A Second and Happier Post

 

                                    Photo by Luke McKeown on Unsplash

It was spring of 1993. My husband and I drove to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire. The weather was warmly cool and ocean breezy. I walked out on an outcropping of rocks stretching into the sea. I was wearing a new outfit. To my 19-year-old self it felt so perfectly Atlantic oceany. White denim shorts-not too short, a v-neck thick white cardigan, and a raw silk tank in a perfect deep sea foam. My shoes were white keds-with the little blue tag on the back-my first pair of shoes with branding on them (well, I think I might have had a pair of Nikes in 5th grade). 

The waves crashed up and ocean spray rained upon me. It was perfect. 

A couple months later my mom would visit with my brother, stepfather, and stepsister, and we would taste the fresh fried scallops from the vendor. Deliciously hot. 

There was a rumor that people who drove alone on Pali Highway in Oahu might look in the rear view mirror and find they were not actually alone. I always found the night breezes through the palm trees rather eerie. I don't think I ever drove Pali Highway Eastward alone. Driving home from my Trigonometry course at Leeward Community College at night had its own moments of eerieness, however. I only went to college one semester in Hawaii, but it was a successful venture. My composition instructor asked to use my research paper as her example for the next semester, my world religions web page turned out good (thanks to my husband's coding-though we couldn't get the java to work right), and Trigonometry kept me busy many an afternoon, sitting on the swing working and erasing, working and erasing while the kids played nearby. 

But nights  in the dark had a quality. When Brian worked swings and mids our first year there, going to sleep, even on base was so scary. I guess part of it was my young age and belief in supernatural things. The young are so believing. I grew accustomed to it. The wild loneliness-not wild like the mountains, but different. The isolation was real, but different. Even near the airport (we lived on an airbase next to the Honolulu airport), you could feel the vastness of the ocean all around. We were just a dot in the great large dark water. 

When I would get Tierney and Caleb to sleep and Brian was there, I would slip out for a walk around the "big block." The moon was brighter and whiter there. The stars were lovely. The scent of plumeria was intoxicating. I would hurry home, sneaking up on Brian, who had a tendency to chat it up with other women online. Looking back he was so wrong, but I also could have loved more. I always had my guard up. But we could talk until the the small hours of the morning, which is something I could never do with anyone else. I do miss that. 

When Tierney, Caleb, and Taryn were young in Missouri, and they spent several weeks with their dad in the summer, I fancied myself a budding astronomer. I would get up early (because that's how I roll-always), and have a sweet mango for breakfast. I'd walk up to Missouri State some days and learn General Chemistry 2. Not a premed gal-I only got a B, it's so hard for me to get motivated, but still longing for the stars. I would come home and make a lean cuisine, Enchilada Suiza (?) I think was my favorite, topped with a handful of romaine and hot sauce. For dinner, a slab of salmon, dripping rich with sizzling fatty skin and a handful of blueberries. Then when the sun would go down, I would grab my binoculars and head out to the yard, to see the stars would show me. I had such hope for my life. 

I think if my life had themes or rather...what is that word that I am searching for? Motif? It would be morning coffee, stacks of books, fiction when I was younger, but more nonfiction later-because the internet ruined my concentration. Stargazing, but never really getting good enough to know the constellations. Always hopeful-grasping at the idea or essence of something I could never quite reach. 

Today's  my mother's birthday. I miss her, and I know she misses me, too.

I really just want to be wealthy, living in a big metropolitan city, soaking in the lights, the sounds, the life. Is that too much to ask?

I'm Fine, but Time to Whine

                                                           Photo by Sajad Nori on Unsplash

I haven't been writing much. What is there to say?

The whole of my life can be summed up by loneliness and a strong desire to be alone...except when I don't want to be alone. 

It's funny how the same things affect me year after year. What changes is how I view what is happening. Who is/is not to blame. 

As I have said before, I learned in my forties that I am often the problem. So much of my life, I was caught up in this idea that it was everyone else and I was being mistreated-I was the victim. That is not to say I am just a bad person who deserves a bad life. I just realize, I am who I am. I feel like I learned so many really important lessons late. Maybe too late. Because as I have also said, knowing may be half the battle-but...it's just half the battle. It isn't the tools, the guts, the energy to go out and fix. 

I am lonely.

I am still heartbroken over not teaching math. I know I wasn't teacher of the year. I know the kids didn't like me much. I know I had a lot of room for growth. But I was finally challenged and wanting to grow. I wanted to be successful. I miss teaching slope, and equations, and graphing so much. If I could change any decision in the past year, it would have been to just say no when the principal asked if I was willing to switch to family and consumer science. My second choice would be to just stick with family and consumer science. It would have been fine. 

I just knew I would become more of the outsider than I was. I would be pushed out of the 8th grade teacher group, that I was already just a fringe member of, and on top of that, I would be in the same hall and I would have to see them being all friendly without me. It would be a lot for my rejection sensitive soul to bear. So at first, moving back to sped made sense. I liked the sped staff. I would move downstairs and could pretend I wasn't being pushed away (or rather, just forgotten). But...then I just felt this despair and anger towards the principal because she KNEW I wanted to teach math and she just didn't want me to. She wanted my math skills teaching sped math and I HAVE ALWAYS disliked teaching sped math. Always. So here I am. 

Don't get me wrong, I like my job. I like the kids; I like being in charge of my schedule. I like not having to do some of the more stupid stuff teachers have to do. I am not a huge fan of being kicked and punched and having to restrain kids. I don't like having to try and come up with lessons ranging from Kindergarten to fifth grade. I don't like not knowing what I am supposed to do with the students with multiple disabilities who are nonverbal and hardly move. They don't really teach this stuff in college. 

I hate writing IEPs. They are so mindnumbingly dull.

My paras are great, but one is moving away after first semester, another is pregnant, and wants to stay home with the baby, and the other just wants to leave because her daughter is going to high school next year. And they are all conservative. I stay out of their political discussions, but sometimes I think they know. 

November has settled in and the darkening afternoons are depressing me. I know when Christmas kicks in, it will be a little better. I am just so danged lonely. 

I keep thinking how can I fix it? How can I fix the loneliness. Go to church? I just struggle with consistent beliefs. Especially now that the Christian Right has turned into Nazilike zombies, I am just over it. I thought Jesus was supposed to change your heart--these people are hateful. 

I could go to book club at the library. I asked a couple people about joining one last year, but I wasn't wanted. Well. I probably would have been too shy to go. They have dinner clubs for women in town. I could maybe do that. 

I hardly get out of my room at work-I can barely take a conference, but once or twice a week. I guess I could force one, but I would need to leave my room because there would be kids in there, and I feel such a sense of responsibility. It's hard to leave. I rarely talk to people at work, though they seem kind enough.

But that's the thing. Why bother? People seem eager to get to know me and then it just fades away. Time and time again. It has to be me. I am too boring. Too self-centered. Too selfish. Too paranoid. Too protective of my self. Obviously the fear is I have borderline personality disorder, but if I do, I think it is on the mild side. I think of my friend Christy in high school, who more clearly had BPD. She would swallow pills after a fight with her boyfriend and tried to run another exboyfriend off the road. I am not there. I am a little more self aware than that. But I do shut down and lock people out and some part of them wants to them to know and feel a little bit of pain for not loving me. I suppose people can pick up on that. 

I always did say the wrong thing. Or it was wrong when I said it, maybe. Anyway, it's fine. It is just the dark early evenings getting to me. Tomorrow will be better. 

There was so much more to say. Perhaps a second, happier post is in order. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes...They are Afoot

 And I am sad. I guess a grieving process is normal. I woke up without malice, completely accepting of the whole crappy year I have had, and then that is when the Universe offered another door. That tends to be how it works, I suppose. I am not thrilled about working until 4:30 next year. I probably won't be able to tutor. I haven't had much luck in getting online jobs-which sucks, because I LOVE working online. When I volunteered to change jobs, I overlooked those little things. Oh well. What's done is done. I would rather make decisions quickly because I AGONIZE over them otherwise, and I still second-guess myself. So why not just make a quick rational decision and deal with the emotional fallout later, because it will happen regardless.

A new school. New people. A new job. I am a bit nervous. I want to start NOW so I am not too overwhelmed when the kids show up. I am sad that I didn't make a bigger impact at Hickory. I may just be a back-of-the-room, behind the scenes kind of person. I kind of hate that. That isn't who I want to be, but alas social anxiety.

I am still praying for an online job for evenings and weekends, and I will also do tutoring, but if not, I'll figure something out. 

Looking forward. I will be happy when everything is official and I can get into my room and work.

The loneliness is pressing in tonight. It will be okay. 

The Quiet

 

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash

The world seems scary and dark right  now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.

    The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names). 

    The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment. 

    The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?

    And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us. 

    A sunny day.

    A bird song.

    A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)

    Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash. 

    We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?

    When will we stand and speak out?

    When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook. 

       If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere. 

    I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end. 

    I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating. 

    Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light. 

    Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.

It's Gonna Be a Snow Day!

Photo by Filip Bunkens on Unsplash

 I woke up around 4:30 which is fine because I went
to bed around 8:30. And I waiting to hear we were indeed going to have a snow day, and then I got up. It looks like we should get some significant snow for our area.

The job hunt. After my long drawn out post I suddenly realized-I don't have to job hunt. I can just do FACS. I was strongly considering asking for the position-I had even drafted an email- once I learned the current teacher wanted to change. So...it's all good. I do have two interview requests, but I am just going to decline them. I am tired. What I am looking for I am not going to find in another job. I need to work on classroom management and doing it in an untested subject is best for all involved. Middle school boys are tough. If it is awful then next year would be the year to try and shift. So. Whatever. It's not nearly as a big of a deal as I am have made it out to be. I just want to carefully craft something without an actual vision of what I want to craft. That's absurd. 

I really don't feel like changing jobs. I am tired. I would have taken the Kickapoo or Launch jobs, but that's pretty much it. Nothing else really feels worth starting over for at this point. 

Anyway I think we could get several inches of snow which is so exciting for the kids. I do miss the neighborhood boys all going out and playing together, but they are older and drifting apart. I didn't like them in my house anyway.

I will probably go out and uber a bit this morning. I still have the cold, but it isn't as bad today, and I need to get out of the house a little bit. Then I plan to put the laundry away which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Well, sweeping the  floor is pretty bad. I want one of those fancy Dyson's, but the cost is prohibitive.  Then anything else I do is bonus. ;)

Oh, if I am making this commitment, I want to also start planning my curriculum for next year. I love curriculum planning as long as its my way and not the boring way the district wants us to do it that makes my brain freeze up and makes me look like an idiot.  I am sure the current teacher has some stuff  I can use, too.

So...bring on the beautiful snow. I wish we could do Christmas again. This past holiday season was so disappointing. I need more people and more visits. I want games and fun.

Later!

February

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

No clever title in me today. I am not well. I am not really unwell, just not in my best health. I think I have a long and lingering bronchitis. It's unpleasant, but not the worst thing ever. The cough has been starting to die down. I could use a snow day or two to rest a little more, though. I just don't feel well. Nothing I can put my finger on, though. 

   The news is disturbing-I think the worst part is I want to believe the best and prepare for the worst. But I don't now what that looks like or how to prepare. I feel like we are sitting ducks waiting to see just how bad the powers that be are going to ram us. I am embarrassed of my country. I mean, there has always been a little bit of embarrassment in the two times I have traveled overseas, but now, I am ashamed. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it. It's too big. 

   I really just want to shop. I want to have a pretty house and meet friends for dinner and have a little too much wine and be brought home and just have a pleasant life with pretty things. I may be shallow. But I don't really care. I am a product of this world. 

    The boys are fighting. Alec wants a big room-sized fort and Gabe wants to play VR in that room and chaos is ensuing. I am too tired to walk down there. I hope it works out. Alec dropped the xbox this morning and we couldn't get it to work. I am not going to tell his brothers though. Alec is BAD about dropping things. He has broke at least two tvs trying to move them. 

    I couldn't even begin to care less about the superbowl. I have just lost all interest in sports whatsoever. Maybe it is because I am not feeling well. It's really only fun when people are coming over to enjoy them and noone has mentioned anything and I just don't have the energy to host anyway. People only ever come over when you offer them food. I guess that is why my mom always invited me for dinner. Noone just comes over to see each other. 

   I want to pack up in my car and drive to Canada and start a new life, but I doubt they are going to be chill about that. :o) I would sell everything just to start over somewhere else. I am over it. But it maybe like teachers in education-a few years ago, I noticed all the teachers were scrambling around like rats on a sinking ship, searching for a safer spot. Maybe moving around the world would be the same. Maybe the whole damn ship is sinking. 

    Today I am weak. Today I want a partner. I want help with the kids and help with the house and help with the bills. But alas, I think I might be ugly. All my life people just haven't been into me. Even when I was young. I don't THINK I was uglier than most people, but other people get asked out and I rarely did-at least not by anyone I really wanted. Plus I would always latch on so quickly. I am starting to understand all that a bit more-the insight has been a little depressing-but now I feel like I can't latch on to anyone. But again, noone notices me. Maybe I am too quiet. People always think I am conservative anyway. I always attract the wrong guys. Or gross guys, or uneducated. or poor. I am not brilliant by any stretch of the imagination, but both my husbands have had IQs above average (Brian was about 122 and Karl was about 133, if you are curious). I just can't with the average.  No, I don't think romance is my destiny. It's a shame, though. I always craved it. 

Anyway, I am sleepy, and going to close my eyes for a bit. I can't miss any more work.

Noone wanted to hire me. I am too tired to care anyway. Self-esteem is not booming at the moment.:)

    

So THAT was Christmas-and the Year in Review. Sort of

Photo by Navi on Unsplash

 Howdy Ho! It is I, Jill, who waddles in with chocolate stained lips from the land of Holiday eating. Too much sugar in my body.

One day remains in the holiday break and I must say, it's been...meh. Now I know I have a propensity to be a whiner, but my gosh what a waste of the days. I had these plans to organize my house, organize and plan my life, become a better person through the power of thinking and action, and yet here we are. It didn't help that I had to uber my butt off (but don't worry, I ate it right back on with sweets); I feel all I have been doing is working. I am so sick of working. I am on the verge of selling my house just to get out of debt. I might even take a cash offer if it was good enough. I don't know how I can fix it up while I am living here. I messaged some online places, but of course they want to talk to me on the phone and I am just not  there yet. Why can't everything be virtual? Obviously the wise thing to do would be to hold onto my house, but I am SO SICK OF WORKING ALL THE TIME. It's unlikely a cash offer would be enough anyway. I really want to walk away with at least 180 minimum. Zillow says 259, but Zillow is inflated and the house needs work. So it would be better to slowly work on fixing it up I guess. Sigh. 

Aside from a brief week or two, it never really felt Christmassy. I didn't do my annual reading of Anne's House of Dreams, because I read it this summer, but somehow the holiday feels incomplete without Anne, Leslie (My favorite), Captain Jim, and Miss Cornelia. 

So many thoughts are rushing around and I am constantly changing my mind. I guess there comes a point where you have to tell your brain to shut the h-e-double hockey sticks up because otherwise it will just keep running in circles. Does everyone do this? Cycle through thoughts and emotions repetitively?

Anyway, I have had some disappointing insight and I am not happy with what I have come up with. I don't want to share it with you all, because it is the worst of the worst, no-some things are a little worse, but it's not good, my self-diagnosis. However, a label doesn't mean change is impossible, and so I am planning that out as we speak. Interesting the changes I have in mind have to do with grasping more stability and less change. I am SO afraid of being trapped in one life, I think from getting married so young (and did you know that people who have the responsibility of watching their siblings young often struggle with going on to "grow up" too soon, which actually can stunt their overall development? I think I read that. I might have made it up. Anyway, I am not placing blame, we all do the best we can  and sometimes people need more help, but I think I was always so busy taking care of little people I never stopped to really figure myself out. We have the things we like as youngsters, but it takes time and experience in the real world to learn how you really fit in. And I think I missed that. Add to that my tendency towards magical thinking and is it a wonder I am still so wobbly?

Anyway going around in circles in my mind is useless. I have to get to the point where I can commit to a decision. Because my lack of commitment is really screwing up my life. I find myself saying stupid things and its no wonder people don't believe in me. I don't know what I want. And I am too old to not know what I want. The quiet simple life I thought I wanted is boring me to death. I wanted to be a homesteader. I don't even like to garden. 

And feelings. I don't recall anyone ever talking to me about how to handle my feelings. I neglected this with my older kids, too. It just never occurred to me this might need to happen. The Gen X neglect is strong in me. Noone told me how to handle dating, how to break up with someone, how to deal with strong negativity. Maybe noone talks about these things? I don't know. All I know is I grew up with this strong feeling I shouldn't hurt anyone, but managing to do it anyway. Why were my parents okay with me dating someone with bipolar. I mean, I was an adult when I met Karl, but I feel like someone should have warned me. Someone should have been looking out for me instead of setting me up. Maybe not. Maybe I would have done what I wanted to do anyway. 

And then I have this crazy fragile self-esteem. It's absurd. I am too old to be so adolescent. 

So anyway, I think I need to build up this framework for myself, but I am afraid that under stress, it is always going to fall. I am afraid I will always have to keep putting myself back together again, and I am tired of it. But we do what we gotta do. I just wish I'd find the glue that would stick.

Anyway, the year has been okay. Work is fine, except I am not doing a great job, and that is painful. I was driving around working today, thinking about what I could do teach slope better next year, and then I remembered, I don't get to teach it next year. And I was a little bummed. But it will be okay. I will just do the best I can this year, and then see what the next experience will be like. I am sad. I am embarrassed. But I will be okay. 

Alec is on the verge of losing his first front tooth, and his baby face will be gone. It's been a hard year really. Gabe is twelve now and changing, and the sweetness is not so evident now. Liam is struggling with balancing school, extra curriculars, and phone addiction. 

I am dying to travel so badly it almost hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am only truly alive when I am out of Missouri. I cannot believe I am trapped in Missouri. 

I have developed a bit of an affinity for TikTok. I delete it every couple of weeks because it interferes with my sleeping and with my love for conspiracy theories it really isn't good for me, but I always go crawling back. It's so entertaining. 

This time last year I was OBSESSED with Call Me By Your Name. I have watched it too much now and can't bear it. Also I feel a little annoyed with the age gap between the guys. It has bothered me more over time. It feels a little ick. I have watched Heartstopper enough, too. But if you like gay guys, good gosh, if you haven't seen Red, White, and Royal Blue (and who hasn't?) you really are missing out. They have great chemistry, IMO. 

So yeah, just waiting on my next strong interest to hit. Any day now...Would be nice.

In this upcoming year, I hope to approach life with a little more grace. I hope to dig a little deeper into myself and figuring out what I want as opposed to what I think should I want. I hope to provide the steady grounding I crave. I hope to bounce quicker and less publicly from disappointments. I hope to become better at discerning who is trustworthy, without being paranoid and unfriendly when I don't trust someone. I hope to figure out my bills so either I don't have to move or if I do, I have minimal contact with strangers and business deals because it is SO uncomfortable.

I hope to buy less brand new. More thrifting. I want to be less conscious of brands and labels and not care what others think. I want to be more open-but truly open, not silly, deflective open.

Happy New Year.