It's morning again, and I slept until after 6:30. That is rare for me. I even had a sweet dream, which made me feel young and hopeful when I awoke, and the first thing the little boys wanted me to do was read to them in my bed. Sadly it was a really weak book, "The Berenstain Bears and the Real Easter Eggs," which the boys like, but I really don't. Some Berenstain Books are great and have good ideas, but this one just feels weak.
I found a new morning coffee. We had been drinking the Great Value French Roast K-cups. Now, I am not going to say these are the best things around, however, I liked them because they were bold and strong and cheap! However, my husband has been refusing to go to Wal-mart, because he says their parking lot loudspeaker announcements are like a dystopian nightmare. I think they are weird, too, but I will go to Walmart if needed. However, somewhere along the way, I ended up trying a different brand. Now, I like that Highland Grog I told you about in a previous post. Mmm! But I wanted something unflavored for every day use, and since I am blessedly home every day (loving it!) with this whole pandemic fiasco, I wanted something just regular. And I found this:
This is an affiliate link.
I don't know why I grabbed the Post Alley, but I did and I enjoy it. It is rich and very smooth on the tongue. Now, I am not a coffee aficionado, or would that be connoisseur? who can talk all day about the difference in coffee beans and roasts, but I know I like this. I would like to try some of their other coffee, too. I usually mix my "good" coffee with a cheaper store brand or Folgers to enrich the less expensive coffees and to stretch the better stuff. I have to say, today I grabbed my cup when it was still brewing and it is strong and bitter. I also had fresh pineapple, so maybe I am just reacting to the contrast between sweet and bitter.
Listen, this last month and a half has been one of the best in years. Once I went through the initial adjustments I have found I am sleeping better, have very little anxiety, and am more active whether walking or stair climbing. Now I have gained a few pounds, as unfortunately a walk around the neighborhood doesn't erase the calories of too many home-baked goods, but overall it is nice. However, there are downsides to living this way long term. First of all, financially, noone is going to pay me to stay home for years. And poverty is yucky. This is just a lucky break (assuming we don't get sick). Two, a woman needs a means to support herself and her kids in case of troubles. Three, this goes along with two, but retirement is a thing, and who wants be working well into their seventies and beyond? Not me!
So, I am just going to enjoy it for what it is. Ultimately, I like our lifestyle and don't want to cut back. Now when the Universe is ready to bless me with that winning lottery ticket-or when my store takes off and starts pulling in real cash, I will be happy to move on to something new! I feel as if I have plateaued at my current job, and that is sort of pathetic to me. Can you imagine how nice it would be to just focus on my online shop? Or expand into a real little shop? I want my own store. How do I do that? It doesn't even have to be clothing, just a little place that is mine with interesting things and a warm, homey vibe. I'd have a little office in the back to run my numbers and a coffee pot and people would come see me, and I could focus on those superficial greetings which don't make me anxious about saying the wrong thing or pissing anyone off, because who can mess up a greeting? I need a mentor.
I also need to stop with the superficial greetings and holding people an arms' length away. I am going to start drawing them in. I don't mean to hold them away, but my cautious language does that. For example, a coworker has found a new job. Everyone was saying how they would miss her, and my words were, "I am sure you will be missed." Now what I was saying is, "I will miss you." But my natural inclination was to remove myself ( and thus protect myself) and make a general statement. I have to stop doing that.
I have finished my stack of library books more or less. I need to get them together and drop them off and start reserving more. There are a few I didn't read, but they just didn't pull me along they way a book should. They were all nonfiction. I am a nonfiction junkie. That is so the opposite of who I was in my younger years. It's just so hard to find a fiction book which really draws me in. I want to be head over heels wrapped up in the story and can't put it down if it is fiction.
I have started this book:
But I am not in love with it yet. We'll see. I probably just need to keep on. There's nothing magical or romantic about it to get me hooked. But it was well-recommended.
I will be happy when my 10-year-develops a bit of modesty and doesn't walk through the house naked. Just saying.
So I am just rambling. I find myself torn over what to do with this blog. If I wait until I am inspired to write, I will write little. If I write regularly, but it runs of the risk of being dull and boring. Also I am struggling with people pleasing. I am always, always thinking of spiritual things, but I am sort of eclectic in my thinking. If I try to please the Christians, I leave off a large part of my thinking. If I am open and free with what I am thinking, I'll have some thinking I am a total flake as well as sinfully wrong.
So as far and when to write-I will just have to go with the flow. As far as spiritual things, I need to be strong enough to be me. If people laugh, they laugh. If they feel the need to pray for my lost soul, well, it can't hurt.
Much easier to say, "Be yourself," than to actually stand up and be you, though, isn't it?
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