Earlier this week, I began reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
This an affilitate link to help cover cost of maintaining this blog.I think I have already read this before, maybe years ago, but honestly, it seemed a little beyond what I was looking for at the time. Now, though, perhaps after years of reading about principles versus values on my Myers-Briggs assessments, I wanted to understand what principles actually mean. This morning, I was so intrigued the first thing I googled was principles.
This is when I came to an article by Keith Norris on the Mission. org website, The Difference Between Principles and Values. In this article, Norris quotes Covey's book stating that principles are permanent, unchanging, and universal," where as "values are internal and subjective, and they may change over time."
This made some sense, but still left my foggy-morning head a little confused. Honestly and integrity make sense, however, does that mean the old, telling your friend she looks nice if she doesn't because she can't change it anyway, is a value? Because you are placing the feelings of your friend ahead of the underlying principle of honesty?
I was still confused. I decided to look for more examples. Philosophy Now had a great article Why You Shouldn't be a Person of Principle, which highlighted how using principle would work in one's life, as well as the downfalls to blindly following principle in every example. This made more sense.
Being a person of principle is an important goal to strive for, however, it is important to temper that goal with common sense and caring. Principles may fail sometimes and that is when true character shows-those cases where logic and emotion come into play simultaneously.
I thought about my own life and how honesty has always been a principle I have held to, and then suddenly, when contemplating my photographer conundrum it hit me. Blind principle is naive and foolish. Now I have saved myself a lot of trouble, by 'fessing up and getting to the point and getting the worst over with. But I was thinking about the impact on ME rather than the impact my truthfulness was having on other people.
What's my photographer conundrum? Last January I had a photography session planned for Alec, who is growing up without many professional photos because, time and energy, you know? The morning of the shoot, the photographer messaged me and asked if we were still on. Now it had snowed that night, not a whole lot, but enough that I wanted to spend my Saturday cozy inside. I am not afraid of driving in snow, mind you, I just love not having obligations on the weekend and the idea of staying home to relax was intoxicating. Also, the photographer had mentioned something about her son having a game, and I wondered if she was wishing she had the day off so she could focus on her kids. So I did the absolute wrong thing. I told the truth. Not a version of the truth, but the bald-faced truth. I would rather just stay home. Yes, I am cringing. Cringing. Arg.
Her response? I appreciate your honesty, and I will message you so we can make another appointment. I admit, I was a little surprised when she never messaged me. I realize now, I was rude, canceling last minute, she did not appreciate my honesty, and I should have sucked it up and went, or lied and said someone was sick. And now that makes perfect sense. She might have turned down another family for that spot. She might have been planning on that $100 to help with a bill that weekend. I was a flake, and if I was going to flake I should have lied. So now, Alec is two and a half, hasn't had photos since he was an infant (except for Santa photos-and she was my Santa photographer!). Ikes.
While I was patting myself on my back for being prinicipled enough to be honest, a stronger value system would have respected her time and at the very, very least, told a white lie, although just bucking up and going would have been best. I get it now.
And I need a good, affordable photographer. She was good.
Sometimes I wonder why I didn't learn these lessons earlier in life. It seems like everyone always lies, and I always thought I was the better person. Now in middle age, I find everything turned topsy-turvy, because clearly, there are times not to tell the truth. When someone says, "Sorry I couldn't make it to ... insert activity..., " I smile and say it is okay. I can't tell them I cried for twenty minutes, because I needed them there. First of all, that is crazy-weak. Second of all, it is just against the rules, it seems. I do know that. I CAN lie to protect my tender heart and ego.
But then I think, again I am wrong, maybe that is time when honesty is important. Maybe that person needed to hear I was disappointed they let me down.
And so I find myself in a loop trying to be the best person I can be, and maybe what I need to do is focus less on honesty as a principle and focus more on integrity and reliability. Had I done that, the photographer conundrum wouldn't exist, because I would have been keeping my word, rather than relying on my feelings at the time, and Alec would have some current photographs.
As I look back on this, I find I don't want to share. I am ashamed I learned this lesson so late. I feel weird that social lies went over my head for so very long. I feel a wedge of weirdness placed between the reader and me. I am so embarrassed by my own naive stupidity, and I realize now, selfishness. At the same time, I feel excited, because once the lesson is learned, one CAN grow and change.
I know now it is my principles and focus that needs adjusting. I need to focus on the right principles and at the same move my focus away from myself and onto others when I plan a response. That doesn't mean I become a pathological liar (although I feel a bit of heady power at the thought that one can twist and subvert-I AM NOT A SLYTHERIN, though, and I will not give in!), but it means my toolset becomes more complex and is able to help me accomplish more and navigate better.
McNabb, Ramsey. “Why You Shouldn't Be A Person Of Principle.” Philosophy Now: a Magazine of Ideas, 2007, philosophynow.org/issues/60/Why_You_Shouldnt_Be_A_Person_Of_Principle.
Norris, Keith. “The Difference Between Principles and Values - The Mission.” Medium, The Mission, 15 Mar. 2017, medium.com/the-mission/the-difference-between-principles-and-values-789b95452422.
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