On Pain

Several weeks ago I wrote about my struggle with the book I was reading, The Universe has Your Back, and the idea that pain was unnecessary. It just didn't seem to jive with the whole of human experience. However, while I cannot say that pain is never going to happen, I think I am beginning to understand a bit of what the author was referring to when she made this statement.

Disappointment Looms

In the past couple of weeks I have felt the underpinnings of yet another huge disappointment looming. I have been struggling with how to handle this. It makes me sad, and when I cannot figure a way out, I start to feel hopeless and angry. All the past disappointments come rushing back and the world just seems so unfair. And when one rages at the unfairness, others simply shrug it off and say, "Yep. It is."

What?! My problem-solving nature can't HANDLE this. It has to be fixed and made better, damn it!

Anyway, as I found myself spiraling down that painful path of realizing this goal seems ever-elusive to me, and I started to tailspin into the shame of "What is so wrong with me?" I realized that I have a choice. I can wallow in the pain and shame of not being good enough, or I can shrug it off and say, "All right. What can I learn here?" And the lesson cannot be that I am not good enough, smart enough, able enough, because I know myself, and I am all those things. The lesson is something else. So I choose to back away from the pain. To distance myself and try to look with fresh eyes. I don't have to feel pain. I may have to move on to something else. I may have to accept and focus somewhere else. But maybe there is a purpose at play here, perhaps one I cannot see yet, and I have to have faith in that. The purpose isn't to hurt me. It is to make me better and use my talents better. That is the promise I hold onto as I face the day.

Renewed Hope

I think this is what the author was referring to when she said we didn't have to feel pain. Hope and choice always exist. The opportunity to step back and grow is always present. It isn't easy. But it is there.


And  now two little boys are talking to me! Oh, the life of a mother.

Focus on Your Values

Today in my audio series on Simple Habit, the narrator talked about finding your own personal values and basing your life on those values. After contemplating what my values might be, I found myself disappointed in the knowledge that I wasn't necessarily living out what I valued in life.
It requires insight, clarity, and honesty to truly understand what you value.  I think often I jump on the bandwagon of other people's values because they are doing so well at being themselves and make it all look so good.
But when I sat, crosslegged and tired on the sofa, I tried to really get into who I was, and what I wanted to focus on, without the outside noise. Where do I want to spend my energy when all the other people, all the other influences are stripped away?

I tried to come up with three core values. Here are mine:

1. Family. I am family-oriented. I mean, I deliberately chose to have six kids. I love the idea of homey, family life, and I dream of winning the lottery so I can spend time exploring the world with my WHOLE family.
How am I doing?
I asked myself if the way I was living my life truly expressed this number one value in my life. And with a bit of shame, I have to answer no. Fatigue and  phone addiction continue to be the daily battle I have after work which keep me from truly focusing on this area. I think of the slapped together, eat-where-you-want dinners; the frustration over bedtime, and the messy house. I want my family to have a neat and tidy home because I believe that leads to neat and tidy thoughts.

How can I fix this?
A cup of coffee after school. I really need this step right now. Put the phone down. Nothing is happening there which can't wait until the kids are in bed. I will STAY out of bed. No matter how much I want to go introvert alone, I will remain downstairs and actively involved. I will also get my husband on board with getting the kids to bed by 8:30. He works until seven and after that I am just a basketcase. I cannot do it alone. He cannot read my mind. I have to step up and say what I need.

2. Self-Expression. I think I am doing okay in this area. I have my little blog where I can write about things. Learning to filter everything even more than I was is sometimes challenging, but it really relies less on a filter and  more on focusing. Focusing on the right areas. To me, self-expression is being true to myself and putting myself out there and thinking my thoughts and sharing them with the world. I am a slow thinker, and so writing agrees with me more, and this blog is where it happens. I also have a journal where it REALLY happens, but even that is filtered. Someone, someday is going to read it.
How am I doing?
I am doing okay. I could really step up my production of writing if I hope to accomplish anything with mywords.
How can I fix this?
Again, I am pretty happy with it. I could dedicate a specific time to writing, if desired.

3. Knowledge. I struggled with this last one. I wanted to say something impressive like leadership or innovation. Or maybe something feminine and sweet like kindness. However I have found that knowledge (along with honesty) is very important to me and the way I live my life.
I have always loved learning in school. I could never understand those kids who said a certain subject was boring. Now there are some subjects that are more dry than others, particularly at the lower levels. For example, I wasn't very fond of teaching basic government class at the high school level. However, I did love the political science courses I took in college. Beyond regular American government I also took public administration and politics of the environment. Both were very interesting, at that level. I didn't particularly care for the difficult level of problem solving in my general physics classes, however the concepts themselves were interesting. My year of general Chemistry was fascinating. I liked biology and LOVED all aspects of geography, even economic geography. I loved languages and writing courses, though the professional writing major left me feeling a little out. They weren't quite my people. History! Plains Indian history and History of the Middle East. So cool! Analyzing an author's intent in literature classes didn't tickle my toes, but learning about the author and quietly contemplating the meaning of the literature on my own was fascinating. And all the juicy social science courses with their people and their statistics and the applications to the world. So very yummy. I love to learn.
How am I doing?
I am not learning at the same rate I was 10 or 20 years ago. With a fulltime job, I am so busy.
What can I do?
I need to pick a focus and work on that. Occasionally I will become infatuated with an author and read everything I can about that person. I need to keep that curiosity alive whether it is about a person or a concept or a moment in time. This can be easily done.

I don't know if this list will remain static or not. Time moves us, like a  plant in the water, whooshing and swaying with the current. Values change, hearts change. I think keeping open to the possibility of change, while focusing on truly living out the life we want to be remembered for living is key.

Do you know your values? Are you living a life which showcases your values? How can you get back to what you truly value?  Sometimes we all need to stop and think about how we are living our lives and whether we are living the life we think we want to live.

Focusing on Strengths

This affiliate link, which helps pay for the costs associated with blogging, leads to a great little handbook of ideas to prepare for the holidays.

If you are looking for fun ideas to get ready and organized for Christmas, I always love Alison May's series of kindle books on Amazon.

Today my daily motivational lesson from Simple Habit focused on Strengths. Knowing them and working with them and focusing on using them, instead of always operating from a deficit-based outlooked. This was nice for me, because I am very much a person who has focused on the deficit-based outlook. I totally blame this on a book I read, by some man, in my late 20s when I was going back to college. It specifically said to focus on your weak areas, so that you could become more well-rounded all around. So that is what I did.

I realize now, looking at the other people, and the amount of time and money they saved just finding what they liked and were good at and going for it, perhaps I shouldn't have taken his words so to heart. 270 credit hours later, I am still over here like, "Uh...what was the point again?"
Seriously though, I was never a math whiz (only a sad, sorry 27 on my math ACT), so of course, I had to get a minor in math. And I struggled. Calculus 2 and those damned series and sequences about did me in. Way too abstract for my brain. Oh, but rebel Jill stands up and say, "Hey, if you would have just sat down for several hours and really focused on getting it, you would have." Maybe. But I never wanted to. And maybe that is what I should have heeded. That part of me that said, "No, don't care." I loved history. I was good at history. I have at least 50+ hours of social sciences included 18 hours of history, with six of those graduate level. But I read, early in my career, history was considered an easy major, easy to get A's in, and I knew, that couldn't be the path.
I did end up with a psychology degree, when I ran out of money and had to just graduate already. And it was interesting, and at the graduate level would have been A-okay. But it was time to work. And so education it was. But education is what it almost always was growing up. I dont know if that was a calling (aside from wanting to write), or if it was that working class thing, where teachers were the first college educated people i really knew, and so it seemed most accessible. Or if that is what I was called to do. Old readers know I have been over all this before. Life runs in cycles, and so does the brain processes, it seems.
I am off track. My point was I should have focused on my strengths: Memory, writing. Languages (which I have forgotten from nonuse). Knowing what I know now, I should have double-majored in geology and antiquities, the science which really feels grounded to me and the a humanities-social science based degree which calls to my soul. But alas. Single mom with kids. I had real and practical decisions to make. And so, whoosh! Self-understanding and loving kindness wash away all the should haves and pride in how far I have made it take over. Perhaps it already is what it should be.

My strengths transfer to what I am doing. Who am I to say this wasn't the path all along? I just took the long and winding route.

So my The Universe has Your Back book, got weird on me. One day I am meditating for peace of mind the next, the lady is trying to send me on a guided meditation with my spirit guides. Not to knock anyone else's religion, but that was too far for me. If there ARE spirit guides (and that is very Embraced by the Light, Bettie Eadie-feeling), they are on the other side of the veil and not to be interacted with. Our feet are on the ground because they are meant to be on the ground. How does one distinguish between enlightenment and mental illness at the point? Not the path for me. I am still meditating. Sitting quietly, attempting to clear my thoughts, saying nice things to myself. I am just not verbally inviting the unseen to travel along with me. If they are there, they are there. If not, well, okay.

I am feeling a bit apprehensive. I want a day to stay in bed. I have a meeting today, so I am going to get up and get it done, but I don't feel ready for the world today. It will be okay. It is just winter's hermit mode setting in, most likely.

Have a beautiful day. Maybe purchase the ebook and get a few ideas.

Another Thanksgiving

Dawn is still holding off, and now that we have moved the desktop upstairs to make an office, I have a glorious view of the east from the window behind the computer. I awoke early, certain I did not want to work on paperwork for school. I must get to that tomorrow morning. I don't want to scramble on Sunday. Plus the waiting makes the time off less satisfying, because I know it is there.

Thanksgiving is a marvelous reminder to be grateful for the many things we have.Sometimes I will more publicly list my reasons to be thankful on social media, but often that feels slightly indulgent. So I will keep my list a little quieter, in my heart, this year.

I find I miss my mother on Thanksgiving. Whether we had a meal together or I visited her later in the evening, she was always up for a movie or some sort of fun. I miss her energy and the warmth of her voice. Sometimes I still feel her breath on my shoulder or the softness of her skin.

My son, Caleb, isn't wrapped up in Thanksgiving memories. If he was home, he was likely hiding in his room, and would come out to tell me which foods he hated. I think he liked turkey, though one year I lied and told him it was a really big chicken, in order to get him to eat it. He was so fussy. But he rarely participated in festivities, and I think he spent Thanksgiving evenings with his dad and later working. So no tears of remembrance fall in that regard.

I am thoroughly enjoying meditating for calmness. I like the heady feeling of power when I find I can completely change my mood. I have watched others do it, an old retired coworker when I would get frustrated and worked up, would interject with questions about my children, knowing that would change my mood. I could see her doing it, and part of me was like, Wait! I need to hang on to this anger, and part of me was like, Well, alright. I will play. Learning to let go of anger is no easy feat. Everywhere around us we receive messages: Go get yours. Don't get mad, get even. And so on. This idea that we fight and struggle for every tiny bit of real estate in the world is prevalent. I am not saying to let go and be a doormat. What I am saying is, not everything is worth the fight. Not every negative feeling, slight from others, or rejection, requires a huge emotional investment. Sometimes, acknowledgment and shrugging it off is the answer. And the true ding! ding! ding! million dollar answer is learning to shrug it off and give others the grace your ego doesn't feel they deserve.

Giving grace to others when you are hurt, is so hard. Maybe you were hurt on purpose and maybe not. But true peace can only come to yourself when you learn to give others the same benefit of the doubt you wish to receive. It isn't easy! Ego stands up and demands to be heard. But just like my coworker could turn my head away from anger, ego can be turned to something more productive.

It isn't easy. It takes a lot of practice and falling down and failing. But we have a lifetime to learn.

So thankful for the words to express myself and this magical space in which to do it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Butterscotch Blondies

I came home from work craving a little sweet treat, but sadly there was nary a bit of chocolate to be found. Next best thing? Ooey, gooey butterscotch blondies!

I chose this recipe because it was made with oil and I am economising on butter. I did substitute a glass pie plate for the 8x8 pan.

The recipe can be found here.

It was super easy to whip up in a matter of minutes!

First I mixed the wet ingredients. I just used a big spoon.

Next I added the dry . 

Finally, I put it all in the baking pan!

Less than 30 minutes later, a sweet and easy treat for the kids ( and grown ups, too!).

Actually, it took almost an hour. Between my two-year-old messing with the lock on the oven door, my seven-year-old and hisneighbor friend running around , and my nine-year-old asking me to look up molecular formulas for various acids, I somehow turned the oven off . I realized my mistake eventually and finished baking the Blondies. They were just a smidgen brown on the bottom😁

Popular- A book

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I just picked up this book and read it tonight (it's a fairly short read). It was exactly what I needed at this time. The author, Mitch Prinstein looks at how popularity continues to greatly influence life outcomes, even though the subject is almost taboo. Popularity continues to exert a  huge influence regarding who is listened to, who is taken seriously, and who is ignored or neglected.
Seeing it in book form was both exciting and slightly discouraging, as if you are one of the unpopular, you tend it hope it is all in your head. He also explains how popularity is linked to income, retaining one's job in tough times, getting one's way over others, among other things.

One story he told was how an impassioned mother fought for six months, lobbying, researching, and working towards getting a gifted program in her local school. The school board repeatedly denied her. Then a more popular lady whisked in, and using nothing but her own personal power, persuaded the school board to start a gifted program within 15 minutes. I know many of us can relate to this, and the helplessness we feel when we are on the "unpopular" side of such circumstances.

The author splits people into five groups: the average, the accepted, the rejected, the neglected, and the controversial.
The average make up about 40% of the population, with the accepted being the popular and well liked people. The rejected are the ones who are not liked, although, they may not even know they are rejected or disliked, but they are known. Ouch. The neglected simply tend to be forgotten, and finally the controversial may be high profile or high status, but aren't particularly liked by peers. Of these, of course, the accepted fare best.
Seeing which group one falls into is fascinating, although as stated early, it isn't really a huge surprise. Additionally even among the average in the center, each person has tendencies towards one of the other groups.  Instead, the book takes what is probably experienced day to day, and occasion to occasion, and puts it into terms and words which lend validity to the experience.

The author isn't without hope that people who fall into the less desired corners can change and become more popular. He does, however, note that during times of stress or in new situations, we all have a tendency to revert to the feelings of adolescence, thus making true change difficult (although not impossible).

Personally, I enjoyed this book because the stories told contrasting different people and their outcomes was fascinating. I could find myself and see my own experiences in the five groups of people, and could quickly identify the two I lean towards . If you are slightly on the nerdy side, and want a book which validates your experiences in the world of grown-up cliques and power structures, it's a fun read.

Quotes for business hurdles

Sophie's World was required reading for my Intro to Philosophy class in college. Not too challenging and made the history of philosophy accessible and interesting.
This is an affiliate link which could result in compensation for me, should you choose to purchase.

If you are anything like me, you love a good quote! Quotes remind us of truths, give us insight, and sometimes simply give us a positive direction to aim our thoughts. While sometimes quotes can become empty platitudes full of saccharine goodness without any real truth and weight to them, the right quote can truly impact your life and day in a positive manner.

Whilst looking up information regarding something someone said in a post on Quora, "Buddha doesn't belong in the boardroom," I stumbled upon these inspiring quotes. Not all fit. Certainly not all fit all the time. However maybe if you are feeling a little discouraged, you can find a nugget of truth in them.

Business Relevant Quotes from Ancient Philosophers