Quiet, unassuming, metallic: The taste of failure

Photo by Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

My body wants to fall into itself, curled on the floor, just resting. All the pressure of weight is falling on my spine and my eyes feel dry, yet teary and heavy. My hair is heavy in its boring daily ponytail.

I am going to close my online retail shop.
When I started I wanted to support my daughter, but being an all or nothing person, it wasn't long until I was all in. I put money in over the past year. I endured the humiliation of peddling to facebook friends, the anger of my husband over the money spent, and the entangling of my dreams with the outcome of the shop.

At first, I wanted a bit of money. Then I wanted enough money to quit my job. Oh, I would be classy about it. I would use my extra money to help support the school with air of benevolent superiority. I would open a brick and mortar store, and spend days decorating a shop and selling and budgeting and planning. I would eventually make enough to get "real" and hire buyers and creative people and plan my own line. I'd have China calling me. But alas, the realities of a flooded market, lack of investment capital, and just trying to figure out how things work have prevailed.

I will take my dull-tipped pencil and lightly add this to my list of failures.
My big failures...getting married when I didn't want to at age 19. My inability to choose a major until I ran out of choices. My fear of science, even though it is what I wanted to do. Too many hours reading on my bed which should have been spent building a community for my children. Shyness. Extreme introversion. My inability to get a regular education job. My inability to get any other teaching job. It doesn't matter if I would be happier or not. What matters is facing the challenge and winning. And I am not. And now, so much money later-so much money I could have had a kickass wardrobe-or a trip for two to Europe-I could have SEEN those Swiss Alps, and I have to just stop.

There is a current order out. An order which I will lose about $3 on once I ship it. My business requires orders of about 4 items to profit (or 4 items combined from different customers).  If my discount sales of desperation would have drawn people in, I could have made something, but they never did.

I am unsure how to view myself at this point. I mean, it's a totally flooded market, and I knew that going in. But when I see other people who are successful, I just want to be petty. But that's silly. If one believes in destiny, then one has to learn to breathe and let go.

But the joy I found in hours and hours of choosing and planning and hoping are going to be big empty spaces in my day.

But truly any feeling is a little delicious, isn't it? Just something to experience and ponder.

And happiness...Happiness is a steaming cup of strong coffee in a darkened room at 5:08 a.m. Happiness is a deep bath with a candle burning and something interesting to read. Happiness is the dimple in Alec's right cheek, a clever thought of Liam's, a spiritual lesson from Gabe. So I'll drink that coffee and wash down the taste of failure. I will run that bath and let the tears fall as they will. I'll drink in the spunky, snotty, sweet souls, wild and untamed as my children tend to be, and just wait for the next idea. It will come. And I will jump.