Metamorphosis

 

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

All throughout our lives we are changing. At first the changes are blatantly physical, but as the physical changes slow down and eventually start to pull inward, rather than blossoming outward, the internal changes have the capacity to increase.

Internal changes are more subtle. They can be self-driven or occur due to circumstances. I have always found life is a circle with rhythmic patterns emerging and rising and slowly dipping below to surface to allow others areas to surface for a while. While I am always spiritual, my dependence upon organized religion tends to wax and wane over time. At times, I desperately long to be  part of  some religous organization, and at other times, I am happy with the hodgepodge of beliefs I have put together alone.

On my own, this is fine. I can allow the inner tide to ebb and flow and grow and retract as my soul needs. I think sometimes it confuses my husband. I can't count the number of times he has said, "I thought you liked...." or "but in the past you wanted....."   And all I can do is look at him exasperated, "But that was in the past! This is now. Now is different."

Then I think perhaps I am just trapped in perpetual adolescence with my identity wavering depending on my moon (I meant to write mood, but moon came out through my fingers, and isn't that a prettier thought).  But...I don't think that is it. I think the core of who I am is always present. I am just trying on different dresses to see how each on fits. To really taste what is like to walk a bit in that particular dress. It's just an experience to think about. 

I went to an activity recently which had me viewing other people in a different way. For this activity, I was hugely thankful for outgoing, go-getters and appreciated the role they can fill in getting certain activities done. The more reticent and shy are not as well suited for this activity.  in this activity. It made me think of all the times I technically "showed up," but wasn't particularly useful in that activity. But there are other gifts besides the gifts of recruitment. Some people need more time to feel secure before they open up. Others would prefer to have to have a task and work diligently on that task. I am sort of like that. It isn't who I want to be. I want to be at the forefront and influential and noticed, but...I think my walls are just too high. But I can work behind those walls. I remember in Astronomy club in college. We were doing a public showing at the observatory. I was actually a fairly new physics student (yes, I know. Nothing in me says difficult, abstract, creative math problem solving...but I had to try it out-to taste it, and the Universe is dazzingly romantic). Anyway, it was one of the years when Mars was a little closer to the Earth and relatively bright and prominent.  There were lines of people for hours. I was given an 8 inch telescope, already set up and was to allow people to look through it. I did this. But I didn't KNOW anything. I was just sweetly smiling and shaking my head and explaining I was new. But then one of the professors came over, looked through the telescope, then gave me information about the particular globular cluster the scope was focused on. And suddenly, I had a job. With some general information, I could get excited and share some facts that people could visualize and understand. I didn't have to rely on making awkward small talk. I had a purpose. What is my point? My point is, we can all play some sort of a role, you just have to find that role. 

So Metamorphosis. I don't think I am actively in the midst of a shift right now. I have learned a lot of the past several months, though. I don't have the patience for young children I used to have. Part of it may be, I don't have the large expanses of time I used to have. I always have work to do online, so time shaping my children is taking me away from time developing my plans or doing tasks which need attention. If I didn't have to work perhaps I will feel differently. If all I had to do was get through the day, maybe I could slow down and just focus on developing and enjoying my children. But that is not an option for me. For so many years, I wavered on the edge-desiring to be home and homeschool (not with that online stuff-but my own real, self-designed work for my kids). But now, I realize, I will NEVER get the sense of security I need by staying home. I cannot handle being financially dependent on someone else with the life experiences I have had. It sort of sucks. All I ever craved was a quiet domestic life, with some creative time for writing (I mean who doesn't want to be famous for their hobbies, right?), but that dream cannot be balanced with all the other factors. And it sort of makes me feel weak. Part of me is like, "No! you have to stand up, throw it all away, and go live a simpler life. You have to prove to yourself you can handle whatever comes. You have to do this hard thing because it is the only thing that will make you feel alive! Break out of  the middle class comfort zone, with its insurance and retirement plan and semi-security. Go be real and live where you can feel it." 

But it isn't good for kids to be poor. I feel too much anxiety to rely on the possibility of needing the social nets if  things go wrong. I don't trust they would be there.

Plus I cannot stand the idea of not having enough money to get the heck out of Missouri on a regular basis. Why wasn't I born somewhere romantic like Scotland or Ireland? 

I feel like I am still asleep. I guess what I am searching for is that next change. That next shift that gets me excited and feeling alive. I want more and I am ready for a change and something new to think about. 

And I await the Universe for God's perfect timing. 

When Breath Becomes Air Book Review

Photo by Artem Sapegin on Unsplash

Biography and Autobiography is not a genre which I find attractive typically. When I picked up the book When Breath Becomes Air,  by Paul Kalanithi, after it was recommended in a Facebook book group, I found myself initially disappointed to see that it was an autobiographical book. However, it was fairly short, and I decided to give it a try. Within a few pages, I was hooked. The writing was interesting and the tone was one of a calm friend, explaining his world to me. I wanted to know this person.

 

This is an affiliate link. 

What interested me first was his casual dedication to excellence. The importance of a top-notch ivy league education to his family and the lengths his mother went to in order to ensure he was properly educated to be a competitive applicant to the top schools was fascinating. Honestly, it was a whole new mindset for me. All my life has been focused on reminding myself it was not a race-life was about experiences-prestige doesn't equal meaning. Suddenly, this person is earnestly talking about the importance of striving, and it was just--fascinating. My working class worldview couldn't help but be shook up a little. I found myself wondering how the mindset of his family and his friends was so different from mine. Are they just naturally more intelligent and thus striving towards excellence in their field is the only way of life they can fathom? Is it snobbery and keeping up with the Joneses-a life filled with achievements for bragging rights? Is it to build up a strong financial future so they can spend more time later working on wants rather than needs. I don't know. I was completely intrigued. My whole life was built around consoling myself that it is okay not to get what I desire because that isn't where meaning was to found anyway. To have someone so easily speak of achieving major accomplishments as if they were base expectations for life was just incredible.

The book itself is a heartbreaker. You will feel the wide open expanse of time as Paul briefly describes his childhood and feel the time cave in as he discusses his struggle with lung cancer. Paul struggled towards finding meaning and throughout the book, I found myself slightly unsatisfied. I kept waiting for that aha moment of illumination, when understanding of the purpose of life would shine on me, but it never came. His discussion of his childhood religion, and his belief that mercy trumps justice, left me feeling a bit in the dark. Of course, mercy trumps justice. Isn't that Jesus' point? Mercy and grace-giving people more than they deserve- are hopes we all cling to desperately as we feel life slipping away. But...why? Am I a sociopath in that I don't feel tremendously guilty about things? I feel bad when I hurt someone's feelings, particularly if it was intentional, but I don't writhe in my bed at night worrying about coming hell fires or even karmic vengeance. We are all just babies learning. My mother converted to Catholicism the year before she died. I struggle to understand this conversion. What had she done that was so bad she felt the need for someone to tell her God's grace was waiting. God's grace is all around us. God's grace is within us. We don't need Father Joe to tell us this-but maybe some do. Maybe some need that external validation that God loves them and will be merciful in light of their failings. It's a mindset I just don't struggle with. I've spent my share-precious few- less than two hands-of nights on the floor wrestling with the darkness and God's seeming absence. I've known what it is like not to feel another human's tender touch (besides my kids) for years, and finally broke down, staring at the carpet fibers as waves of darkness crashed over me. I've cried out in silent tears to God about the loneliness and despair of a world in which I just couldn't see or feel God's presence at all. But then, the loving arms of sleep would pull me in,  and in the morning I would rise once more.

But perhaps I am lucky. Perhaps my brain chemistry is just so that optimism is bound to peek around the corner even in the midst of the darkest thoughts.

And I started to feel that dark futility after I finished the book. For a brief moment, no matter how interesting and entertaining the book was, I wondered where Paul was. I wondered where the people I have lost are now. Are they there? Do they exist? My mom is deep within my cells-I am made of her. But Caleb? I can't feel him in my cells. I can't feel him around me. Is it because he takes me and goes out somewhere else? Does he feel me within him? If anyone has disappeared and ceased, it is him. And the darkness of death fell over me for just a moment or two. What happens when we die? Not the stories of old books, not the desires our heads have created, but what really, really happens? Is there this whole other existence, elsewhere? Is that the fairy tale we have created to make the days happier? Does the truth even matter? And then I pulled the sunshine out again. I will choose that which makes my soul sing. 

And the book was good.

Reading Choose Love by Stormie Omartian and other books

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

I am down to the bottom of my book stack, although I have multiple ebooks awaiting me. I am currently reading Choose Love, by Stormie Omartian.
Note: This blog post contains affiliate links.

Choose Love

I feel like this book is for someone with little to no understanding of God, self, and their place in this world. It begins with helping the reader to see their value in God's eyes and the how loved we are by God. Then it goes through the whole conversion spiel, followed by what  it looks like to love God. Most importantly, it stresses the importance of reading scripture and tucking it away in our heart.

It's not a bad book. It just isn't quite what I am looking for at this time. It is an old story, and I dream of a new story. However, in no way is it a bad story. The book is fairly well written and I enjoyed the bits of bible text-though I was raised on King James Version and this new clear language doesn't feel very spiritual to me. What frustrated me is the gushing language. I am not a huge fan of gushing and her language was gushy. I feel like she would have held the book Redeeming Love close to her heart, tears in her eyes, and told her friends what a great book it was (it wasn't).

What I am struggling with

I realize I feel a bit antagonistic towards this book, especially since it wasn't the weakest book I have read in the past month by far. If you are looking for a traditional Christian book about living, this book will fit the bill. I think what is bothering me, is how she starts off the book with feeling unloved and feeling guilt. I just don't feel those very much anymore. Maybe in my 20s and early 30s, but for the most part, it is very clear I have been fortunate and loved. I can't relate to the need to be broken in order to become more with God. That doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been there. It means I am not there now. I want something deeper. This is a book for new Christian recruits, I felt.


So the funniest thing just happened. I was typing the previous paragraph, and the floor lamp beside me, flickered and went off for about 3-4 seconds, then came back on, as I was trying to decide what to do. Nope. Not creepy at all.

Signs

Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Except not. The book I read a few weeks ago  E cubed

suggested you could play with the Universe (aka, God) to get signs to let you know you are not alone. The Universe would be happy to oblige. The audiobook I was listening to, Signs,  suggested more of the same.

Except that it didn't work. So I have a few theories on why all these people are gushing over signs, and the boys woke me up at four a.m., so I might as well share. First, maybe it is just a big load of bull, and hopeful people are seeing what they want to see. Or maybe, the "signs" aren't really God or a loved one, but something more sinister (you can take girl out of church, but you can't take early church teaching out of the girl). Or on the same vein, maybe God is protecting me from seeing "signs", because it is unnecessary, perhaps sinister, and not how I should be using my time.

I don't know. All I know is I didn't get my signs. Well, lemons, but lemons are a thing lately, so not too meaningful.

I am rambling a lot. I got less than 4 hours of sleep and of course, it is the busiest day of my week coming up.

Late Night Doubts

If you know me well, you know I tend to be messy when tired. My emotions tremble and everything seems magnified. Heck, maybe we are all this way. Despite not overdoing the coffee today, I am here and awake at nearly midnight. Ugh.

And what I am feeling so intensely is embarrassment and shame. There are things I have discovered lately, which just leave me throwing my hands up in--not quite despair--perhaps, just resignation. You know all those times when you feel indignant as if the world is just not fair and everyone is selfish and mean and all this is done to you? I know I am not alone here. Well, that's all true. I mean, some of it. The world is unfair, people are selfish, people can be mean, and it seems as if  the world just wants to drag you down sometimes. But you know what else is true. So are you. You are unfair, you are selfish, and you are mean. And by you, I totally mean me. We are all just this big pile of emotions, tempering them through thoughts and our own biases and so damned sure that we are right. And we are. And we aren't. I am beginning to think the order of the universe is that there is no order. Just a pile of stumbling dumb baby souls toddling around trying to get the blue cup. Some of us have people skills, and we flash our dimples to get the cup we want. Some of us have  emotional control and show our logic to convince the one is charge we should get the cup. Some of us are just effortlessly powerful, and some of us have to fight or steal our way to the cup. But the desire is the same, we all just have a different set of skills in our toolbox. And damn, that's unfair.

I have been into new agey, affirmative, abundance-based faith lately, but I feel it slipping away in doubt.
I don't want it to slip away.
Will I return to more organized religion? Will I put my faith in science for awhile? I don't know. I am not ready to leave this room, but the doubts are creeping in, and hands are pulling me away. Maybe it is time for the shift.

Maybe, it is time to better synthesize all the beliefs-to come up with one whole belief which incorporates aspects of all my faiths. After all, God is the god of all.

For years people have told me I should write more. Put more out. So I built up my blog and suddenly. I have nothing to say. My content is shallow and bland and a growth group I am in asked me, "What is my point? What do I want out of this? How do I make this a successful marketing venture?"

And I just don't know. If my power is the ramble-how can I market that? Who wants to hear from the person who "shifts" from year to year? Who wants to hear from the person who can't get the blue cup?  And I guess then answer is to fake it. Fake getting the cup, fake the whole thing until enough people buy in and suddenly I wrap my hand around that next ring. But would I lose my soul in the process? I don't mean lose, like to the devil. I mean, just lose the essense of what makes me, me?

Do I have to choose between authenticity and success? Just because of the toolbox I was given?

So I feel these failures weighing on me, and I am not sure what to do with them. I have the option of just letting go. Just making the choice to let it all drop and just keep walking away, step by step. I can keep trying, keeping pushing and see what comes of it. I can try something else and distract myself with a new venture. There are some arenas I feel very, very stuck in, and some which I can easily let go. But man, easily is a dishonest word when ego is involved.

*It is morning now, and I remembered this book: Meaningful Work. One was placed in the mailbox of each of the teachers at my school a year or two ago. It is very much my kind of thing, so I read it quickly.



This is an affiliate link.

Remembering this helped me to realize I need to be making my decisions based on my priorities and my principles. Authenticity and honesty are very important to me. Faking it to get followers might work for someone else, but it is going to leave me hollow and lost. Of my endeavors I need to decide if they are aligned with my priorities. Giving up is never easy. There is a part of me that wants to dig her feet in and NEVER SAY Die. But if I am chasing something because of stubbornness, is that the dream I want. I never realized how emotionally invested one can become in something that isn't even an interest of theirs.
I am speaking of the online clothing business my daughter and I have. We will be coming up one year in July, and I am unsure I want to continue pouring money into it. But I didn't realize how hard it would be to stop. Theoretically we just stop. We run a clearance and what is left, donate. Seems easy.

 But man! This pull in my gut is like, "No, gal! You gotta make this work."
But it ISN'T my passion. It isn't my dream. But maybe that is because it isn't successful. If we were pulling in more money, I might feel differently. After all, I do enjoy it. I love looking through items and deciding what to put up. I love it when people order (even when we lose money, hahaha), and I love packaging things and getting them in the mail. I enjoy it and feel privileged.

So I wonder if that is a sign to keep it up, or maybe it is sign that I enjoy retail and should explore that further with perhaps a different focus.

Things to consider.

Have a lovely weekend,

Sophia

Wanna check out my shop? I am open to feedback!

Lil Lemon Drop