Change is inevitable. As soon as everything has a place and the weather is fair, it seems as if we are blown off course. Sometimes this is of our own doing, but often it is imposed on us from without. Maintaining grace and dignity during times of unwanted change can be difficult. There is that book, Who Moved My Cheese?, which highlights how one might approach unwanted change. You can rant and rail or you can accept.
We all have different tolerance levels for change. Some people want things to remain the same, whereas others enjoy self-initiated change. Then there are those individuals who believe they have a vision and want to make change happen. I am a mix of the first two. I don't need to really be a mover and shaker. I don't enjoy making decisions, or telling others what to do (and thus forcing change upon them), but I am not too fond of having to live out others' idea of the way things should be. I just want to do my thing.
The hardest thing about my current job is the change from year to year. Although it has remained fairly stable (once I got out of most of those coteaching classes by being the WORST coteacher ever - in all fairness, I had no idea how to coteach and assumed the teacher didn't want me there any more than I wanted to be there. I realize now, I missed out on the opportunity for some good companionship), there is always the chance that someone else will talk their way into my classes or I will get stuck in a random coteaching class with someone I am not interested in getting to know. It stresses me out EVERY SINGLE spring, wondering what the next year will look like, because I really care about how my day shapes up. Whereas I played with the idea of being someone who can make that choice, it was really just play. There are just so many details I don't care about, don't want to care about, and thoughts I would rather allocate my brain cells to than caring about things I really don't think make a difference. We all want our lives to matter, and I would hate pretending to care just for prestige and more control of my day. I want my life to matter, and chasing someone else's dream is not the key to that (I do tend to get very excited about other people's dreams and try them on for awhile).
So I have a new job coming up next year. I would like to say that this was a conscious choice, but it has really been about running away from discomfort of the forced changes. I would rather CHOOSE to change than have it forced upon me. This is just the first year I have been hired. And part of me is like, what are you doing girl? You like what you do. I like my classes, I enjoy the shallow work acquaintances and Howdy Hos! in the hall. I like starting early and my day ending soon. I like the respect one gets a teacher at a high school as compared to lower levels. But...the way everything fell into place-the feeling in my gut that this job was mine- this is a sign, I believe. Oh the strong, resolute thinkers will say there are no signs. You just go out and get what you want. But...they are wrong, naturally. When things fall into place with little effort, pushing and planning-that is a sign.
But I am scared. I am not sure what I am going into. I am not sure what my day will look like. I am not sure how much time I will be coteaching, as I didn't even think to ask. I don't know who my co-teachers will be or how the administration will behave. I am searching for buddies and after-work friends, and going into a smaller a pool-a pool where many young teachers start as they wait for that high school job) may not be the key to finding friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment