see how it turns out!

Nice in the time of Coronavirus

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What if, for a just a little while, we stopped the nastiness?

I know, I know, how idealistic of me.

When all this first started and items started to disappear from the shelves people began to worry. A local citizen started up a facebook group to spread information , help people locate necessary goods, and find out when their stores were operating. Everything was changing rapidly and this group did a fantastic job of providing community members with the information they needed.

After a couple of weeks, however, it started to get a little nasty. People started posting opinions and politics and eventually it became a place I didn't want to hang out anymore. As time has gone on, the supply of most items I want has balanced out anyway. I even managed to score a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer last week!

Life goes on, even during a pandemic, and it wasn't long before the memes started. They were funny and clever and at first, poked fun at this weird situation and all the ironies we were being faced with. But they slowly began to change. Suddenly all the friendship and comraderies started to disippate, and people began moving back to their corners. Instead of honest discussions about the repercussions real people were feeling, people started name calling. It didn't seem to matter which side you were on, you were wrong in someone else's eyes. 

Worried about getting your job back or paying your bills or not losing your business? Someone had something to say about that.

Scared of being forced to work as an essential worker. Someone was mad.

Scared of getting a disease that could be deadly? Geez. Obviously the left mainstream media had you fooled.

Worried about the government using this to limit your freedom (now or in the future)? Well, you are just a dumb trumper.

Boy, this will show those dumb anti-vaxxers!

Buy an extra bag or two of flour and rice because you are worried about your next paycheck? How selfish!

I think the very, very worst I have seen is people stating, "No medical care if you go to a rally. Let all the Trump-lovers get what they deserve." And believe me, I am no Trump lover. 

The truth is, many of us fall into more than one of those categories. Some people may put all their trust in the government and feel very secure with shutdowns. Others may remember governments of the past centuries and be very scared. The truth is, there can be unintended consequences and fallouts from ANYTHING, and we still don't have all the answers. 

And no matter which side you fall on and who you believe, your feelings are valid, and your thoughts  might be very real. We don't know how this will play out. We don't know know how long it will last, how severe it will be if it returns, if they will find a vaccine which works effectively. We don't know if governments and private corporations will take advantage of this to gather more control.

On top of all of these unknowns, everything in life has shifted. The smiling face at Walgreens is now behind a plastic partition and ugly blue mask. Every one in the store looks warily at everyone else, and people move away from others. I greeted a fellow teacher as we passed outside the school building a month ago, and while he smiled, he also moved a few steps away from me. It is hard not to take it personally when a person steps away as if you are diseased or dangerous. The Karen in me isn't used to this! I'll reach to grab a can of corn, and someone turns to look, and I think, "Oh my God, I am in their space." Yesterday, I witnessed one older gentleman reach out to another other man, knowing he was of the same political persuasion and say, "I am not afraid to shake your hand." As we stared in horror, the second gentleman smiled and said, "That's okay, I was just about to wash my hands, anyway."


This is not normal. None of this is normal. And to have every little aspect of life turned upside down and for how long, we don't know, is really hard. And to start splitting it into partisan ideals is just too distressing.

And I just wish, we could all listen a little harder. I wish we could listen to the scientists, consider the politicians, and accept our neighbor. I wish we didn't need to prove a point, by being gleeful at the thought of protesters getting sick, and I wish we would not reach out and shake a 74-year-old man's hand right now to prove a political point.

My Review of Staying Stylish by Candace Cameron Bure

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Candace Cameron Bure's Book (with Rebecca Matheson), Staying Stylish, published in 2017 by Zondervan.com, was on my quick read list today. For me, a fashion/style book doesn't require reading word for word. The subtitle of this book is Cultivating a Confident Look Style, and Attitude. The book contains three parts: Fashion, Skin Care, and finally, Health, Fitness and Spirit.

Note: The cover price on the book reads $22.99. Amazon is offering it heavily discounted.


I personally love me a good fashion/beauty book. Self-help and self-improvement books have been on my menu since elementary. Sometimes it exasperates my husband who seems to think they are below me, but he doesn't get it. I enjoy reading fluff books, just as he likes listening to music, and I have no apologies to offer for my little pleasure. The equivalent of bubble gum pop, top 40 dance jams (yeah, I just said that), or dare I say it? Bouncing around the Room, these books are relaxing good time read.

In the fashion section, we have Candace modeling classic basics. Let's be honest. She is just so cute! It's hard to believe looking at the photos she is only 5'2". She must have to stick to a depressingly low calorie intake to stay so slender. If you have never read a fashion book, then there might be some new information, but otherwise I just enjoyed getting inspired by the pictures. Most books give advice on how to build a capsule, which I felt was lacking in this book. To me staying stylish would include on advice on what is flattering rather than telling someone to try on what is flattering and/or get it tailored. While that is part of the equation, most people want a little more guidance before heading to the store. Also some discussion about color choices would have made it even better. A lot of people struggle with putting together a thought-out mix-and-match wardrobe.

 The Skin care portion was pretty straight forward. Candace shared some of her products and routines. I only skimmed that part. I have my routine down already. There was information and product recommendations for makeup, which again, would probably appeal to the young, or those who want to feel REALLY in touch with Candace through products.

 I totally skipped the exercise section, but it consisted of Candace holding weights in her hand and getting in various positions. She definitely does look toned! Where's my chubby cheeked sister from the 90's?

The nutrition information was great. I loved the idea of carrying a water bottle, although as a teacher, it doesn't seem like the best way to get through the day (90 minute block scheduling)... But her recommendations for healthy eating on the go were helpful. Tuna and salmon packs are great ideas which I never think to consider. I particularly liked the easy-grab meal and snack ideas, because so many book incorporate complicated menus and recipes-and I just don't have time for that in my life.

Finally, the suggested for nurturing your spirit were right on. From journaling to reading to prayer to giving back, Candace devotes a from a few paragraphs to a few pages for various activities designed to nurture your soul. Most of my free time is devoted to nurturing the spirit (Hello, Blog!), so while I didn't find anything new, it is always appreciated. I gotta admit after reading Candace's selection of favorite books, I found myself wondering if reads all that much, but hey! she is a working actress, she doesn't have to be a total book nerd.

I think the target audience for this book would be women in their upper 20s and 30s.  If you are Candace fan,  you will enjoy the cute outfits and her big smile plastered on numerous pages. If you are don't know a lot about wardrobe planning or want to have her fitness moves in an accessible place, buying the book might be good for you. For myself, it was a great library book and I enjoyed the hour I spent flipping through it!

Silent Saturday

Late Night Doubts

If you know me well, you know I tend to be messy when tired. My emotions tremble and everything seems magnified. Heck, maybe we are all this way. Despite not overdoing the coffee today, I am here and awake at nearly midnight. Ugh.

And what I am feeling so intensely is embarrassment and shame. There are things I have discovered lately, which just leave me throwing my hands up in--not quite despair--perhaps, just resignation. You know all those times when you feel indignant as if the world is just not fair and everyone is selfish and mean and all this is done to you? I know I am not alone here. Well, that's all true. I mean, some of it. The world is unfair, people are selfish, people can be mean, and it seems as if  the world just wants to drag you down sometimes. But you know what else is true. So are you. You are unfair, you are selfish, and you are mean. And by you, I totally mean me. We are all just this big pile of emotions, tempering them through thoughts and our own biases and so damned sure that we are right. And we are. And we aren't. I am beginning to think the order of the universe is that there is no order. Just a pile of stumbling dumb baby souls toddling around trying to get the blue cup. Some of us have people skills, and we flash our dimples to get the cup we want. Some of us have  emotional control and show our logic to convince the one is charge we should get the cup. Some of us are just effortlessly powerful, and some of us have to fight or steal our way to the cup. But the desire is the same, we all just have a different set of skills in our toolbox. And damn, that's unfair.

I have been into new agey, affirmative, abundance-based faith lately, but I feel it slipping away in doubt.
I don't want it to slip away.
Will I return to more organized religion? Will I put my faith in science for awhile? I don't know. I am not ready to leave this room, but the doubts are creeping in, and hands are pulling me away. Maybe it is time for the shift.

Maybe, it is time to better synthesize all the beliefs-to come up with one whole belief which incorporates aspects of all my faiths. After all, God is the god of all.

For years people have told me I should write more. Put more out. So I built up my blog and suddenly. I have nothing to say. My content is shallow and bland and a growth group I am in asked me, "What is my point? What do I want out of this? How do I make this a successful marketing venture?"

And I just don't know. If my power is the ramble-how can I market that? Who wants to hear from the person who "shifts" from year to year? Who wants to hear from the person who can't get the blue cup?  And I guess then answer is to fake it. Fake getting the cup, fake the whole thing until enough people buy in and suddenly I wrap my hand around that next ring. But would I lose my soul in the process? I don't mean lose, like to the devil. I mean, just lose the essense of what makes me, me?

Do I have to choose between authenticity and success? Just because of the toolbox I was given?

So I feel these failures weighing on me, and I am not sure what to do with them. I have the option of just letting go. Just making the choice to let it all drop and just keep walking away, step by step. I can keep trying, keeping pushing and see what comes of it. I can try something else and distract myself with a new venture. There are some arenas I feel very, very stuck in, and some which I can easily let go. But man, easily is a dishonest word when ego is involved.

*It is morning now, and I remembered this book: Meaningful Work. One was placed in the mailbox of each of the teachers at my school a year or two ago. It is very much my kind of thing, so I read it quickly.



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Remembering this helped me to realize I need to be making my decisions based on my priorities and my principles. Authenticity and honesty are very important to me. Faking it to get followers might work for someone else, but it is going to leave me hollow and lost. Of my endeavors I need to decide if they are aligned with my priorities. Giving up is never easy. There is a part of me that wants to dig her feet in and NEVER SAY Die. But if I am chasing something because of stubbornness, is that the dream I want. I never realized how emotionally invested one can become in something that isn't even an interest of theirs.
I am speaking of the online clothing business my daughter and I have. We will be coming up one year in July, and I am unsure I want to continue pouring money into it. But I didn't realize how hard it would be to stop. Theoretically we just stop. We run a clearance and what is left, donate. Seems easy.

 But man! This pull in my gut is like, "No, gal! You gotta make this work."
But it ISN'T my passion. It isn't my dream. But maybe that is because it isn't successful. If we were pulling in more money, I might feel differently. After all, I do enjoy it. I love looking through items and deciding what to put up. I love it when people order (even when we lose money, hahaha), and I love packaging things and getting them in the mail. I enjoy it and feel privileged.

So I wonder if that is a sign to keep it up, or maybe it is sign that I enjoy retail and should explore that further with perhaps a different focus.

Things to consider.

Have a lovely weekend,

Sophia

Wanna check out my shop? I am open to feedback!

Lil Lemon Drop

Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is a lovely word, isn't it? Tomorrow I will go collect some of my personal items from my workplace for the summer.
Tomorrow is someone's birthday (actually, next Monday is!).
Tomorrow I will eat well.
Tomorrow I will exercise.
We put off the unpleasant, and even the pleasant which requires effort, until tomorrow.

Our dreams are always waiting for us in tomorrow-land. A lovely world of wishes, sunny skies, and happy days.

But what if tomorrow started now?
What if we gave that someone a call or hug now instead of waiting until their birthday?
Whatever I stopped eating for the day now?
What if I did a few exercises as I prepared for bed?

What steps can we take right NOW to reach those beautiful sunny dreams? Can we label a jar "Hawaii" for our dream vacation? Or perhaps we can start a paragraph, a page in the book we want to write.
Right now, we can sit for five minutes and meditate, focusing on our breath and consciousness, or focusing deeper on our vision. Right now, we can pray to God and shower the heavens with our words of gratitude, or share our sorrow and ask to be shown the light.

Waiting for tomorrow is romantic, and practical, and oh so very safe. But safe doesn't take us to our dream. Safe keeps us on the shore looking out at the surging sea and racing vessels. Let's put our oar in and bring a little bit of tomorrow into today.