Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Vibrations

 According to the book I am reading, The Universe has Your Back,
(note: this is an affiliate link, which if you click and purchase can lead to compensation for me)our thoughts influence our feelings, which influence our energy and world and experiences-nothing new right? I mean whether you believe it on the mystical Universal level or whether you just think, "Duh! Happy people bring happy days (and vice versa)," this is probably old news to you right?
But still the past few days have been hard. Part of it is overeating and sugar. It is a vicious, addictive cycle that just has me feeling bad. There have been more treats in the office and once you start, you can't stop. At least I can't. I also keep fizzling out on calorie counting. I am going to have to bring my fitness pal up at work, even though I am terrifed admin is snooping and somehow they will see my weight (because you know, what else are they going to do all day?). But I need to just bring it up and use it.
Also I discovered I am lacking a personal system for completing a part of my job effectively. For the second time in as many weeks, I look really incompetent and stupid. I know this could be fixed by creating a system that works for me (and as soon as I fix the problem, I am going to do that), but I still a bit embarrassed and careless. But the creating a new system is sort of exciting. It's going to be so smooth-running and failproof, this problem will never happen again. And that is a powerful feeling.
But underneath this issue, is a feeling of deep hurt.
And the problem is when you start dwelling on the hurts, even though it is important to acknowledge them, it becomes hard to see past them. And sometimes you may find, you WANT to be stuck. To not be stuck means letting go of  your pride and pride is so so hard to let go of. If you let go, they win. They win. The people who hurt you, win! So you see the trap. So how do you get out of these self-imposed traps? Breathing and affirmations, of course. Prayer. Making the connection to what is bigger than the emotions swirling around in your heart, influencing your brain. And a lot of fortitude. It's hard to let go of things. And they have a way of rising back up under stress. There is this constant need for vigilance and renewal. My brain patterns were formed in negative feelings. Whether it is nature or nurtures fault (and it is probably both. I was probably a ticked-off petty little toddler), the brain tries hard to revert to what it is comfortable with when in stress. You PERSONALLY have to put your hand up and say stop, give yourself a big hug (because you exist and thus deserve it), and make changes. No easy feat. But worth it.

Anyway, I went to pick up the other book I was reading (I have about four going on right now-who knows which I will finish), but only saw this one by my bed, so I picked it up and read a few pages. And then-refreshment.
I had to stop reading because one, whenever I get a little reminder of a truth, I have to write about it, and two, a rainstorm with a bit of thunder struck and scared the two year old.
And then there is that head-shaking shrug, and wonder how one can forget.

I need to make a guidebook, I think. Something with the truths I have gathered which I read through regularly.

So I guess I have two assignments for myself:

System for my work issue
Guidebook for like you know, living

While the work plan won't be shared, as it is rather irrelevant here, once I get the guidebook underway I will share it.


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Twix cookie recipe

I tried out the Twix cookie recipe. First of all, my cute little gingham half-apron did nothing to keep my clothes clean.  Second, sugar and I are not the close friends we used to be.

Here is the recipe link:

Twix cookies

Here is my cute apron:

Rolling and cutting the shortbread cookie base with my daughter and youngest grandbaby, Peter. Ignore the abused cookie sheet. I have little boys who use them for serious experiments and thing, you know.

Finally the cookies 

I didn't get a final picture, because the chocolate was ugly and made a mess. I will say the cookies were okay. But much, much too sweet for me. I literally crashed and had to nap afterwards, and woke with a headache. No more body abuse for me today!

I am not sure I would recommend these. Although they were tasty, the shortbread base was sort of meh, and the caramel chocolate was a sticky gooey mess. Plus they were hard cut and chew. I had something that tasted similar to a twix yesterday, but was made more like bars in a square pan, and I think that is the recipe I would like to find and try. It was softer and easier to eat.

Drink the water: Day One through Seven

Day One:
It is a bit after noon and I am about two glasses of water in (and about six cups of coffee). I feel awful, but I am sure it isn't the water but rather the super sweet twix cookies I made. I am feeling the after sugar drop, headachy and fatigued. I should take better care of myself. As to that the fact that we have been burning of the branches that feel a month or so ago and my hair reeks of smoke (of weed came up in auto fill- pretty sure I didn't poor that in), and I am feeling yucky.
Keep on drinking that water.
Six cups in. My ibuprofen has kicked the headache. Otherwise I feel pretty normal.

Day done. I drank the water. I feel pretty normal. Life hasn't changed yet. On to tomorrow!

Day Two:
On day two I was more comfortable with the water, but only had seven cups. I did drink many cups of coffee, however.

Day Three:
Didn't happen. I think I had a glass or two when I woke up, but it was coffee for the rest of the day.

Day Four:
I just woke up and had two cups. The first went down easy, but I really had to push the second cup down. However, now I am a quarter of the way through my goal, and it is only 4:19 a.m. Yeah, I am not happy about that!

Update: That was it. It was coffee and a glass of wine for the rest of the day. I will have to try harder on day five.


Day Five:
Again two in the morning and about two before bed.

Day Six: I woke up and had my typical two (well, really about 16 ounces in one big glass) galsses of water. It goes down pretty easily in the morning, although I have to force the last half-cup or so. Really, it will be easy today. I usually have about six cups of coffee. I know I should probably get that down to four or less, but it is hard for me to drink water during the work day when I am also drinking so much coffee. I have 90 minute block classes where I simply cannot go to the bathroom, and don't want to struggle through the time. In previous years, my class was closer to the our department office, so I could just call someone on conference to slip in for a minute, but now, I am on the other side of the building and that just isn't an option. Since I am not giving up coffee, it's the water than ends up on the chopping block. A few week's ago, I had a doozy of a UTI, apparently from staph, and boy, that was lots of fun at work! Most of the time when symptoms arise, I can just up my water intake, and it goes away in a day or so. This however, lasted several days, and started on a Monday, so drinking lots of water wasn't happening due to the reasons listed above. But I got meds on that Thursday, when I realized it wasn't getting better, I survived, and I continue down this difficult path of the inconveniences and pains of being a woman. Totally rocking it, right?

Actually I think I am ready for my second two cups. Easy breezy, drinking water on the weekends.

Has it changed my life? Not really. First, I didn't follow it as well as I had planned. Although I hear all sorts of debate on whether coffee hydrates you or not, I do drink a LOT of fluids through coffee. I think I am adequately hydrated anyway, although perhaps the coffee is more acidic to my system than water would be. I think my goal will be to cut back my coffee drinking to four cups. I guess that would be two before work, and getting two when I get to work. It may need to be five. I just really need that pick-me-up after work sometimes.

Water! Water! Drink more water!

Everyone everywhere (it seems to me) is saying to drink more water. Apparently drinking water is the cure-all which helps with weightloss, energizes you, and apparently cures cancer (I made that up). I feel frustrated because water is gross. I know, I know. I can add things. I can infuse it with berries and fruits (berries don't last long with my two little ones) and fruit, meh. I would rather just eat my fruit, thank you.

But I am going to try it this week. Since I am a very enthusiastic coffee drinker, I am always in the bathroom anyway, so why not just add some pure H2O to the mix and see what it does. Will I feel better? Will it make a difference? Is it all just placebo effect?

Let's see, shall we?
So starting today, I am going to focus on just the eight-eight ounce glasses. I will update this post on Saturday so we can look at the results!

My Top 20 Favorite Romantic Movies

Being a mighty queen is about far more than being a financial success or fantastic in the working world.  A might queen is someone who is living the most fabulous and happy life they can.
Living a good life should not be just work, work, work! There should be plenty of down time, plenty of entertainment, and plenty of stop and smell the roses time.

One of my favorite ways to sit back and a enjoy a little time is to watch something completely romantic and just let myself go. Watching romance sometimes requires suspending judgement for a little while-don't fuss that no man is really like that-truth be told, no woman is either. Just sit back, go with the formula plots and manipulative music and let yourself feel.

So in no particular order, let's go!

1. Flashdance. She has an amazing apartment in an old warehouse, he's weathy, there are a lot of cool dance routines, and it is sweet. Yeah, she's way too young for him, but let's just let this fantasy play out.

2. The Bridges of Madison County- It may be sad, but Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep are just so real.

3. Bridget Jones Diary-Bridget is crazy and quirky and totally relatable. You just have to love her and the men in her life.

4. The Notebook-Come on. When they finally get around to getting it on, you are literally DYING.

5. Silver Linings Playbook- Bipolar Disorder is real and I have real-life experience with people close to me fighting this battle. This movie was really touching at showing that even with a serious mental disorder, people are people and everyone is worthy of love.

6. Pride and Prejudice (Keira Knightley version)- Oh God, really. Just watch it.

7. P.S. I Love You- P.S. I loved this movie. The clothes, the romantic men, the scenery. It was just fantastic. The book although VERY different was great, as well.

8 The English Patient- Every since I saw the Seinfeld episode where Elaine hated this movie, I have felt a bit of shame in loving it, but I LoVE IT. My favorite movie ever. Unfortunately I have watched it so many times, my brain cannot handle watching it again.

9. The Holiday-Oh the houses. The houses were absolutely to die for in this. Jude Law isn't half bad and even Jack Black seemed kind of sweet (and totally the one I would have ended up with-I am much more of an Iris than an Amanda).

10.  The Fault in Our Stars-I just love this sweet, sad love story.

11. A Walk to Remember- Nicholas Sparks strikes again. This story is so sweet-The girl is amazing, the boy becomes amazing. Love it.

12. Twilight-I know. I know as a respectable woman I am not supposed to like this kind of drivel. But let me tell you, it is romantic. Sorry. The music is a major driver in stirring my emotions and Robert Pattinson can come stalk me in my bedroom anytime.

13. Pretty Woman-I mean who doesn't dream of being pulled off the streets and with a wealthy man with gorgeous rented jewelry?

14. Runaway Bride- Julia Roberts and Richard Gere continue their fascinating chemistry in this movie. I could totally relate to Julia's character. It is so easy to mold yourself into what someone else wants instead of taking the hard steps to be the you, you are meant to be.

15.Romeo and Juliet-Claire Danes and Leo Decaprio version. It's a completely weird take on such a dramatic piece, and I loved it.

16. Out of Africa-Such a beautiful movie.

17  Witness- I love this older movie from the looks in Harrison Ford's eyes to the roll in the fields.

18.

19. Pretty in Pink- I loved this movie, from the clothes to the lifestyle to the yummy sweet romance.

20. 10 Things I Hate About You-Unbelievable and enjoyable.

Emptiness is just full with totally different letters and more them

There is this statue, one which I have seen floating around the internet to represent the feeling of losing someone close, such as child.


I have been thinking on this quite a bit, and I am not sure that is the word I would choose. I recognize my experience is different than others. My child was not tiny, not flawless, not helpless in the traditional sense of the word. My grief was not totally unexpected; it was a grief waiting to happen in the back of my head for some time. But how does one feel empty?

I am blessed to have other children and grandchildren and a life so busy, more busy than my introspective self would like at times.

I don't feel empty.

I feel guilt. Guilt rising like a tidal wave, threatening to drown the land around it, but then logic and reason and self-love and kindness, pushes back gently and firmly and wraps me in her arms.

I once read that nothing is ever as bad as we fear or as good as we expect. And I do believe that. We just steady ourselves and keep to the middle as much as we can and keep on going.

When reason starts to rant at the futility, I feel the presence of love surround me and I know whatever the reason for all this *everything around us*, existence, Universe, whatever it is, it isn't futile. There are shadows and mysteries and energies not yet understood and God is good to me.

So emptiness is not what I feel. I feel remorse. I feel embarrassment, I feel frustrated at brain chemicals which determine so much of our daily lives, but by gosh. Life is full.

Prostituting Oneself

Or otherwise what may be known as professional growth.

Tonight I plan to help my daughter with our live sale on our in-stock clothing items. To do so is hard for me-it is too personal-it shows how much I want our business to be successful. Now if we fail, people will know I cared and pity me (or laugh-but we don't worry about those people). It is scary because most businesses don't make it and we are still about 200 sales away from being out of the red! Although I have considered raising prices so at least theoretically we are just 100 sales away. We are priced fairly low, but who can compete with Walmart and Penneys? It is hard. We have to try and pull in the people who WANT to support small business. Also maybe not even worry about the cheapo shoppers (of which I am). Maybe we need to focus on our audience-hip moms and dads who want unique boutique clothing that everyone won't be wearing.

The most disappointing aspect is the overall lack of support. I *know* it is a tough field to break into. Being told this isn't helpful. If you are truly concerned about me, then share my business. A like and share is free!

That said, this isn't a bitchfest. I am so so grateful for the people who have shared our posts and commented. I know I can't depend on Facebook friends for keeping my business afloat. But those who share and tag and comment-they are the true jewels. Getting your name out there as an option in the busy world of stuff everywhere! is hard. Those people make a difference. I vow to be more supportive of those who are taking a chance. Another hard part is, since we are not part of a multilevel marketing organization, but doing this on our own, the lack of support and knowledge is hard. It is all trial and error, and it isn't easy! But it is fun.

So tonight I will be the peddler on the road showing my wares, enticing strangers to purchase. It is weird. It is painful. Is it necessary? Obviously the real fear isn't looking pushy, but noone watching. But I guess it can be recorded.

Awoke at the depressing hour of 2:30 a.m. thanks to Gabe. Can't wait for this Friday to be done!