That’s what my own head decided to do to me this week. And it’s rough. So my drama continues, but it isn’t nearly as big of a deal as I am making it. I think my fear of being trapped is rising up. And when you have a fear of being trapped (which for me means being bored and powerless to plan how my day unfolds) and you have a great need for security- well, there’s going to be tension.
So my principal told me there was a sped math position opening at my school. Now FACS sounds more interesting than sped math, but I am not great at crowd control and I am beginning to doubt I will ever get better at it. My brain just locks up and I think why are doing this and it’s hard for me to implement strategies because I am too busy wondering why they are being buttheads. I’d kill to go back to school and learn all day. I decided sped math would be better as I would have more interaction with grownups during the day and smaller crowds to deal with. Don’t get me wrong- there are things about FACS I really want to do. I worked on a curriculum all last weekend for it. But I am over trying to get a whole classroom to care. It’s not fun. But I sort of want to explore that option. But I also feel like I made the best choice for my mental health and to utilize my skills.
But then the being trapped part started to hit. It’s hard to get out of sped and I like to feel free. So I applied for a couple jobs casually, and one of them called my principal, who was not happy I had applied for another job. Which I understand. She wants things settled and ready to go. I would too. But that doesn’t help my trapped feeling at all. So with the surge of hormones (remember I am a pmdd sufferer-I SUFFER with hormones), and being told I was unprofessional (which I might be) I just have been feeling awful. Then a 7th grader expressed her delight that she would not be having me for FACS and it was just enough to seriously ruin my day. And y’all know I can be bitter. But the poison is seeping away and I have to hold firm to the knowledge that I made the best decision I could. It is impossible to have the best of both or all worlds. Something has to give. The best thing I can do is let the missed possibilities pass gracefully, which is a struggle for me, but perhaps that is the lesson to learn here.
I really wish I wasn’t so self-centered. If I could focus more on the students and less on my feelings, all would be better. This lifelong identity crisis is getting old. Maybe there is a factor of will and self-determination involved in creating one’s identity and all the while I have just been heeding my feelings of the moment.
The truth is- I love the math of regular ed. I love 8th grade math. But eighth graders are rough and I am tender hearted. And they see that and use that and dislike me for it. And that was my main fear about FACS. Which let’s be honest, I am a little sad about. But- a choice had to be made and I made the one that seemed best at the time. Now if my principal would stop hurting my feelings, all would be well.🤣 I think we just have very different personalities. Most of all, I need to stop hurting my own feelings. I can believe whatever I want, so I should believe the best.
I am a worrier. I love nothing more than to ruminate over possibilities and torture myself over things that could go wrong. Am I doing the wrong job? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to be able to handle XYZ? Does this person dislike me and I just don't realize it? The problem wilthall this is: Whatever will come to pass, happens whether I worry about it or not. My worrying-my obsessing, just ruins today and make me unpleasant to be around. Especially since when I am worried, I can be a little bit hateful-maybe as a means to I don't know, protect myself somehow.
I worry because I think if I hit on the right thought, the right word, the right support from others, I will be protected from the pain of what I am worrying about. But I think, it actually does the opposite. I think it creates a negative cloud around me that actually increases the likelihood of a negative outcome. Now, I will note that my worrying is pretty self-centered. This extends to my kids somewhat, as I worry about them being rejected quite a bit. And the fact that it is so self-centered must make it even more frustrating for others to have to listen to it. I am worried about this. ;o).
Seriously, though. The question is how to retrain my brain to prepare, but not overly worry. It is normal to be concerned about what may come. It is not normal to be in an obsessive cloud of trying to hit on the right thought in hopes that is will assuage the negative feelings. Maybe this is the thought. The idea of letting go of the concern. Until it comes to pass, it is really is out of my hands. I don't HAVE to let something ruin my day, my weekend. That is a choice I make when it happens.
I had such a dream. I had just taken a job at Hillcrest for English (I was born to teach world history or earth science,but I was WORRIED I wouldn't be able to find a job-so I changed majors). Anyway, all the teachers were streaming in to start the first day back, I was disorganized and confused and was hit with this fear that I hadn't told anyone at Parkview I was leaving. They would realize it when I didn't show up and that was some comfort, but the problem with anything new is that you must leave something else behind in its place.
And that is sad.
Have a great Saturday. I have been hit by horrific allergies or a cold, I am not sure which, I have that elephant sitting on my face feeling. But it's freakin' weekend, and I am excited to have a chance to work, clean, and just be Jill. Need to buy some tomato plants.
The world seems scary and dark right now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.
The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names).
The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment.
The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?
And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us.
A sunny day.
A bird song.
A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)
Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash.
We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?
When will we stand and speak out?
When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook.
If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere.
I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end.
I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating.
Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light.
Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.
I woke up around 4:30 which is fine because I went to bed around 8:30. And I waiting to hear we were indeed going to have a snow day, and then I got up. It looks like we should get some significant snow for our area.
The job hunt. After my long drawn out post I suddenly realized-I don't have to job hunt. I can just do FACS. I was strongly considering asking for the position-I had even drafted an email- once I learned the current teacher wanted to change. So...it's all good. I do have two interview requests, but I am just going to decline them. I am tired. What I am looking for I am not going to find in another job. I need to work on classroom management and doing it in an untested subject is best for all involved. Middle school boys are tough. If it is awful then next year would be the year to try and shift. So. Whatever. It's not nearly as a big of a deal as I am have made it out to be. I just want to carefully craft something without an actual vision of what I want to craft. That's absurd.
I really don't feel like changing jobs. I am tired. I would have taken the Kickapoo or Launch jobs, but that's pretty much it. Nothing else really feels worth starting over for at this point.
Anyway I think we could get several inches of snow which is so exciting for the kids. I do miss the neighborhood boys all going out and playing together, but they are older and drifting apart. I didn't like them in my house anyway.
I will probably go out and uber a bit this morning. I still have the cold, but it isn't as bad today, and I need to get out of the house a little bit. Then I plan to put the laundry away which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Well, sweeping the floor is pretty bad. I want one of those fancy Dyson's, but the cost is prohibitive. Then anything else I do is bonus. ;)
Oh, if I am making this commitment, I want to also start planning my curriculum for next year. I love curriculum planning as long as its my way and not the boring way the district wants us to do it that makes my brain freeze up and makes me look like an idiot. I am sure the current teacher has some stuff I can use, too.
So...bring on the beautiful snow. I wish we could do Christmas again. This past holiday season was so disappointing. I need more people and more visits. I want games and fun.
No clever title in me today. I am not well. I am not really unwell, just not in my best health. I think I have a long and lingering bronchitis. It's unpleasant, but not the worst thing ever. The cough has been starting to die down. I could use a snow day or two to rest a little more, though. I just don't feel well. Nothing I can put my finger on, though.
The news is disturbing-I think the worst part is I want to believe the best and prepare for the worst. But I don't now what that looks like or how to prepare. I feel like we are sitting ducks waiting to see just how bad the powers that be are going to ram us. I am embarrassed of my country. I mean, there has always been a little bit of embarrassment in the two times I have traveled overseas, but now, I am ashamed. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it. It's too big.
I really just want to shop. I want to have a pretty house and meet friends for dinner and have a little too much wine and be brought home and just have a pleasant life with pretty things. I may be shallow. But I don't really care. I am a product of this world.
The boys are fighting. Alec wants a big room-sized fort and Gabe wants to play VR in that room and chaos is ensuing. I am too tired to walk down there. I hope it works out. Alec dropped the xbox this morning and we couldn't get it to work. I am not going to tell his brothers though. Alec is BAD about dropping things. He has broke at least two tvs trying to move them.
I couldn't even begin to care less about the superbowl. I have just lost all interest in sports whatsoever. Maybe it is because I am not feeling well. It's really only fun when people are coming over to enjoy them and noone has mentioned anything and I just don't have the energy to host anyway. People only ever come over when you offer them food. I guess that is why my mom always invited me for dinner. Noone just comes over to see each other.
I want to pack up in my car and drive to Canada and start a new life, but I doubt they are going to be chill about that. :o) I would sell everything just to start over somewhere else. I am over it. But it maybe like teachers in education-a few years ago, I noticed all the teachers were scrambling around like rats on a sinking ship, searching for a safer spot. Maybe moving around the world would be the same. Maybe the whole damn ship is sinking.
Today I am weak. Today I want a partner. I want help with the kids and help with the house and help with the bills. But alas, I think I might be ugly. All my life people just haven't been into me. Even when I was young. I don't THINK I was uglier than most people, but other people get asked out and I rarely did-at least not by anyone I really wanted. Plus I would always latch on so quickly. I am starting to understand all that a bit more-the insight has been a little depressing-but now I feel like I can't latch on to anyone. But again, noone notices me. Maybe I am too quiet. People always think I am conservative anyway. I always attract the wrong guys. Or gross guys, or uneducated. or poor. I am not brilliant by any stretch of the imagination, but both my husbands have had IQs above average (Brian was about 122 and Karl was about 133, if you are curious). I just can't with the average. No, I don't think romance is my destiny. It's a shame, though. I always craved it.
Anyway, I am sleepy, and going to close my eyes for a bit. I can't miss any more work.
Noone wanted to hire me. I am too tired to care anyway. Self-esteem is not booming at the moment.:)
Howdy Ho! It is I, Jill, who waddles in with chocolate stained lips from the land of Holiday eating. Too much sugar in my body.
One day remains in the holiday break and I must say, it's been...meh. Now I know I have a propensity to be a whiner, but my gosh what a waste of the days. I had these plans to organize my house, organize and plan my life, become a better person through the power of thinking and action, and yet here we are. It didn't help that I had to uber my butt off (but don't worry, I ate it right back on with sweets); I feel all I have been doing is working. I am so sick of working. I am on the verge of selling my house just to get out of debt. I might even take a cash offer if it was good enough. I don't know how I can fix it up while I am living here. I messaged some online places, but of course they want to talk to me on the phone and I am just not there yet. Why can't everything be virtual? Obviously the wise thing to do would be to hold onto my house, but I am SO SICK OF WORKING ALL THE TIME. It's unlikely a cash offer would be enough anyway. I really want to walk away with at least 180 minimum. Zillow says 259, but Zillow is inflated and the house needs work. So it would be better to slowly work on fixing it up I guess. Sigh.
Aside from a brief week or two, it never really felt Christmassy. I didn't do my annual reading of Anne's House of Dreams, because I read it this summer, but somehow the holiday feels incomplete without Anne, Leslie (My favorite), Captain Jim, and Miss Cornelia.
So many thoughts are rushing around and I am constantly changing my mind. I guess there comes a point where you have to tell your brain to shut the h-e-double hockey sticks up because otherwise it will just keep running in circles. Does everyone do this? Cycle through thoughts and emotions repetitively?
Anyway, I have had some disappointing insight and I am not happy with what I have come up with. I don't want to share it with you all, because it is the worst of the worst, no-some things are a little worse, but it's not good, my self-diagnosis. However, a label doesn't mean change is impossible, and so I am planning that out as we speak. Interesting the changes I have in mind have to do with grasping more stability and less change. I am SO afraid of being trapped in one life, I think from getting married so young (and did you know that people who have the responsibility of watching their siblings young often struggle with going on to "grow up" too soon, which actually can stunt their overall development? I think I read that. I might have made it up. Anyway, I am not placing blame, we all do the best we can and sometimes people need more help, but I think I was always so busy taking care of little people I never stopped to really figure myself out. We have the things we like as youngsters, but it takes time and experience in the real world to learn how you really fit in. And I think I missed that. Add to that my tendency towards magical thinking and is it a wonder I am still so wobbly?
Anyway going around in circles in my mind is useless. I have to get to the point where I can commit to a decision. Because my lack of commitment is really screwing up my life. I find myself saying stupid things and its no wonder people don't believe in me. I don't know what I want. And I am too old to not know what I want. The quiet simple life I thought I wanted is boring me to death. I wanted to be a homesteader. I don't even like to garden.
And feelings. I don't recall anyone ever talking to me about how to handle my feelings. I neglected this with my older kids, too. It just never occurred to me this might need to happen. The Gen X neglect is strong in me. Noone told me how to handle dating, how to break up with someone, how to deal with strong negativity. Maybe noone talks about these things? I don't know. All I know is I grew up with this strong feeling I shouldn't hurt anyone, but managing to do it anyway. Why were my parents okay with me dating someone with bipolar. I mean, I was an adult when I met Karl, but I feel like someone should have warned me. Someone should have been looking out for me instead of setting me up. Maybe not. Maybe I would have done what I wanted to do anyway.
And then I have this crazy fragile self-esteem. It's absurd. I am too old to be so adolescent.
So anyway, I think I need to build up this framework for myself, but I am afraid that under stress, it is always going to fall. I am afraid I will always have to keep putting myself back together again, and I am tired of it. But we do what we gotta do. I just wish I'd find the glue that would stick.
Anyway, the year has been okay. Work is fine, except I am not doing a great job, and that is painful. I was driving around working today, thinking about what I could do teach slope better next year, and then I remembered, I don't get to teach it next year. And I was a little bummed. But it will be okay. I will just do the best I can this year, and then see what the next experience will be like. I am sad. I am embarrassed. But I will be okay.
Alec is on the verge of losing his first front tooth, and his baby face will be gone. It's been a hard year really. Gabe is twelve now and changing, and the sweetness is not so evident now. Liam is struggling with balancing school, extra curriculars, and phone addiction.
I am dying to travel so badly it almost hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am only truly alive when I am out of Missouri. I cannot believe I am trapped in Missouri.
I have developed a bit of an affinity for TikTok. I delete it every couple of weeks because it interferes with my sleeping and with my love for conspiracy theories it really isn't good for me, but I always go crawling back. It's so entertaining.
This time last year I was OBSESSED with Call Me By Your Name. I have watched it too much now and can't bear it. Also I feel a little annoyed with the age gap between the guys. It has bothered me more over time. It feels a little ick. I have watched Heartstopper enough, too. But if you like gay guys, good gosh, if you haven't seen Red, White, and Royal Blue (and who hasn't?) you really are missing out. They have great chemistry, IMO.
So yeah, just waiting on my next strong interest to hit. Any day now...Would be nice.
In this upcoming year, I hope to approach life with a little more grace. I hope to dig a little deeper into myself and figuring out what I want as opposed to what I think should I want. I hope to provide the steady grounding I crave. I hope to bounce quicker and less publicly from disappointments. I hope to become better at discerning who is trustworthy, without being paranoid and unfriendly when I don't trust someone. I hope to figure out my bills so either I don't have to move or if I do, I have minimal contact with strangers and business deals because it is SO uncomfortable.
I hope to buy less brand new. More thrifting. I want to be less conscious of brands and labels and not care what others think. I want to be more open-but truly open, not silly, deflective open.
