Developing Vision-Why is it so hard?

 

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

As I work towards my yearly goal word: Vision, I find myself stuck in a world of ...sit and imagine-go blank and want to move on to something else. 

Whatever area of my life I try to apply it to, I find myself trapped in a little box. I try to imagine my career: box. I try to imagine my home: box. Romance: box.

I think there are several factors at play here. First, a lifetime of criticism both from the outside and mostly from the inside come into play. I don't want to dream bigger than I can deliver. My inner critic comes bursting out like Neil Kellerman in this frustrating scene from Dirty Dancing:

 (pretend there is a block indent here, I can't figure it out on here)

"The scene I'm talking about comes where Johnny is 'tutoring' his blossoming love interest, 'Baby', in the dance studio, when up rocks slimeball grandson-of-the-boss, Neil Kellerman:

        Neil Kellerman: "My grandfather put me in charge of the final show. I want to talk

         to you about the last dance. I'd like to shake things up a bit. You know, move with 

        the times."

        Johnny Castle: [enthusiastically] "I've got a lot of ideas. I've been working with

         the staff kids on a cross between a Cuban rhythm and soul dancing."

        Neil Kellerman: [slimeball-ey] "Whoa, boy. Way over your head here. You always

         do 'the Mambo'. Why not dance this year's final dance to...[pause for tension]...'the 

        Pachanga'?”

        Johnny Castle: [Flatly] "Right."

        Neil Kellerman: "Well, you're free to do the same, tired number as last year if you 

        want, but next year we'll find another dance person who'll be only too happy..."

        Johnny Castle: [defeatedly] "Sure, Neil. No problem. We'll end the season with the 

        Pachanga. Great idea."

        Neil Kellerman: [to Baby] "Sometimes he's hard to talk to, but the ladies seem to 

        like him. See that he gives you the full half-hour you're paying him for, kid.""

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/pachanga-si-ellis

Anyway, long quote aside, whenever I start to dream, this inner voice of reason and reality starts
 to shut it down, pronto! I try to imagine a different workplace, or people actually being interested
in what I write, and critic says, "Nope, too old!" I try to imagine living somewhere else, and
before I can even visualize, Critic pops up (pasting that quote above, has completely messed up
the formatting on this-I don't have the patience to fix it),and says, "Really? You are really going
 to move your children away from everyone they know because you have some romanticized dream
 of living elsewhere? I try to imagine a partner to do things with, a warm-tickle-in-the tummy romantic partner, and critic screams, "Have you SEEN yourself?" And then I think of this vacation, theater-going partner,
sitting on my couch, using my remote to watch some dumb, non-romantic show, or trying to
impress me with their thoughts, when I just want to get lost in my own head, USING MY
 BATHROOM, and I think, nope, no room for that!
So, here I sit. Then I think what is this push for visualization? Why is the media feeding us these
new-agey, imagine a different world, ideas? Do I really need to change things up? Do I need to be
 the person who always looks for change? What if maintaining the status quo is just fine? What
if it is actually my GIFT? What if I am just chasing something because I  feel like I am
 supposed to? What if I am just perseverating on some MBTI need to prove I am an N, not an S, 
crazy idea (because we know it is scientifically debunked-but the ideas are enmeshed in my brain)
 What if contentment is the true secret to life? What if I ask too many rhetorical questions?

So anyway...I am still struggling with this. I don't know if I can't imagine a different life because I am tired
or because I am unimaginative or because I am already living my best life (really?). Or maybe I am just 
in a place where I don't have room for great change. I work hours of overtime every night (which I am SO
SO grateful for). How can I fit more into that? 
I think what I am really, searching for is last year's desire for connection. I want a social life and friends,
I WANT a romantic partner, but the reality of two failed marriages has me doubting my ability to 
pick a good one (settling-I always settle...but don't average people HAVE to settle?). As romantic as I am,
I cannot fall in love. It's a yearning for something, I will likely never have. My dreams of writing words
which are quoted and loved and make people's lives more meaningful, do not mean I actually have the skill
or talent or drive or predestiny to do so. Maybe this is it. 
Maybe I don't have the face and body and personality to run in interesting social circles. Maybe I am too
flawed to find love. Maybe I am just meant to teach and raise my kids. All I ever wanted was to stay home, 
have babies, and write books. The having babies part is the only "easy" part there. Staying home requires
someone willing to take care of you. Writing books requires skill and actually having something to say. 
Ugh. What if I am not meant to be a writer. What if I am just overly-influenced by books I read as a child
about girls dreaming of being writers which WERE WRITTEN BY WRITERS. Of course, I would suck
it up and make that my personality. That's WHO I am. I get pulled into other people's dreams (temporarily) 
and want to make them my own. Rory Gilmore, jounalist wannabe? Meet Jill, also journalist wannabe.
Anne of Green Gables, writer wannabe. Meet Jill. Every book I read, every movie I get sucked into, is 
just another excuse to try someone else on. What if I actually have no identity? What if I have no personality?
What if I am just an animal shell and there is no bigger purpose regardless of what I want to think and 
believe.

Anyway, I have more work to do.