Urg. At the end of last week, I was met with an angry acquaintance and realize a carelessly thoughtless act on my part had hurt their feelings. I quickly attempted to make amends, however, they were not ready.
And then I sat there kicking myself. How could I have screwed this up? I thought I was becoming a better person. Why do I always make such stupid mistakes and end up feeling on the outside, when I want to just be friendly and make friends. Why is my logic so weird, and why do I have such blind spots?
I have been fretting about this for two days now, and finally have come to the realization that I have to practice self-forgiveness more. I can apologize, and other people may or may not forgive me. That is out of my hands. But I cannot let a mistake on my part ruin my life. A little self-flagellation for a few hours perhaps might be in order, but not a weekend, week, or month worth of pain. We all screw up. We all have to practice forgiveness as well as ask for it.
I found a lovely little article, Learn to Forgive Yourself Even When You Have Hurt Someone Else, by Michael Davidson, and eagerly read, searching for some absolution.
I wish I could say I feel a sense of relief and can wash my hands of the matter. Unfortunately, my desire to please and belong and be thought of "as a good person" are too strong for me to easily let myself off the hook emotionally. But intellectually, I know I am okay. I am good and I have a light, and it will not be snuffed out by the winds of error.
And as a wise G.I. Joe once said, "Knowing is half the battle."
I have needed self forgiveness and the first step is an intellectual one. It is realizing if you don't forgive yourself no one else will.
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