Summer Pain in the Membrane

 I am sad. I am sad. I am sad. What am I, everybody? Right. Sad.

God. I am struggling. My pool is green. The late July storm, the uneven yard, the boys have been so rough on the pool. It has a slow leak, just like the GD front drivers side tire on my car (and I bought all new tires in March!).

How, how, how am I going to do this job? How am I going to show up and face all these people I don't trust and who don't have faith in me every day and maintain a good attitude? How am I going to be an assistant to the new hire who got my job? The principal flat out told me she wanted a deep male voice managing the 8th grade math class and then hired a woman. So it was always me. I was the failure. How am I going to be nice when I am humiliated, devastated, and so publicly a complete failure? I mean, obviously, I have to be nice, I have to work, but for the first time I had a job that wasn't mindnumbingly dull and I failed at it. I just feel so sad. My j button isn't working and I have to pound it 2 or 3 times to get it to work. So I am throwing myself into planning how to decorate my tiny classroom, because what else do I have, and I can't focus on one thing. I decided on the cozy collection from Schoolgirl Style, but I bought the print at home version and the browns keep using up all the yellow ink. I keep ending up with pink rather than neutral copies. I have already gone through 2 color ink cartridges. Then I ended up buying woodland type stuff on temu for the class. WTH? It won't even match. I just keep shopping away my pain and I am so broke, my credit score is low, low, low, and I still have to pay to have the 1/4 of a big old tree that fell on the fence and into the neighbor's yard cut. I HAVE NO MONEY. 

And on top of it all, I forgot. I can't remember what I was going to say. The on top of it all suggests something big, haha. 

Oh man. I want to go camping and travel. But I am afraid of both the man AND the bear. I don't wanna be eaten by a grizzly in the Rockies, nor do I want some sadistic guy messing up my camping trip. I ache to be married again, but experience suggests it's not a good idea. Plus I really have zero sex drive at this point. Menopause is good for something I guess. I don't know why people complain so much. It's kind of freeing. I am not officially in it yet, but far enough along. I guess if I had someone I liked enough the sex drive might come back. Who knows? Who even cares? Dorothy Boyd was so right in Jerry Maguire. A bath, a good book. Well, she was complaining, I think, but I am not. But still, I want to camp. There should be an escort service where you can just hire a well-vetted man to travel and camp with your family and do the heavy lifting. Build the fire and sit around it. We don't have to talk=most things people say are so obvious anyway. That'd be nice. Eh well, I probably can't afford the gas and my car has 191k miles already.

The hard part for me is hiding my feelings. People will ask are you excited? I don't like to lie. It's inappropriate to tell the truth. And honestly. It will be fine. It will all be fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. At least the Sped staff are good people. Almost every sped teacher I have met has been down to earth and pretty decent as far as humanity goes. Can't say that for everyone. 

Update-whoop-de-doo

 I realize after my last post, I have said nothing. 

Here's what happened. My principal said, No, I can't do FACS at this point. I am beyond sad. I feel like I blew my one chance. I was told by the principal at the Elementary that I had the ISC job pending references, but then he called me back and said he had an ISC teacher, but I could do cross-cat. This was after I had already wrapped my head around ISC, was learning and making plans, and looking at new purchases for things my classroom would need. I  also hadn't interviewed for Cross-cat, so I had no idea about the caseload or any details. I turned it down. I was still hopeful I would get another job, but noone even interviewed me. I am so disappointed. I feel like such a failure.

So now, I have no choice but to man up do this year of coteaching cross cat math, even though it doesn't appeal to me, because ultimately, I did make this choice (during a bad week). And the reg ed math job DID open up here, because a teacher is leaving, and noone asked if I was interested, and I feel like my whole career is a wash and I am disgusted with myself, even though it all pretty much pays the same. I mean I knew they wouldn't ask, but still. I guess I was really really really bad at it. I mean, I took math through Calc 3 for what? What a waste.  I am on the verge of a deep depression, but I know I just need to suck it up, and stop thinking and feeling and go on autopilot. Sometimes that is the only way to survive. It's fine. It will all be fine. 

The loser, 

Jill

:o). Do NOT give me hug emojis. I can handle this, and if I can't, well, that's all good, too.

It's really all okay. Don't let my strong words stress you out-the truth is what it is and I can handle sucking. ;o). It does all pay the same. I am just going to have to change my own attitude-because...that's all I have right now:o). Hahaha. FWP for SURE.

Decision Paralysis

 I have struggled with difficulty making decisions since teenagerhood. It probably started in high school with my teacher vs. nurse vs. accountant dilemma. Sure, I wanted to do romantic things like be a writer or astronaut or doctor, but I do have an ounce or two of realism about me and bills need to be paid. I really just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It pains me to say that-because I know a lot of it is hype, even my grandma had to work-life wasn't always a Norman Rockwell painting for everyone, but being heavily influenced by Little House on the Prairie and other such romantic fantasies (because let's be honest, it's a cleaned-up, fictionalized world written for children-not nonfiction), I just longed for the simple life. 

Anyway, I think where I went wrong was a) romanticizing the world and b) not living enough and settling down too soon. I don't regret it-I wouldn't have had the experiences I did and my kids, but I see where it has led to a lifetime of finding me because so much of me was spread around to others so soon. And that's okay-in the past there weren't opportunities to find one's self. You got married, worked at home or somewhere, and did what you had to do to survive until death. We are lucky to live in the modern world where we can chase dreams.

Going back to college in my late 20s was hard. I wanted to learn about everything, a little (I guess I am a generalist), but I also had kids to figure out how to support. I changed majors 50 zillion times (officially, 7, but the HOURS I poured over the college catalog-man, I loved that thing with all the possibilities and opportunities). I would LOVE to work as a career counselor in college helping students, but alas, I am old and too tired to start over and I think you need a master's in counseling, and that's just gross. They'd probably make me talk about my real feelings and not this cleaned-up version. 

Anyhoo, my master's degree search was more of the same: Officially Elementary education, MBA, English Education Teaching, Master's of Geospatial Science, Master's of Public Admin., Master's in Library Science, before finally settling on special education, not out of desire, but because I needed a damn job already.

So when I started teaching math two years ago, I was delighted. I ALWAYS wanted to teach reg ed, and I finally had a job I felt really proud of. Granted it wasn't world history or geography or a foreign language (which I can't speak) or English or anything romantic, but I do enjoy doing math quite a bit, so that's fine. It's been okay. I loved that I never got bored. Maybe I was drowning, but you aren't bored when you are drowning! I do struggle with classroom management-though it got a little easier when the principal gave me a tip-I just needed to be louder and talk over them until they shut up-and it did usually work, amazingly. Waiting for them to be quiet and cueing them to be quiet was taking too much time. I also struggled with finding time to work with them one-on-one when they needed help, because  the class would start getting too loud when I stopped talking. There are a few issues here: I am very sensitive to noise and cannot hear well with background noise (I have a slight hearing loss in one ear and it does affect me), and I get confused when a lot of stimulation is flying at me. Tests scores were okay last year, so I figured something was going right. Now, this years test scores will likely go down a bit-they pulled more kids into a second algebra class, so there are fewer of the high flyers taking the 8th grade MAP test this year-this will affect the scores. I also had some really tough classes overall this year-two of my three eighth classes were rough. My 7th graders were super chatty, but respectful, overall. 

So, our FACS teacher didn't like FACS and wanted out. At the same time, my principal was my secret santa and had my paper saying how I loved collecting vintage homemaking books and magazines, and it seems obvious I would love FACS. She asked me if I would do it, and I very reluctantly said okay, and have been in a tailspin ever since. I feel like my budding identity was ripped away, and I can't find balance. Everything has spiraled away from me, and somehow I agreed to go back to sped at Hickory because there was an opening and the "pros" for sped were greater than the "pros" for FACS. But...I don't want to go back to a past job. I know expertise comes from time spent in a field, growing, but I want a little novelty. Plus, it's math sped and I prefer ELA sped. So I applied at Tierney's school because they need an Intensive support teacher badly, and it would be fun to work with family. I have that job contingent on references, but my I haven't gotten ONE of the other 7 jobs I interviewed for this year, Edit: I forgot I was offered the sped job at Pershing-whoops! 

and it makes me wonder, is it my interviewing, my age, or my references. 

I thought intensive support would give me that feeling of being in control of my day and be a little more like the home daycare I always wanted (with some academics, of course), but since I have never done it, I don't know if i would like it. Nine months is a long time to sign up for an unknown. 

But I feel like Hickory is ruined for me. If a math job opens, it will HURT me to see someone else do it.  I will have to move down to the 7th grade hall for the sped job, and I don't want to move. I don't want to go back to feeling invisible. I know plenty of people are known and respected as sped teachers-this is me and my issue-but I don't know how to overcome it. I know my nature is better suited to smaller group instruction-I get confused and overstimulated. 

So now I am in the position of feeling like I am letting EVERYONE down no matter what I do. I know, if life has taught me anything (like getting married at 19 when I didn't really want to because I didn't know how to nicely get out of it), it's that I need to think about myself and not everyone else's feelings. But that is hard to do. 

And I asked my principal yesterday if FACS was still a possibility and she hasn't answered, and I don't blame her, because clearly, I am a mess and a pain in the ass. 

I just want to be NOT bored and do good work and have good coworkers who are kind but also interesting and make everyone happy with my choice.

That's it. 

God help me. 

:o)

Ka-pow!

 That’s what my own head decided to do to me this week. And it’s rough. So my drama continues, but it isn’t nearly as big of a deal as I am making it. I think my fear of being trapped is rising up. And when you have a fear of being trapped (which for me means being bored and powerless to plan how my day unfolds) and you have a great need for security- well, there’s going to be tension. 

So my principal told me there was a sped math position opening at my school. Now FACS sounds more interesting than sped math, but I am not great at crowd control and I am beginning to doubt I will ever get better at it. My brain just locks up and I think why are doing this and it’s hard for me to implement strategies because I am too busy wondering why they are being buttheads. I’d kill to go back to school and learn all day. I decided sped math would be better as I would have more interaction with grownups during the day and smaller crowds to deal with. Don’t get me wrong- there are things about FACS I really want to do. I worked on a curriculum all last weekend for it. But I am over trying to get a whole classroom to care. It’s not fun. But I sort of want to explore that option. But I also feel like I made the best choice for my mental health and to utilize my skills. 

But then the being trapped part started to hit. It’s hard to get out of sped and I like to feel free. So I applied for a couple jobs casually, and one of them called my principal, who was not happy I had applied for another job. Which I understand. She wants things settled and ready to go. I would too. But that doesn’t help my trapped feeling at all. So with the surge of hormones (remember I am a pmdd sufferer-I SUFFER with hormones), and being told I was unprofessional (which I might be) I just have been feeling awful. Then a 7th grader expressed her delight that she would not be having me for FACS and it was just enough to seriously ruin my day. And y’all know I can be bitter. But the poison is seeping away and I have to hold firm to the knowledge that I made the best decision I could. It is impossible to have the best of both or all worlds. Something has to give. The best thing I can do is let the missed possibilities pass gracefully, which is a struggle for me, but perhaps that is the lesson to learn here. 

I really wish I wasn’t so self-centered. If I could focus more on the students and less on my feelings, all would be better. This lifelong identity crisis is getting old. Maybe there is a factor of will and self-determination involved in creating one’s identity and all the while I have just been heeding my feelings of the moment. 

The truth is- I love the math of regular ed. I love 8th grade math. But eighth graders are rough and I am tender hearted. And they see that and use that and dislike me for it. And that was my main fear about FACS. Which let’s be honest, I am a little sad about. But- a choice had to be made and I made the one that seemed best at the time. Now if my principal would stop hurting my feelings, all would be well.🤣 I think we just have very different personalities.  Most of all, I need to stop hurting my own feelings. I can believe whatever I want, so I should believe the best.

Too tired for a picture today. 

Happy Friday.

Worrying

Photo by Yulia Gadalina on Unsplash

 I am a worrier. I love nothing more than to ruminate over possibilities and torture myself over things that could go wrong. Am I doing the wrong job? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to be able to handle XYZ? Does this person dislike me and I just don't realize it? The problem wilthall this is: Whatever will come to pass, happens whether I worry about it or not. My worrying-my obsessing, just ruins today and make me unpleasant to be around. Especially since when I am worried, I can be a little bit hateful-maybe as a means to I don't know, protect myself somehow. 

I worry because I think if I hit on the right thought, the right word, the right support from others, I will be protected from the pain of what I am worrying about. But I think, it actually does the opposite. I think it creates a negative cloud around me that actually increases the likelihood of a negative outcome. Now, I will note that my worrying is pretty self-centered. This extends to my kids somewhat, as I worry about them being rejected quite a bit. And the fact that it is so self-centered must make it even more frustrating for others to have to listen to it. I am worried about this. ;o).

Seriously, though. The question is how to retrain my brain to prepare, but not overly worry. It is normal to be concerned about what may come. It is not normal to be in an obsessive cloud of trying to hit on the right thought in hopes that is will assuage the negative feelings. Maybe this is the thought. The idea of letting go of the concern. Until it comes to pass, it is really is out of my hands. I don't HAVE to let something ruin my day, my weekend. That is a choice I make when it happens. 

I had such a dream. I had just taken a job at Hillcrest for English (I was born to teach world history or earth science,but I was WORRIED I wouldn't be able to find a job-so I changed majors). Anyway, all the teachers were streaming in to start the first day back, I was disorganized and confused and was hit with this fear that I hadn't told anyone at Parkview I was leaving. They would realize it when I didn't show up and that was some comfort, but the problem with anything new is that you must leave something else behind in its place. 

And that is sad. 

Have a great Saturday. I have been hit by horrific allergies or a cold, I am not sure which, I have that elephant sitting on my face feeling. But it's freakin' weekend, and I am excited to have a chance to work, clean, and just be Jill. Need to buy some tomato plants.

But what does it mean?

Photo by Maksym Mazur on Unsplash

 I stepped outside myself today

outside looking in

The other me was quivering,

gelatin  for skin.

I took her hand and squeezed-she seemed smaller,

younger.

She talked too much about things

 noone cared to hear.

I watched her jokes fall flat.

She gazed at me timidly, 

embarrassed and ashamed.

But the real me smiled tenderly and squeezed her

hand more tightly. 

She asked why I don't leave her-take my logic

and rational thought and head into big world.

And I shook my head most gently.

Ah, the misunderstood so often misunderstand.

I cannot be without her. Her pain shaped my thoughts.

Her wavering emotions-ever-changing -

are life itself to me. Making her happy-

impossible deed! 

The quest will be my downfall.

And I gazed into her eyes and stepped back

into me.

The Quiet

 

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash

The world seems scary and dark right  now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.

    The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names). 

    The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment. 

    The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?

    And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us. 

    A sunny day.

    A bird song.

    A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)

    Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash. 

    We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?

    When will we stand and speak out?

    When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook. 

       If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere. 

    I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end. 

    I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating. 

    Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light. 

    Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.