My Big, Bad Trip to New York

 Do I need a comma between big and bad? I am unsure. I remember my writing classes and my trusted Chicago Manual of Style, but I was always so annoyed with the nitpicking of the rules. It was one of the reasons I couldn't mesh well with the English students. Like, I mean, I wanna do it correctly, however, I don't want to HAVE to do it correctly, you know? I want to just do it effortlessly.

    My trip is over now and it's time to process (which I do through writing and preferably sharing with others-it's my thang!). Let's break it down.

    Friday

    I woke up in the morning feeling like-no wait-nevermind. I felt tired. It was about 2:00 a.m. when my alarm went off. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, had a quick cup of less than stellar coffee, and then at 2:30 or so left to get Taryn. I awoke Liam to come down and lock the door and left the key for them to lock up later.  We went to the airport. As it turned out, the gates to the gates don't even open until four a.m. so we definitely could have slept another hour. We flew to Dallas/Ft. Worth and then on to LaGuardia. Initially, I had considered using Ubers to ride to and from the airport, but that's a lot of money, so I decided just to park in long-term parking in Springfield, and then take public transportation to Manhattan. It was fine. We got on an M70 bus which was free from LaGuardia to get to the subway station and then got on the train google maps told us to get on. It was going in the wrong direction, so we had to ride to the end where it turned around, but that was fine. So we left Queens and went into Manhattan. Really with a smart phone nothing is hard anymore. We walked around a bit, until it was check in time for the hotel. The hotel room was small, but good. Very clean. The worst part was the coffee maker didn't work, which made mornings a wee bit foggier than normal, and there wasnt't an iron. I am sure they could have gotten me an iron to use, if needed, but I decided a few wrinkles didn't matter.  

    Romeo and Juliet

    After that we relaxed until it was time to go to the show. The show wasn't far (is anything?), but we wanted to leave by 6. I had heard the actors came about about 15 or 20 minutes before the show and you could take pics/videos then. We headed out and it was so crowded. We stayed in Times Square area and I felt like we were in the center of the world. Everyone was relaxed, probably mostly tourists, and the atmosphere was happy and fun and ALIVE. We got to the theatre a little before 6:30. After going in, we went downstairs into a basement lobby where people were hanging out and there was a table set up encouraging the youth vote. I bought an adult beverage-the Capulet-which was crazy expensive at $38 dollars and tasted like tropical punch with some vodka or something thrown in. It was like something you'd get a college party in a well, basement. But hey, I got a plastic souvenir cup, so there is that!

    Then we headed to our seats. Our seats were really fantastic. We were in the front row, although the theatre was intimate enough that any seat would have been fine. There was some floor seating around the corners, but I was happy where we were. So this is where the evening got a little bumpy. I took a couple pics of the supporting characters as they came out, as did many other people. The instagram rumor was that it was okay before the show started. Obviously I was waiting on the main stars to come out to snap some pics. I wanted Kit Conner in my own phone, damn it! I would take some of Rachel, too, to avoid being creepy of course, gotta hide the crush at my age, but still. Anyhoo, some lady walked directly up to me and told me no pictures and videos. Okay, that's fine. I had only taken two pictures anyway. Now was I disappointed I wouldn't be capturing Kit in my own phone? Absolutely. Was I, as a teacher, going to take a pic anyway, No way. I am one of those people who do not get away with things. So I nodded and said, " Oh, okay." Unfortunately, my phone was upright in my lap and my camera was on, and I was embarrassed and fumbly and didn't notice.  She immediately cracked down on that, and said she knew I was planning to wait for her to leave to film more and it would be very bad she had to ask me to leave. I was mortified. I might have done that when I was 10, I would NEVER have done that now.

    So here I am, trying to look agreeable and cool, feeling all the eyes on me, and just not really happy. I planted a contented smile on my lips trying to look cool, and put my phone in my purse. Then over the next 15 minutes watched a dozen other people taking photos and selfies and noone saying anything to them. Like really, did she just not like my face or something? To get over the embarrassment because I was determined to enjoy myself, I started sipping my adult beverage more quickly. This was my downfall however. about 45 minutes into the show, I HAD to pee, so badly. And it was in the middle of the balcony scene. I waited until Kit slipped away momentarily, because I figured that would interrupt the scene the least, and went to the bathroom (which was down another long flight to a second basement). Of course,  then I and several other small-bladdered females had to wait in the lobby until intermission. I left right before the iconic pull-up kiss, too. I had already seen it a dozen times on instagram, but still.

    

But I survived. I really loved the supporting characters; a couple were quite fantastic. Rachel is cute as a button and brave, and Kit is very fine looking, although his youth was very apparent, I totally felt like a creeper, and just seeing his young face helped quell the crush. I was determined not to be star-struck like I was I went to see Counting Crows and was too embarrassed to look at Adam Duwitz, and I didn't want to be a creeper and just stare at Kit like I desired. So I made a decision to only look at the person talking. I know, I know, I have issues. Almost everyone is there to see Kit or Rachel, so it doesn't matter. But alas, I do hide my feelings quite often, and I was determined to do so now as well. The unfortunate side effect is I remember almost nothing about Kit from the play. I don't remember facial expressions or anything. I gazed so easily upon the others but I just didn't glance at his handsome face enough. Oh well. My impression of the play was that it was fine. Nothing stood out too much, but I was not moved to tears and as someone who cries easily during movies and plays, that was odd. Perhaps if I had seen Mercutio slain I would have felt more, but I was in the lobby awaiting intermission at that time. We didn't stick around for autographs because why? After that we headed back toward the hotel. It was so nice just to be out in the world with the sea of people around us.

Was New York dirtier than I remembered? Absolutely. As we walked we were met with intermittent odors of garbage and sulfur, weed and delicious food smells. All of these could be within 20 feet of each other and it was absolutely wonderful. Were there homeless? Yes, but Springfield has homeless, too, so that wasn't anything new.

    Saturday

    We awoke on Saturday morning which is when I discovered my coffee maker was not working. We had tickets for the American Museum of Natural History, which for some reason I thought was at nine, but it turned out to be ten a.m. We took a subway ride closer to Central park (only $2.90 to ride the subway), and then got out, found the park. At some point, I realized my mistake with the time we were going, so we decided to walk around a little more. Central Park was in the midst of autumn glory and a marathon was ending around the edge of the park, so the blue-skied crisp morning was greeted with occasional cheers as someone passed the finish line. The skyline against the park horizon was absolutely lovely. We have all seen Central Park as depicted in movies and this did not disappoint. Everything felt so familiar and comfortable. I could almost swear I saw Ansel Elgort in the park, but obviously I pretended not to notice. There were a few more people who looked like I had seen them before, but they weren't big enough that their names jump out to me, over the course of the weekend. 

    

    The museum was lovely, but that was more for Taryn. My interests are pretty solidly around space and earth science. Taryn was especially interested in the minerals and gemstones so we spent time looking at the shinies. I am probably more of an art museum person. I want to contemplate the person who created the thing and wonder about their motivations. Following the museum we headed back to the hotel to put our bags down and rest a bit. Taryn got some very spicy falafel over rice from a street vender and I am on generic Ozempic, so I don't get very hungry. I did slowly nurse a turkey wrap over the course of the day. We hopped a subway to head to the Harry Potter store further downtown, realized we were going the wrong way and fixed that and got to the store. It was so fun. The Harry Potter store was done SO well. I wish I had been able to save more money so I could have had the full experience, but just being there was a lot of fun. After the store, we stopped at le pain quotidien for a cup of coffee and then wandered around 5th avenue looking at touristy gift shops until our reservation time for the Empire State Building. It was so interesting to look at the 5th avenue apartments from the outside and then google their rent costs. They were outrageous of course. Some people were stepping out into private cars waiting for them and just looked like money was oozing out of their pores. Of course, tourists and students were everywhere. 

    The Empire State Building was well done. It was sleek and elegant and everyone was cheerful and excited to be there. I was exceptionally happy we went at night. The lights of the city stretched out 360 degrees away from us promising excitement and life whichever way we turned. And yet, when I stepped out on the balcony, the brisk cold wind made me feel as if I had been transferred into some other, surreal place. Inky black beauty bejeweled with lights of ruby and topaz lay all around us, and the city sirens, the constant city sirens, were faint and otherworldly. It was truly lovely. 

    After that we decided to walk back to the hotel to drop off our things and freshen up. Then Taryn had reservations at La Masseria where she treated me to a wonderful Italian dinner. The atmosphere was festive, the languages were intermingled and the Italians were looking very Italian. Even the Cabernet was superb, not a twinge of sour or too sweet, just mellow, warm red goodness.

 

       Sunday

      Although we had to awake at 5, the clocks fell back so we got a good seven hours of sleep or so. We popped up, tucked everything into our backpacks, and headed for the subway. I really love the subway system. It is easy and convenient and you can go wherever it will take you for only $2.90 a trip. I wish we had such amazing public transportation around here.  We went into Queens and then promptly missed our bus to the airport as we tried to get our bearings after we emerged from the subway tunnel. Thankfully, we had chatted with some young women who also were on the way to the airport as they looked for bus stop, too. The temperature was in the 30's and they decided to just call a Lyft and allowed us to share it with them. And that was that!

We walked over 5 miles on both Friday and Saturday and let me tell you the muscles in my hips are screaming. I wish I always had opportunities like that (walking with a purpose in a city that kept pedestrians in mind). 

    I am so grateful for my amazing family who helped with my boys and for the opportunity to go. Will I be paying for years for this trip? Maybe, but life is short and experiences are what it is all about.

    

Saturday Night's All Right, Right?

    

            Photo by Marko Blažević on Unsplash

 I refound the YouTube channel, Little Poet. I always enjoyed it and then switched to a different channel for myself because the kids follow way too many channels and never sat down to go through the hundreds on the old channel to find hers. So, it was good to find.

    It was a nice day. I worked the whole morning, charged my phone, and worked another hour. Then the boys and I had a good time, and we tried very hard to watch a show, but Alec was flying too high from the sugar and then, sadly, Gabe had a bit of 12-year-old boy craziness, and something rather dreadful happened. I don't want to talk about it. I am just ... hoping he gets through this phase quickly. It brings me back to less happier times.  One of the hard things of living with someone who is bipolar was dealing with their anger. The breaking of the things. I remember on the last week before I decided it was time to separate again, when I had already been warning him, I could not take much more, when he told me I was so lucky to have him, that my coworker was what a man wanted, that I was just a four (which again, may be true, most people are 4s and 5s, but the intent was to hurt, and I felt completely unloved, when he threw a broom and broke my cookie jar, and later that week a photo frame, and I realized that if I didn't get away, every little thing I cherished would be broken. Every wall would be marred. It was just too much to take. And then this boy, with his hot temper, brings it all back, and I have to step back and try to decipher what is happening. Liam had flashes of anger at 12 (he threw a baseball at the windshield once, cracking it) and he got past it. But this is so hard to go through. And then this sweet boy will cuddle up to me and say sorry,  and I just-- wish he would learn to go outside and push through the energy and learn it quickly.

    I am enjoying a glass of wine, but it is making me feel a little ill already. That's a little sad. I want to feel that drunken loosening of just letting go. I guess it isn't a good idea with the kids here, and I just have the one glass anyway. But you know that numb headiness where romance, chatting with the pets, and the world dimming around you overtakes you? I long for that. Of course it is more fun with other people, and memories of parties and get togethers of the past reminds of the joys of chatting with the girls and flirting with the boys and how much I do enjoy relaxing with a group of safe people. It's been so very long since I had people. But I have learned to really enjoy myself, and that's a nice thing, too.

    Work is hard. I am struggling with deciding if regular education with all the kids is the right place for me. I really struggle with crowd control. I don't know. I want to make the best choice for everyone. I like the faster pace and I like the deeper lessons, but I am just not sure if I am not really just a hindrance and disservice to the students. And all the goofiness we are expected to do. So much silliness. And I do miss reading and writing with the kids. I don't like the way the district is tightening everything. They say they are making it more equitable, but they are ripping the individuality and beautiful artistry out of the process of teaching. On top of that, we hear that other countries students think our lessons are a joke, and it makes me wonder what is really going on. But then I remember I am not independently wealthy, so I don't really have a choice to do things differently, so why bother thinking about it?

    Anyway, I didn't get an online job, so I must work work work all the time, and tomorrow is no exception, so, I'll say good night. 

    

And there she is again

 

Tumble-joy reigned

Topsy-turvy 

alone again

voiceless,

fail again

 this place,

 smile.

Ah, yes. 

Home again.

This infp (who believes personality tests are pure crap for the simpleminded (like me), is drowning in the angry feels today:)

Have a good one!

P.s. I am totally being overly dramatic. It makes me happy.

Static

   

Photo by Ben Karpinski on Unsplash

 We strive to be that dynamic, exciting personality who exhibits growth and radiance. We believe we have a purpose and importance. We believe we were put here to DO BIG THINGS. Because all around us this is what the world is telling us. It's a sign on the wall, a scribble from a colleague.

    And then one day, we wake up, nearing the half-century mark, having accomplished little and feeling a bit foolish singing the praises of the palty small accomplishments we have made.  And WHAT exactly distinguishes what IS an accomplishment? Is it business success? A good-looking partner? Money, or a beautiful home? Is it a generous heart that others can rely on? Is it a novel, published? When your words spill reverently out of another's lips?

    Guys, I am going to be 50. It's a word too old to imagine. Too steady and Karenish for this faltering timid soul stumbling around in this body. I feel like I am just beginning to open my eyes and already my life is more than halfway over. Maybe 2/3 over. And I am just learning so much now. And so very disappointed by the lessons.

    It doesn't really seem fair. I used to think the world was wide open. Anyone could do and become anything. I don't anymore. Some people truly have a leg up. Sometimes it is financially. Some people were blessed with beautiful faces. Some have inviting personalities and have been taught or gifted with emotional self-control. 

    I am lucky in many ways. But in many others, I was far behind the starting line. And  I am coming to understand that maybe don't change as much as we thought we could. Maybe our core nature IS static. I will always fight being jealous, petty, insecure. It's so gross. I may never see when someone is using me for their own entertainment-or rather- I do see, but I don't believe it- until after the fact. I may always be naively forgiving of those who maybe don't deserve it. I will NEVER master my surging hormones which leave me reeling periodically. In this case, nature will lose. Just a little more time. 

    I think I  may always be socially insecure. I can use the positive self-talk and see that someone isn't better than me rationally, but the fear of eventual rejection, the fear of my own imperfections, is unshakable. To this day, I reel with shame when I post something and noone responds or likes it. I realize either my thinking is remarkably banal or just so out there and personal, I should be sharing with a therapist rather than with you. 

    Maybe the lesson isn't to learn to overcome the imperfections, but to learn to accept the limitations with grace. 

    Maybe there is beauty in accepting one's own nature, learning to tame the beast, whilst always acknowledging the hungry survivalist waiting beneath the surface. Maybe the lessons become too ingrained, too imprinted on our soul. 

    And so I wonder where to go from here. Where to take this next 25 years. I watch myself fade. I let go of once-dreams one-by-one and wonder what is left when all the built up hopes and dreams and fears  drift away. How deeply can I mesh with the soul of who I truly am and stop looking for the soul of who I hope to be?

Sunday Morning Moments

 Saturday and Sunday mornings are precious times to an introvert. In the old days I would awaken early and enjoy a few quiet hours to myself. Now, however, I have an Alec, who is an early bird, too. I jsut remind myself, that he is always growing and changing, and as a mom of many, I know these moments and years pass quickly. One day I will awaken to a quiet house and long for the sound of someone else's breath and footsteps.

 

I flipped through the Prime channel this morning and everything looked lovely. I finally settled upon The Secret of Roan Inish. I've seen it before, so it can be background, it's more uplifting for the kiddos than scary, bloodsucking vampires, and the music and sea scenes are pretty much where my soul resides.

My wish for vampire diaries is that there had been one more preciously romantic season. But alas, that is probably why so many movies end when they couple ends up together. It is hard to sustain the romantic intensity. Anyway, I think I've had my fill. I will still watch clips on Youtube. I mean...look at this man...And I love this song by Fleurie:

Well, I am a sucker for romance. Hopefully heaven is chockful of yummy romantic experiences. Or at the the opportunity to temporarily experience romantic drunkeness as one wishes. Otherwise-what is the point of all these desires if the aren't to be fulfilled somewhere? I will be quite disappointed, if it is just animal procreation driving it. 

I always start my blog with such a plan-I will have a focus and draw people in, but in the end, I am just a collection of thoughts and feelings.I rebel against the idea that a blog must be a certain way, even if that is the way to pulling people in. People want to know what they are getting into, they want answers, they want guidance. Who am I to guide, when the world is just a giant smorgasbord of that which can be experienced. Everyone with all their grand plans and schemes, and we will all be gone in 130 years. 

A Tale of Loss

From the top of Blarney Castle

 I was looking through my Facebook photos on a whim to have some turned into canvas prints to hang. I stumbled upon my trip to Ireland. And there, on grey-skied days was smiling, mystical feeling me (is there anything like clouds and a silent walk through a crumbling abbey to leave one feeling mystical?) And there in grey and color was Karl. Karl who laughed and spoke in his loud American voice, whilst I cringed. Karl who talked with the locals, whilst I sat quietly. Karl who walked closer to the pub musicians and nodded and yelled  while I drank my cider sitting quietly in my chair. Karl who always made me cringe, but whom everyone seemed to like more. He swore he was an introvert-but I don't think so. Just insecure.

The thing is, things are as they must be. Things are better. The kids don't even seem to miss him. But despite things being better this way. I miss having my friend. I miss the good days and weeks, when I felt I could tell him things. I miss my companion and my helper. I miss the person who helped put the kids in bed and was willing to watch chick flicks with me. 

And it isn't loneliness. I am not really lonely most of the time. At least it isn't something I feel too keenly. But it is just the memory of the good times. It was having someone on my side every once in a while. It was saying, "Hey, the refrigerator is broke," and then sitting back, because I knew it would be taken care of.

And there is this underlying guilt. Did I do everything I could? Did I give up on him? Was there a point, years ago, when I could have watched him take his meds and made sure he was safe. Was there ever a spiteful moment, when I gave safeguarding his health just to not have to stress about it. Where does my responsibility fall? And he is gone. In Springfield, Missouri, California, Illinois, I have no idea. He is just gone. And I see these photos-the good times, and I think of how I thought we would be together for ever-maybe not for love-but for companionship. And it was a comforting thought, warm and cozy and belonging. Until it wasn't. Until it was  fence I couldn't see over or around. Until it was a sentence of responsibility and duty. And I can't help but wonder-who broke first? Was not taking his medicine his way of starting down the path to freedom? Or was my giving up on nagging him my step down the path?

I don't know. 

But now I have to procure my own refrigerator.

It's a New Year!

   

Photo by Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash

  Even though part of me tries to shrug off all the hoopla that comes with the changing of the year, it is impossible not to get a little bit excited about the idea of a fresh start. I think a clean slate which is ready to be written on again, is just something that appeals to us hopeful humans. 

    I have been thinking about the areas of my life that I struggle with, and the areas I want improve upon. These are non-related to work. Of course, I have things I want to improve upon at work, but this isn't the place for that discussion.

    After a lot of thought and soul-searching I can sum up my areas of focus as the following:

• Eating healthy
• Sticking to a budget
• Interpersonal relations
• Keeping up my home

    These are the areas I want to focus my attention on this year. As far as eating healthy goes, I am trying to move towards a more Mediterranean diet. I may or may not lose weight, but there is simply no excuse for the large intake of sugar in my diet.. Well, it's good. I guess that is the excuse. It will be  hard to break away from that easy high of  flavorful food, but I am going to have to find other ways to release some good hormones.

    I am starting off the year by keeping track of my spending in a separate planner. I think I am bleeding a lot of cash to areas which don't really represent my values. This area will be hard, since it is so easy to spend money online and those little trips to Walgreens and Walmart for necessities add up quickly. 

    

    Interpersonal relations! It's a struggle for me. I want to work on this area. This includes improving my interactions with others through better social skills and taking small chances that put me outside of my comfort zone. I have a lot of anxiety in this area. When I felt like someone didn't like and/or was trying to get me emotionally riled up in the recent past, I used my newly found skills to not be paranoid,  told myself it was silly, and got subsequently got burned. I have to learn to balance both my intuition and my trust in others. It won't be easy!

    And keeping up my home is an oldie for. me. Mostly I am referring to keeping it tidy and clean and keeping up with basic repairs. I tend to stress out tremendously over my homemaking skills and the feeling that I am not good enough. So I plan to give myself some grace, meeting myself where I am, and simply improve upon my routines. I am not in competition with YouTube Moms or the stay-at-home mom down the street, or even the working family next door, whose youngest child is 13. I am only trying to better own situation.

    These are my areas of focus for the year. Expect to see detailed blogs regarding how exactly this is affecting my life itself.

    

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