Pre-week Planner Check. July 8-14

Alright! Let's get this week started.

Public and Private Life

I have the ways of a hermit. As a young child, I dreamed of being like bird scientist, Nell Porter, in the movie, Continental Divide. Although my interest in eagles was rather limited, the idea of roughing it alone in a quiet mountain cabin appealed to my soul. I would write children's novels of course. All through my life, I found myself drawn to a life which would take me away from the hustle and bustle and people, whether it was emulating Heidi's grandfather in his cabin in the Alps, living in a cozy, wind-blown lighthouse like Captain Jim, or just homesteading out in the wilds of Alaska. Yes, by golly, that was the life for me.

As I have grown older, however, I have noted my practical knowledge of the world is small and rivals my lack of understanding for people and how to get along with them. Perhaps maybe a quiet apartment in the city, surrounded by books, and with the ability to watch my neighbors, cat in lap, and imagine what they are up to, would be best. 

But then, every so often, a desire rises in my soul and I WANT to be known. Even if I am the only person who sees the value in these thoughts, I want them out in the world-I want them stuck in someone else's head. 

I feel this change. Not that something is necessarily coming to me, or going to happen, but this other drawer has been pulled open in  my head and light is pouring out of it. It isn't all good. I see things, like I put in my retracted blog post about principles versus value, that show my failings all too clearly. I was too embarrassed at my own naivete and blindness to leave it up. Maybe someday I will get the nerve. Maybe today. It is hard. I get that I make mistakes. But on something so obvious, it is just humiliating. 

People my head has clung to and been influenced by for a decade are fading. They haven't done anything wrong, I just feel the currents are pulling our boats apart-which is odd, because they were tied together for inexplicable reasons for so long.

But on the outside, everything is the same. I have the same job, the same home, the same lack of friends. I just keep existing, but the whirls imprinted within are shifting, the colors clouding and reforming to something new.

My faith is faltering as science just keeps pressing its nose into reality. I guess I feel how can we be so important when the Universe is so big? How can one group of people, who do so much terrible, hateful damage in the world, also have knowledge of the truth? It is just faith.  One chooses to believe or not to believe. One chooses which version to believe. I will eventually choose it again. It is easier to close one's eyes and drift along, than swim against the tide, especially when the end will hit us all with the same drowning pull. And I live in Rome.

A little over a year ago, maybe a year and a half, I prayed a very earnest prayer to get over a particular problem. I prayed to be moulded in a certain way. I have found it to be painful and humiliating. I have also discovered, the medium, the clay-the marble, me, has a say in the moulding. We may be shifted and chiseled and pushed and pull, but we push and pull and shift in return. We are not nothing. We have a say in the moulding. We can never lose us.

I am struggling with the A Mighty Queen blog,  because who am I to give advice? This is more of a Just Jill post. But I am reading a book, Show Your Work! which advocates just using your voice and getting it all out the world-whatever it is you need to express, and so I jumped. But people want certain leadership, and someone to say, "Hey, follow me, I have the answers." But all the answers are made up and chosen. But I guess the presribed path is safe. If you fail-well, the leader, the "J" probably led  you wrong. Can I lead by not leading. By simply expressing my truth? 

What is this trend toward leadership? Doesn't that imply others must then follow? Why not, instead of leadership, use the term, action. Or Initiative, or Inspiration General,or something doesn't imply winners and losers right from the start?

This wasn't the post I intended to write. But maybe it was the post I needed to write.

I am off work for today and the next four days. I need the break.

End of the Week Planner

I didn't wake up today until after the sun was shining well (how I wish my eastern wall had a window), and lay luxuriously in bed until almost seven a.m. Then I got up with the realization that such luxuries mean less time for all this stuff I like to do in the name of doing something more with my life. Tradeoffs.

So I used my planner nearly every day. Mostly I used it to mark my weight and calories and push the planned chores on to the next day. Honestly, I started to wonder why I was even using a planner. First of all, my weight calories are safely recorded in My Fitness Pal. Do I need to put them in writing as well? Secondly, I always just pushed the house cleaning off. After doing regular maintenance work of laundry, clothes, sweeping, vacuuming, and so on, I just don't feel like doing extra house cleaning on top of everything. So I won't win Susie-homemaker of the year.

Additionally, I wanted to use my planner as a sort of bullet journal of all the things we had done. And this week-we did nothing. The first half of the week was dominated by my nine-year-old's severe sunburn. He missed three days of summer school. Then Thursday rolled around and we did not get ourselves out the door to hike as planned. My husband works until seven Friday and Saturday, and my two-year-old is usually in bed by 7:30, so those days were a bust. Today we planned to do a local amusement park or hike, but my son-in-law and daughter are laying laminate planks in our upstairs hall (yesterday they ripped up the carpeting), and will need help watching their little boys.  Maybe we will pull in an evening hike.

Yesterday, my husband and I both stopped with guilty looks and the feeling that summer was passing us by and we weren't living it. Granted the boys both have neighbor kids near their age and play long into the evening hours. That is a good thing. But we want to do more. See more. And fatigue, bad work schedules, and timing have been working against us. It isn't too late to start. We still have July and half of August.

This week, I plan to talk with Karl and write in what we want to do. I think with him on board, it will be easier to get things accomplished. Sometimes it takes two adults encouraging each other when the body is fatigued. 

Principles vs. Values and the Photographer Conundrum

Earlier this week, I began reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

This an affilitate link to help cover cost of maintaining this blog.

I think I have already read this before, maybe years ago, but honestly, it seemed a little beyond what I was looking for at the time. Now, though, perhaps after years of reading about principles versus values on my Myers-Briggs assessments, I wanted to understand what principles actually mean. This morning, I was so intrigued the first thing I googled was principles.
This is when I came to an article by Keith Norris on the Mission. org website, The Difference Between Principles and Values. In this article, Norris quotes Covey's book stating that principles are permanent, unchanging, and universal," where as "values are internal and subjective, and they may change over time."

This made some sense, but still left my foggy-morning head a little confused. Honestly and integrity make sense, however, does that mean the old, telling your friend she looks nice if she doesn't because she can't change it anyway, is a value? Because you are placing the feelings of your friend ahead of the underlying principle of honesty?

I was still confused. I decided to look for more examples. Philosophy Now had a great article Why You Shouldn't be a Person of Principle, which highlighted how using principle would work in one's life, as well as the downfalls to blindly following principle in every example. This made more sense.

Being a person of principle is an important goal to strive for, however, it is important to temper that goal with common sense and caring. Principles may fail sometimes and that is when true character shows-those cases where logic and emotion come into play simultaneously.

I thought about my own life and how honesty has always been a principle I have held to, and then suddenly, when contemplating my photographer conundrum it hit me. Blind principle is naive and foolish. Now I have saved myself a lot of trouble, by 'fessing up and getting to the point and getting the worst over with. But I was thinking about the impact on ME rather than the impact my truthfulness was having on other people.

What's my photographer conundrum? Last January I had a photography session planned for Alec, who is growing up without many professional photos because, time and energy, you know? The morning of the shoot, the photographer messaged me and asked if we were still on. Now it had snowed that night, not a whole lot, but enough that I wanted to spend my Saturday cozy inside. I am not afraid of driving in snow, mind you, I just love not having obligations on the weekend and the idea of staying home to relax was intoxicating. Also, the photographer had mentioned something about her son having a game, and I wondered if she was wishing she had the day off so she could focus on her kids. So I did the absolute wrong thing. I told the truth. Not a version of the truth, but the bald-faced truth. I would rather just stay home. Yes, I am cringing. Cringing. Arg.

Her response? I appreciate your honesty, and I will message you so we can make another appointment. I admit, I was a little surprised when she never messaged me.  I realize now, I was rude, canceling last minute, she did not appreciate my honesty, and I should have sucked it up and went, or lied and said someone was sick. And now that makes perfect sense. She might have turned down another family for that spot. She might have been planning on that $100 to help with a bill that weekend. I was a flake, and if I was going to flake I should have lied. So now, Alec is two and a half, hasn't had photos since he was an infant (except for Santa photos-and she was my Santa photographer!). Ikes.

While I was patting myself on my back for being prinicipled enough to be honest, a stronger value system would have respected her time and at the very, very least, told a white lie, although just bucking up and going would have been best. I get it now.
And I need a good, affordable photographer. She was good.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't learn these lessons earlier in life. It seems like everyone always lies, and I always thought I was the better person. Now in middle age, I find everything turned topsy-turvy, because clearly, there are times not to tell the truth. When someone says, "Sorry I couldn't make it to ... insert activity..., " I  smile and say it is okay. I can't tell them I cried for twenty minutes, because I needed them there. First of all, that is crazy-weak. Second of all, it is just against the rules, it seems. I do know that. I CAN lie to protect my tender heart and ego.
But then I think, again I am wrong,  maybe that is time when honesty is important. Maybe that person needed to hear I was disappointed they let me down.

And so I find myself in a loop trying to be the best person I can be, and maybe what I need to do is focus less on honesty as a principle and focus more on integrity and reliability. Had I done that, the photographer conundrum wouldn't exist, because I would have been keeping my word, rather than relying on my feelings at the time, and Alec would have some current photographs.

As I look back on this, I find I don't want to share. I am ashamed I learned this lesson so late. I feel weird that social lies went over my head for so very long. I feel a wedge of weirdness placed between the reader and me. I am so embarrassed by my own naive stupidity, and I realize now, selfishness.  At the same time, I feel excited, because once the lesson is learned, one CAN grow and change.

I know now it is my principles and focus that needs adjusting. I need to focus on the right principles and at the same move my focus away from myself and onto others when I plan a response. That doesn't mean I become a pathological liar (although I feel a bit of heady power at the thought that one can twist and subvert-I AM NOT A SLYTHERIN, though, and I will not give in!), but it means my toolset becomes more complex and is able to help me accomplish more and navigate better.

McNabb, Ramsey. “Why You Shouldn't Be A Person Of Principle.” Philosophy Now: a Magazine of Ideas, 2007, philosophynow.org/issues/60/Why_You_Shouldnt_Be_A_Person_Of_Principle.

Norris, Keith. “The Difference Between Principles and Values - The Mission.” Medium, The Mission, 15 Mar. 2017, medium.com/the-mission/the-difference-between-principles-and-values-789b95452422.

This week's planner

I am trying to use my planner more each week. This is my beginning of the week look (note the illustrations my six-year-old added!) and after the week has ended, I will fill in with my progress. One thing I noted is that using pencil doesn't really pop. I need to use pens or fine-tipped sharpie in order to see the writing more.

The idea behind my planner is to have a concrete place to put my calories for the day and weight for encouragement (although I am using My Fitness Pal throughout the day to keep track. My name is blueberryjill if you want to add me. If you CAN add through the name. I haven't ever tried! I also wanted to have a rough housekeeping outline and a place to put my workouts.

At the end of the week, I can repost what I actually accomplished, since I am marking off and adding notes as I go.

Usually I don't use a lot of stickers, mainly due to cost, however Runwith Craftscissors, aka Lesley, happens to be my coworker and gave away a bunch of stickers, so I can really play with them a bit. Although I am not as skilled as many at decorating my pages, they do add some nice color!

I am curious what other people put in their planners and what their style is.

Personally I like a lot of clean white space, and I often lament my messy handwriting. I am not the type to feel bad if my to-do lists aren't done, I just move 'em to the next day. This is obviously a personal planner. At work my to-do lists tend to consists of post-it notes with the steps and dates my paperwork is due (with the name of the accompanying person). I don't know why, but it works for me! I may step it up to a legal pad this year, we will see.

Check back in Sunday to see how this week went down or if you just want a sneak peek at my weight and calories!

The Most Influential Books in My Life

Photo by Bethany Laird on Unsplash

Most people who know me, know I love to read. In high school, as soon as I had a free moment, I would pick up whatever novel (usually a young adult historical romance) and get lost in another world. Lately, my to-do lists are so long (and they are mostly theoretical, I don't usually have a to-do physical list at home-I do at work, of course), I have trouble focusing on a lot of fiction, but I still do  indulge when I can.

Below are the top 10 influential books I have read.

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The Little House Series

The Little House series. Although these have fallen out of favor in the past few years, due to certain racist elements, the books themselves have had a tremendous influence on my life and the choices I have made. As a child, I smarted with the jealousy and unfairness over Mary's golden hair and good choices. As a short-tempered, brown-haired gal myself, I got it. Darn that smug Mary and her ability to behave. I see this with my own two boys. Gabe can give a little, while Liam will never give. As a parent, I appreciate Gabe's willingness to sacrifice and delay gratification. As a child, I would have been pretty annoyed with him.
The Little House books probably led to my strong desire to be a stay-at-home mom, after teaching in a one-room school house, of course. Special education is probably as close to the one-room school house experience one could have. Theoretically (although this hasn't happened of late) I would have smaller classes and more autonomy over what I are teaching (guided by IEPs and state standards naturally). I didn't know anything about this coteaching thing when I went into special education. It would have changed my mind. Note: I am a Liam, not a Gabe. But more importantly, I remember Ma with her routines: Wash on Monday, Iron on Tuesday, etc. and I desired to create that cozy, rhythmic home life. Then there was On the Banks of Plum Creek and during times of hardship, the girls learned at home, with Ma overseeing their lessons, and I had the desire to homeschool implanted in me. And later, These Happy Golden Years, where Laura first teaches school, with terrible living arrangements, and is courted by Almanzo Wilder, added the romance my teen self craved. I doubt you could bring up anything in these books which I couldn't remember.

Little Women

I first read an abridged version of Little Women on a snow day in fourth grade. I enjoyed it so much I had to check out the full version from the library and was hooked since then. I loved this book! As a girl there were aspects of each of the March girls I could relate to and it was easy to see myself living out the life of each one (well, maybe except sweet Beth). Being a struggling young homemaker like Meg, an ambitious, spirited writer like Jo, or a lovely, spoiled artist like Amy- who couldn't relate to these girls? Of course, like Wilder, reading this book only led to a greater interest in the author herself and reading biographies about her real life.

Sunfire Romances

The Sunfire romances were MY books in high school. The best, by far, were Amanda and Susannah. In Amanda, a spoiled Boston girl travels the Oregon trail and falls in love. In the second, a Southern girl faces the challenges of the Civil War and falls in love with a Union soldier. Good stuff, people. As the series continued, the books got much shorter, and less interesting, but overall, I learned a lot of history from these novels while fulfilling my feminine desire for romance. These weren't Literature, and I caught some flack for reading them, but truly, they greatly influenced me.

The Tightwad Gazette Books

The Tightwad Gazette books were created from a series of newletters which the author produced from her home. These started before the Internet Age, and were chock-full of practical information on how to save a penny, and how that could add up. I believe they did so well, she ended up retiring early. Although I have a love of luxury, which is always in conflict with my tightwadding ways, these books helped through those very lean years of living as a air force wife and later a divorced college student with three kids.

Ahab's Wife
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Oh! This book! I loved this book. It is the tale of the wife of Captain Ahab, from her point of view. It is a romance, but also an ambitious book where the protaganist herself survived a challenging Kentucky log cabin childhood with an unbalanced religious zealot for a father, and eventually found intellectual and social stimulation on Nantucket. It was a bit too long, dragging in parts, but truly inspired my interest in Astronomy and the idea of being a Renaissance woman.

Color Me Beautiful

Listen. I am all girl. And I love this color theory stuff. I don't always abide by it, but I read it, I study it, I absorb it. This is the original book with its awesome 80's photos and glaring colors, but truly, if you don't know whether you are a Winter, Spring, Summer, or Autumn, where have you been all your life? Now, there are numerous other books out there that build on this idea, and many website, and pins!

Please Understand Me

I adore personality theories. There are so many out there, and they may all be unscientific and silly, but I will tell there are hundreds of thousands of us, many very intelligient, who just eat this stuff up. This is based on the Myer's Brigg's temperament test and gives you a four-letter code with insight into your personality. I liked this book because I finally felt like someone understood what it was like to be me, and make decisions the way I do. These books and ideas are a HUGE part of me.

The Well-Trained Mind

My educational theories in a nutshell. I believe in a nature-based, Waldorf without the religious stuff, preschool, and then a structured classical education. While I think project-based learning has its place in education, I do not believe in child-led learning at an early age. Children do not know what is best for them, and well-educated minds are not encouraged by following the whims of childhood. And this is why, I so often lament not being able to homeschool. I simply cannot live the life I believe in due to our insane societal structure and cost of living a normal life.

The Anne of Green Gables Series

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These should have been first. My Gosh, nothing has probably influenced me greater than the Anne books. I will never be Anne. She is more clever, kinder, and lovelier than I can be. I will forever be destined to be a Katherine Brook, bitter, thwarted and jealous-but oh how I can love Anne and desire to be more like her. These books are great. They are laugh out loud funny, can move you to tears, and how many times have I stopped to wonder, What would Anne do in this situation? Every aspect of my life, which in childhood was filtered through the Little House books, is now filtered through the Anne series. They are my rock.

Women Who Run with the Wolves

Such a great book! This book brought to mind a deep richness and romance which had nothing to do with men. It promised an existence so deep and primal through the idea of archetypes imprinted in our brain-I couldn't help loving it. I haven't read it in several years, and maybe it doesn't quite belong on this list, but I am out of time.


Now, I have probably overlooked crucial books, and I am sure some of you are disappointed I didn't include the Bible or the Harry Potter series. However, I tried to be as honest as I could be in the moment, with kids fussing in the background.

I cannot fathom what my life would be like, or who I would be, without books to influence and guide me. We all have to build structures in our brain, ways to process and respond to the world around us. I believe reading, both fiction and nonfiction, helps us scaffold our thinking and responding in a way that differs from what Disney or YouTube shows young people. I believe our best thinkers and deepest feelers are those who can dig into books and think critically about them (not in the way literature majors do, I could never be one of those people-trust me, I have tried), but who let the words sink in, and throw out what doesn't work, and bring that book into the fabric of their flesh. I believe reading and thinking and feeling what it might be like to walk in another person's shoes makes us more human than we could be without.

Loving Saturday!

I can avoid housework with the greatest of them.

Here is some Saturday fun pictures of my youngest baby.