The Quiet

 

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash

The world seems scary and dark right  now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.

    The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names). 

    The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment. 

    The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?

    And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us. 

    A sunny day.

    A bird song.

    A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)

    Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash. 

    We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?

    When will we stand and speak out?

    When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook. 

       If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere. 

    I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end. 

    I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating. 

    Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light. 

    Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.

It's Gonna Be a Snow Day!

Photo by Filip Bunkens on Unsplash

 I woke up around 4:30 which is fine because I went
to bed around 8:30. And I waiting to hear we were indeed going to have a snow day, and then I got up. It looks like we should get some significant snow for our area.

The job hunt. After my long drawn out post I suddenly realized-I don't have to job hunt. I can just do FACS. I was strongly considering asking for the position-I had even drafted an email- once I learned the current teacher wanted to change. So...it's all good. I do have two interview requests, but I am just going to decline them. I am tired. What I am looking for I am not going to find in another job. I need to work on classroom management and doing it in an untested subject is best for all involved. Middle school boys are tough. If it is awful then next year would be the year to try and shift. So. Whatever. It's not nearly as a big of a deal as I am have made it out to be. I just want to carefully craft something without an actual vision of what I want to craft. That's absurd. 

I really don't feel like changing jobs. I am tired. I would have taken the Kickapoo or Launch jobs, but that's pretty much it. Nothing else really feels worth starting over for at this point. 

Anyway I think we could get several inches of snow which is so exciting for the kids. I do miss the neighborhood boys all going out and playing together, but they are older and drifting apart. I didn't like them in my house anyway.

I will probably go out and uber a bit this morning. I still have the cold, but it isn't as bad today, and I need to get out of the house a little bit. Then I plan to put the laundry away which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Well, sweeping the  floor is pretty bad. I want one of those fancy Dyson's, but the cost is prohibitive.  Then anything else I do is bonus. ;)

Oh, if I am making this commitment, I want to also start planning my curriculum for next year. I love curriculum planning as long as its my way and not the boring way the district wants us to do it that makes my brain freeze up and makes me look like an idiot.  I am sure the current teacher has some stuff  I can use, too.

So...bring on the beautiful snow. I wish we could do Christmas again. This past holiday season was so disappointing. I need more people and more visits. I want games and fun.

Later!

February

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

No clever title in me today. I am not well. I am not really unwell, just not in my best health. I think I have a long and lingering bronchitis. It's unpleasant, but not the worst thing ever. The cough has been starting to die down. I could use a snow day or two to rest a little more, though. I just don't feel well. Nothing I can put my finger on, though. 

   The news is disturbing-I think the worst part is I want to believe the best and prepare for the worst. But I don't now what that looks like or how to prepare. I feel like we are sitting ducks waiting to see just how bad the powers that be are going to ram us. I am embarrassed of my country. I mean, there has always been a little bit of embarrassment in the two times I have traveled overseas, but now, I am ashamed. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it. It's too big. 

   I really just want to shop. I want to have a pretty house and meet friends for dinner and have a little too much wine and be brought home and just have a pleasant life with pretty things. I may be shallow. But I don't really care. I am a product of this world. 

    The boys are fighting. Alec wants a big room-sized fort and Gabe wants to play VR in that room and chaos is ensuing. I am too tired to walk down there. I hope it works out. Alec dropped the xbox this morning and we couldn't get it to work. I am not going to tell his brothers though. Alec is BAD about dropping things. He has broke at least two tvs trying to move them. 

    I couldn't even begin to care less about the superbowl. I have just lost all interest in sports whatsoever. Maybe it is because I am not feeling well. It's really only fun when people are coming over to enjoy them and noone has mentioned anything and I just don't have the energy to host anyway. People only ever come over when you offer them food. I guess that is why my mom always invited me for dinner. Noone just comes over to see each other. 

   I want to pack up in my car and drive to Canada and start a new life, but I doubt they are going to be chill about that. :o) I would sell everything just to start over somewhere else. I am over it. But it maybe like teachers in education-a few years ago, I noticed all the teachers were scrambling around like rats on a sinking ship, searching for a safer spot. Maybe moving around the world would be the same. Maybe the whole damn ship is sinking. 

    Today I am weak. Today I want a partner. I want help with the kids and help with the house and help with the bills. But alas, I think I might be ugly. All my life people just haven't been into me. Even when I was young. I don't THINK I was uglier than most people, but other people get asked out and I rarely did-at least not by anyone I really wanted. Plus I would always latch on so quickly. I am starting to understand all that a bit more-the insight has been a little depressing-but now I feel like I can't latch on to anyone. But again, noone notices me. Maybe I am too quiet. People always think I am conservative anyway. I always attract the wrong guys. Or gross guys, or uneducated. or poor. I am not brilliant by any stretch of the imagination, but both my husbands have had IQs above average (Brian was about 122 and Karl was about 133, if you are curious). I just can't with the average.  No, I don't think romance is my destiny. It's a shame, though. I always craved it. 

Anyway, I am sleepy, and going to close my eyes for a bit. I can't miss any more work.

Noone wanted to hire me. I am too tired to care anyway. Self-esteem is not booming at the moment.:)