Perfect moments, not perfect planning

 

Photo by Benjamin Voros on Unsplash

Have you been playing the balancing game-trying to give everything and everyone just the right amount of time and attention? I have been thinking about time management lately, and while I  know some schedule out each day, week, month, to perfection-I know this isn't the route for me. 

Schedules vs. Routines

First of all as an INFP (what's that? here's 16personalities description), the word schedule itself makes me a little cranky. I like routines, mind you. A quiet morning coffee in hand, contemplating life and where I stand in it, are just perfect. Every day. Slipping into bed, the perfect amount of lighting in the room, book or ebook in hand, pillows fluffed just right, is perfect every single day. But all that stuff in between? Let's keep it loose. Let's NOT make plans. Let's let it unfold naturally. 

Let It Happen

I don't know how I will feel next Sunday afternoon. How can I possible feel anything but dread if you try to force me into some arbitrary activity outside of my home. That's not to say Aunt Kate's backyard barbeque followed by a trip to Walmart and drive to Branson won't be exactly what I need. But how can I know that now?

I realize I am difficult.

And I have been thinking that maybe for people like me, it is less about perfect balance and more about perfect moments. 

This week I will shower my kids with attention and activities, next week they will play with the neighbor kids and I'll catch up on laundry. Today we have an impromptu game night and whoever can make it makes it. Next week, I'll screen my calls and snuggle in bed with a book and a glass of Cabernet. Perfect moments happen. They can't be planned.

When I discovered my newly remembered love for fiction reading, it changed my focus away from my online shop. And I realized I was done with the shop. Reading has always been a greater passion to me than kids' clothes. Reading changes my soul in a way that trying to earn money cannot. So one was let go and one I continue to pursue.

A Surprising Need for Control

This doesn't mean I am easy-breezy. In fact, I often doubt my INFPness due to my need for control and pickiness. I am not okay with just any background noise (and honestly, silence is golden to me). I can't just let the radio play. I need the right song at the right time, or nothing at all.   In fact, I often think my lack of commitment to future plans has more to do with my need to control the atmosphere by attending to my current mood than any happy-go-lucky easygoingness. And I think people misunderstand that and either steamroll me or think I am being intentionally difficult. I am just being me.

Recap

So, if you are finding you are struggling with finding the right balance or the right schedule or the right PLAN-maybe you are like me. And maybe focusing on your comfort routines and maybe letting your need to attend to your current mood and feelings are what you need in the future (I ALSO easily think I could be an ISFP (description HERE)-despite my lack of artistic prowess-especially when I am healthier and not ruminating on things. I would be totally cool with that, too).

Currently:

Listening  Spotify:

ACOMAF | Feysand| A Court of Mist and Fury | Feyre and Rhysand

Rereading: 

Also reading:

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Drinking:

Reusable K-cup mix of Great Value french roast and Creme brule!

5 Things You Should Know About Life by 30

Photo by Jenna Anderson on Unsplash

Life is fantastic. It is an emotional roller coaster filled with ups and downs and sometimes it simply feels too hard. I was walking the halls of the building I am working in, and found myself envying the position and opportunities other people have. And that's when I had to take myself in hand and get tough. Envy might be useful for just a brief moment, but Envyland is no place to live.

Fighting Tooth and Nail

There are so many things I wish I had learned early in life. Some people appear to be born with an inner sweetness and fortitude which helps them navigate the wilderness of life and they appear on top early and stay on top. Others of us had a lifetime of the wrong kind of training forming our brain patterns in ways which seemed beneficial at first, but eventually led us deeper into the fog and away from civilized life (meaning acceptable norms and behavior). 

I am from the second camp. I have used tooth and nail to drag myself (along with the quiet helpful hands of those who have guided me tenderly and forgivingly) out of the self-imposed wilderness into, well, maybe the edge of the woods.  Yes, my mistakes have been totally humiliating, but no, they aren't who I am. I am so much more than just the bad. So I wanted to share some of the thoughts on life I have been having. To some of you, they may seem blindingly obvious. To others, the lesson is still buried in your subconscious waiting for the right time to flip the switch on to self-realization. 

5 Things You Should Know About Life by 30 (or earlier)

Note: You'll notice I have 30 instead of the 40 in the infographic. After reflecting on it, I realized I may have learned the lessons late, but learning them early is, naturally, preferable.

1. Forgiveness is key to happiness- This is one  idea that has been brought up time and time again, but being able to forgive people is essential for a happy life. Forgiveness doesn't mean letting someone hurt you over and over again. You need to do what you need to do to set and enforce your own boundaries for safety and peace of mind. But forgiveness means allowing someone to make their own mistakes without letting the choices they made blacken your heart forever. It is hard not to hold a grudge. Sometimes not holding a grudge can feel like weakness. It can feel like you are letting people walk all over you. But holding a grudge is like a cancer, encroaching upon your heart, eating away at the happy possibilities for the future. Bitterness can feel very right, but bitterness is the language of the ego and the ego is a child. The ego doesn't necessarily have your best interest at heart, even though it will present itself as doing so. Like a pleading child, the ego will tug at your emotions, begging to you avenge wrongdoings against you. But as long as you listen to ego, and struggle to hold anger and hate close, you will be hurt. Learn to forgive.

2. You can't always get what you want- I know it is shocking. It is even more so when others seem to have a golden lighted path leading the way into greatness with strong hands lifting them up along the way. Life doesn't seem fair. Meanwhile you find yourself striving and stumbling, and that which you want just seems to be out of reach. Like grudges, this can lead to a deep and dark bitterness. Learning to visualize the bitterness and anger being washed away has been very helpful to me. When I feel the burden building up on my shoulders I like to imagine golden rays of sunshine lighting my head with warmth as turquoise foaming waves crash gently against my shoulders. Lifting my burden, I am left with all that truly matters. These external desires will all dissipate eventually. The world itself will some day disappear. Learning to find peace and joy with what is inside, with what is real, is the key. 

3. You get to determine your worth- Noone else gets to decide your greatness. Not your parents, not your boss, not your lover. If you are happy with who you are and what you have accomplished, you are a success. Maybe your parents dreamed of you walking the halls in a white coat with a stethoscope wrapped around your neck. But your heart lights up at the smiling faces of your preschool students each day. You are a winner! Perhaps your boss doesn't think you are worthy of her inner circle- but your job gives you time to go home and paint spectacular paintings which thrill your soul. Winner. Maybe your lover wants you to earn more money and bring up their lifestyle, but peace is your ultimate goal. You get to make that choice. This doesn't mean you should be a jerk and not listen to input from others or continue to be valuable in the jobs and family roles that you are responsible for. It means not allowing someone outside of you to dictate how you feel about who you are and the value you bring to this world. That's up to you. 

4. Life is incredibly short- It's really a blink of an eye in the eternities of time. Balance wisdom with childlike curiosity. Save for retirement as early as you can. If you are in your 20's, start now! Don't put it off one more year. Take that income tax refund, or next raise and start investing it right away. There are a myriad of books available to help you get started. At the same time, have fun! Take that vacation. If you are like most people you will have to choose between experiences and things. I can't make that choice for you. My husband and I have chosen an older home with a lower price tag so we have more money for traveling and experiencing the world. If your heart lies in aesthetics, you might prefer living in a beautifully decorated home more than taking a vacation. Only you can decide what your values are. Do some soul searching-discover your values-what matters to you-and start making choices which honor those values. Don't wait. You can always start planning for your amazing life today.

5. Make the effort- If you want to connect with someone, make the first move. Send a text, call, stop by and visit. The worst that can happen? Well, I guess they could go on a radio show and share your heartfelt attempts in a mocking manner, but is that likely? And are they worth your time if they mock you? Take a deep breath and reach out. You might be the light of someone's day. Make the effort in all that you do. Relationship, work, play, rest. Don't be afraid of failure, hiding behind mediocrity, excusing your flaws away. Love yourself immensely and enough to keep striving towards the best version of yourself. Remember number 4. When you have decided your values, go full-force into attaining them. If you screw up, remember number 1. Forgive yourself. We are all learning. We are all perfect in our imperfections. Then stand back up and try again. I won't promise you will reach some arbitrary goal, but I will promise if  you don't try for what you want, regret will sink deep into your bones.  

At some point, life is painful for all us. But it can also be very rich, very rewarding, and very, very good.

"Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One"-Reading now

Photo by David Lezcano on Unsplash

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My most serious book this month (meaning I am going through it carefully, rather than skimming through for nuggets of help), is the book: You Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One, written by Raphaelle Giordano. I am listening to it on Audible, which means it is taking me awhile to get through it because I tend to forget about my audiobooks.

It is a self-help book, written in fictionalized form. Sort of a like a Sophie's World in self-help.

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Another book it reminds of is ... I can't remember. Basically it was a fictionalized book with a simple romance built in and a genie who told the woman how to lose weight in small steps.

In no way are you going to be fooled into thinking this book isn't what it is, a thinly disguised advice book. The character is a little too perfect-good career, 10 pounds overweight (clearly European because 10 pounds is just a barbecue away here, make it 30 pounds and I will believe). She only has one child, which makes her a little hard to relate to for me. I mean how can you complain about raising kids when you only have one?  Anyway, she meets this man who agrees to take her on as a client and give her advice to help her change her life. 

The book does what it is supposed to: helps you imagine the steps to making changes in your life. First you have to decide what you want to change, then you have to start taking baby steps towards those changes. I found myself initially disappointed, because the book came highly recommended from my online book group people, and it is pretty basic. However, I can recognize the genius in writing this way because it does help the lessons to stick a lot better than a dry step-by-step advice book. Fictionalizing it makes it memorable. 

And finally, I haven't finished the book yet. Maybe I am totally wrong, and there is a plot twist making it a true work of literature. But I doubt it.

Camille is sort of the Bella of the self-help world. She is basic and her feelings are pretty stereotypical meaning most women are going to be able to relate to her. We all have fights with our spouse and feel like everything falls on us. We all would rather have a snack and glass of wine than go for a walk in the evening. We all get bored with our kids and feel the pressure of getting stuff done rather than bonding with loved ones.

If I sound negative, it is only in my disappointment in thinking the book was something else. It is definitely useful in accomplishing its purpose: to teach people how to change their lives in a simple step-by-step way. I do recommend it if you are trying to shake up a dull existence and reach for something a little more. 

Late Night Doubts

If you know me well, you know I tend to be messy when tired. My emotions tremble and everything seems magnified. Heck, maybe we are all this way. Despite not overdoing the coffee today, I am here and awake at nearly midnight. Ugh.

And what I am feeling so intensely is embarrassment and shame. There are things I have discovered lately, which just leave me throwing my hands up in--not quite despair--perhaps, just resignation. You know all those times when you feel indignant as if the world is just not fair and everyone is selfish and mean and all this is done to you? I know I am not alone here. Well, that's all true. I mean, some of it. The world is unfair, people are selfish, people can be mean, and it seems as if  the world just wants to drag you down sometimes. But you know what else is true. So are you. You are unfair, you are selfish, and you are mean. And by you, I totally mean me. We are all just this big pile of emotions, tempering them through thoughts and our own biases and so damned sure that we are right. And we are. And we aren't. I am beginning to think the order of the universe is that there is no order. Just a pile of stumbling dumb baby souls toddling around trying to get the blue cup. Some of us have people skills, and we flash our dimples to get the cup we want. Some of us have  emotional control and show our logic to convince the one is charge we should get the cup. Some of us are just effortlessly powerful, and some of us have to fight or steal our way to the cup. But the desire is the same, we all just have a different set of skills in our toolbox. And damn, that's unfair.

I have been into new agey, affirmative, abundance-based faith lately, but I feel it slipping away in doubt.
I don't want it to slip away.
Will I return to more organized religion? Will I put my faith in science for awhile? I don't know. I am not ready to leave this room, but the doubts are creeping in, and hands are pulling me away. Maybe it is time for the shift.

Maybe, it is time to better synthesize all the beliefs-to come up with one whole belief which incorporates aspects of all my faiths. After all, God is the god of all.

For years people have told me I should write more. Put more out. So I built up my blog and suddenly. I have nothing to say. My content is shallow and bland and a growth group I am in asked me, "What is my point? What do I want out of this? How do I make this a successful marketing venture?"

And I just don't know. If my power is the ramble-how can I market that? Who wants to hear from the person who "shifts" from year to year? Who wants to hear from the person who can't get the blue cup?  And I guess then answer is to fake it. Fake getting the cup, fake the whole thing until enough people buy in and suddenly I wrap my hand around that next ring. But would I lose my soul in the process? I don't mean lose, like to the devil. I mean, just lose the essense of what makes me, me?

Do I have to choose between authenticity and success? Just because of the toolbox I was given?

So I feel these failures weighing on me, and I am not sure what to do with them. I have the option of just letting go. Just making the choice to let it all drop and just keep walking away, step by step. I can keep trying, keeping pushing and see what comes of it. I can try something else and distract myself with a new venture. There are some arenas I feel very, very stuck in, and some which I can easily let go. But man, easily is a dishonest word when ego is involved.

*It is morning now, and I remembered this book: Meaningful Work. One was placed in the mailbox of each of the teachers at my school a year or two ago. It is very much my kind of thing, so I read it quickly.



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Remembering this helped me to realize I need to be making my decisions based on my priorities and my principles. Authenticity and honesty are very important to me. Faking it to get followers might work for someone else, but it is going to leave me hollow and lost. Of my endeavors I need to decide if they are aligned with my priorities. Giving up is never easy. There is a part of me that wants to dig her feet in and NEVER SAY Die. But if I am chasing something because of stubbornness, is that the dream I want. I never realized how emotionally invested one can become in something that isn't even an interest of theirs.
I am speaking of the online clothing business my daughter and I have. We will be coming up one year in July, and I am unsure I want to continue pouring money into it. But I didn't realize how hard it would be to stop. Theoretically we just stop. We run a clearance and what is left, donate. Seems easy.

 But man! This pull in my gut is like, "No, gal! You gotta make this work."
But it ISN'T my passion. It isn't my dream. But maybe that is because it isn't successful. If we were pulling in more money, I might feel differently. After all, I do enjoy it. I love looking through items and deciding what to put up. I love it when people order (even when we lose money, hahaha), and I love packaging things and getting them in the mail. I enjoy it and feel privileged.

So I wonder if that is a sign to keep it up, or maybe it is sign that I enjoy retail and should explore that further with perhaps a different focus.

Things to consider.

Have a lovely weekend,

Sophia

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Lil Lemon Drop