"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our wholeheartedness-actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls."
~Brene Brown, Rising Strong
This is an affiliate link, which if upon following, you purchase, can lead compensation which helps me cover expenses for this blog.
Oh, guys, I am feeling it. I wasn't going to talk about it, because I am superstitious, but I crave writing and sharing today. Yesterday I had an interview for two open positions at the middle school I went to, and for once I was letting myself fly high. The incoming principal said a decision would be made by Wednesday, and although I wouldn't say I aced the interview, there were clumsy moments, I felt confident that I had done an okay job and they liked me well enough.
And then. The phone call. I had taken the boys with me, late (well, after 7:30 p.m.) to pick up groceries and drop off some library books which were due. And a little after eight p.m. a call came in. Gabe was playing Pokemon Go and reached forward and gave me the phone. I didn't recognize the number, but it was clearly local, so I went ahead and took it. And it was the incoming principal. She had noticed that I had also applied for a behavioral tech position (because apparently it pays as well as teaching now), and was I just wanting a change?
My head was spinning. Yes. I do want a change. My current school is filled with dedicated teachers who truly love the school and the students, and yet, after five years, it is not my home. I want a change. I have hope for more. I am not advancing, and I am not the sit back and be content type. I want to grow and expand. But what was the right answer?
If I said yes to being considered for behavioral tech, that would likely automatically take me out of running for the regular ed jobs. There are simply more people willing to teach regular ed. But if I said no, that could leave me with nothing, especially if she was less than enthusiastic about my applying for multiple jobs.
In the end I was honest. I do want a change, but I really want to get away from special education. It doesn't seem like I am going to rise in that arena, and I just can't see myself doing what I am doing for 15 more years. I want a greater challenge. I want to be seen. I want to work with more students.
So I stumbled home and my husband and I tried to dissect why she had called. We can only come up with the idea that there were fewer applicants for the behavioral tech job and she wanted clarification.
We tucked the kids in and I knew it would have to be a Benadryl night, and I slept until five when I woke up, mind racing, anxiety churning, failure looming.
Ironically, I just happen to be reading Rising Strong, which dives into the messy middle, the day two, after the fall, before we put everything together again and find resolution (there is also a messy middle after an excited beginning, as anyone who has ever led students through a project can attest to).
And this is the day I need my faith the most. Faith that God has a plan for me, and it's going to be good, and fingers crossed, closer to what I want.
And I think this where the whole concept of courage and vulnerability comes in. It is hard to get dressed up, and show up, and try to sell yourself to a stranger knowing the majority of people will be unsuccessful. It is scary knowing if you go after what you really want, you may fall right down and skin your nose, and the those butterflies of excitement in your tummy may turn to sick anxiety. But by God, what else can you do? There is no other way to get to what you want than to try.
Is it better to sit back and assume you are right where God wants you and never try? Some people seem to think so. Is looking for another job a sign that I am never happy? I don't think so. I don't think it is. I think we have longings and desires for a reason and that reason is to fulfill our purpose here on Earth. To not follow those longings (the pure ones) and not listen to our inner voice is to let ourselves die a little inside. To say we should be completely content with what we are given is to suggest that noone improve or rise up or seek change. That doesn't even make sense. I am not a Hufflepuff! And if I really am, lie to me!
And this is me, owning my story. I am scared of the hurt. I don't control the outcome. All I know is this: I have to keep trying.
To those of us standing up and putting ourselves out there I say, "Keep fighting!"
~Brene Brown, Rising Strong
This is an affiliate link, which if upon following, you purchase, can lead compensation which helps me cover expenses for this blog.
Oh, guys, I am feeling it. I wasn't going to talk about it, because I am superstitious, but I crave writing and sharing today. Yesterday I had an interview for two open positions at the middle school I went to, and for once I was letting myself fly high. The incoming principal said a decision would be made by Wednesday, and although I wouldn't say I aced the interview, there were clumsy moments, I felt confident that I had done an okay job and they liked me well enough.
And then. The phone call. I had taken the boys with me, late (well, after 7:30 p.m.) to pick up groceries and drop off some library books which were due. And a little after eight p.m. a call came in. Gabe was playing Pokemon Go and reached forward and gave me the phone. I didn't recognize the number, but it was clearly local, so I went ahead and took it. And it was the incoming principal. She had noticed that I had also applied for a behavioral tech position (because apparently it pays as well as teaching now), and was I just wanting a change?
My head was spinning. Yes. I do want a change. My current school is filled with dedicated teachers who truly love the school and the students, and yet, after five years, it is not my home. I want a change. I have hope for more. I am not advancing, and I am not the sit back and be content type. I want to grow and expand. But what was the right answer?
If I said yes to being considered for behavioral tech, that would likely automatically take me out of running for the regular ed jobs. There are simply more people willing to teach regular ed. But if I said no, that could leave me with nothing, especially if she was less than enthusiastic about my applying for multiple jobs.
In the end I was honest. I do want a change, but I really want to get away from special education. It doesn't seem like I am going to rise in that arena, and I just can't see myself doing what I am doing for 15 more years. I want a greater challenge. I want to be seen. I want to work with more students.
So I stumbled home and my husband and I tried to dissect why she had called. We can only come up with the idea that there were fewer applicants for the behavioral tech job and she wanted clarification.
We tucked the kids in and I knew it would have to be a Benadryl night, and I slept until five when I woke up, mind racing, anxiety churning, failure looming.
Ironically, I just happen to be reading Rising Strong, which dives into the messy middle, the day two, after the fall, before we put everything together again and find resolution (there is also a messy middle after an excited beginning, as anyone who has ever led students through a project can attest to).
And this is the day I need my faith the most. Faith that God has a plan for me, and it's going to be good, and fingers crossed, closer to what I want.
And I think this where the whole concept of courage and vulnerability comes in. It is hard to get dressed up, and show up, and try to sell yourself to a stranger knowing the majority of people will be unsuccessful. It is scary knowing if you go after what you really want, you may fall right down and skin your nose, and the those butterflies of excitement in your tummy may turn to sick anxiety. But by God, what else can you do? There is no other way to get to what you want than to try.
Is it better to sit back and assume you are right where God wants you and never try? Some people seem to think so. Is looking for another job a sign that I am never happy? I don't think so. I don't think it is. I think we have longings and desires for a reason and that reason is to fulfill our purpose here on Earth. To not follow those longings (the pure ones) and not listen to our inner voice is to let ourselves die a little inside. To say we should be completely content with what we are given is to suggest that noone improve or rise up or seek change. That doesn't even make sense. I am not a Hufflepuff! And if I really am, lie to me!
And this is me, owning my story. I am scared of the hurt. I don't control the outcome. All I know is this: I have to keep trying.
To those of us standing up and putting ourselves out there I say, "Keep fighting!"
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