And so the evening continues

He said from now on we should put all money in my account (He was still mad about my Walgreen's purchase). I knew he was trying to start a fight about money, and yet when he started questioning how I spent my summer school money I got sucked in. Some of it I DID spend poorly. I advertise a few hundred dollars for the shop (I am giving up on that). I bought some clothes. We bought a lot of just "stuff for the family." You know the stuff that life requires. And I let myself stoop and said we wouldn't be taking any more vacations (we really couldn't afford the Colorado trip this year), with him. It was mean. I admit it. I regret it. And he freaked out. He yelled in my face, spit hitting me. He threw two baskets of clothes. He threw the shoe basket. He kicked the metal trashcan upstairs knocking it down the hall with a big dent. He hit and broke the boys' closet door off. And I sit here so confused. First, did he forget his meds last night? And second, how much of this is on me. I was mad. I said something unkind. Am I responsible for this? It has all gotten so convoluted and confusing. And the girls act like I am so mean to him, but they don't see this. They don't see how love shatters when you can't have an argument without fear. Of course, I am a nervous laugher. And I stand there laughing, wondering at what point those hands will turn on me. Maybe never. But as the spit hits my face, my body can't help but wonder. And he will want to make love to me. It is killing my heart, and he will want me to show him love by being THAT close. I am living in this weird world and eventually it will be better and my confusion will be forgotten for awhile. And I have no one I can talk to.